The World's Beefiest Blog

Leave it Alone

2012-02-27T09:00:00.000-05:00

I started writing a blog about The Oscars, but I couldn’tbring myself to care about any of the winners all that much. I will say that ina lot of years I would be outraged that The Artist won over something that willultimately be seen as a far greater movie, since you know…The Artist is allflash, and no substance, but you know… I look at the other movies nominated,and while I really liked The Descendants and Moneyball, it’s pretty difficultto argue that they’re much better than The Artist, so… congratulationsFrenchies!

Of course, the Oscars did get me thinking about movies, andthe nature of them, and whatnot, and they’ve convinced me to finally write myblog about my current biggest pet peeve in the realm of movie making.

Does anyone remember the absolutely insane fervor of May 1999 when the firstStar Wars prequel was released? It was fucking CRAZY. Like… There werearticles, and news items, and interviews. Rumor of a new trailer would sell outa theatre for some afternoon show of some horrible March release movie. Iremember going to meet my friends for the Midnight show, and sitting in thetheatre for hours. People were dressed up. Getting crazy. My friends wereasking Star Wars trivia. It was thefirst enormous midnight release movie, paving the way for every tween who staysup for days for Twilight.

I remember the lights going down, and the incredible electricity in the air.The palpable anticipation of the start of the movie many of these people hadwaited 18 years to see. The opening titles started “A long time ago…” andpeople went insane. It was so loud I remember involuntarily laughing at thewhole business. It was like a rock concert.

Every light saber resulted in cheers. Every throwback reference resulted inknowing laughter. Every time we saw a character we’d come to love it wasgreeted with raucous applause. Every moment was met with baited breath.

When the final credits rolled, the place was like a madhouse. People werecheering and shouting and chanting “Show it again” and before I knew it, therewere light saber fights in the aisles and people leaving the theatre andgetting in line for the first showing in the morning, and all of the rest. Itwas a fucking sensation, and I was just as caught up in it as anyone else.

Nobody bothered to tell any of us how incredibly shitty itwas.

It wouldn’t have mattered. We were too invested. We were too far down therabbit hole of a sycophantic fugue state. We NEEDED it to be good. There was no way it would register otherwise.

That state must have lasted all Summer, because I am fairly certain I saw it 5more times in the theater, and I loved it each time.

I ignored the discussions about how boring the politics were (“They set up whatcomes next”, I’d say). I paid little attention to the complaints about theacting of Jake Lloyd (“He’s just a little kid!”). I defended Jar Jar Binksagainst the onslaught of racial criticism (“Um… He’s funny!”)

Then, through all of the haze, I didn’t watch it again for 13 years.

In the meantime, I watched Attack of the Clones and foundmyself bored through a lot of it. I watched “Revenge of the Sith” and foundmyself groaning over the dialogue and the huge holes in logic and continuity.

I started questioning those movies more and more. The haze and excitement andanticipation started to diminish, and the harsh light of reality startedbeating down. Part of this, I have to believe, has to do with The Lord of theRings. These were highly anticipated movies that absolutely killed it from beginningto end in terms of writing, acting, effects, and overall story telling.Arguably the fans of these books were as rabid as any George Lucas everencountered, even if the volume wasn’t as high. As every LOTR fan left eachfilm with a sense of pride and satisfaction, the true feelings of the Star Warsfans became more raw and haggard.

Then… to top it all off… I went to see the re-release of The Phantom Menace,hoping that the 3D would somehow bring it all together.

It didn’t.

That movie is fucking atrocious.

I’m sorry to say it. I believe I really did love it once upon a time, buteither my tastes have matured, or the halcyon days of anticipation had trulyclouded my thoughts (much like a Jedi).

The script is one of the worst I’ve ever heard. The acting, outside of LiamNeeson, is unbelievably bad. (Jake Lloyd, who at one time garnered defense is…completely indefensible. There had to have been better child actors out there.There had to have been. I can’t accept otherwise). The effects are great, that’strue, but there are too many. Back in the day, Lucas had to be creative to makevisually interesting scenes. This movie makes him lean on the effects toomuch. Let’s not even talk about howself-referential it all is… The totally Americanized sports announcing teammight be the dumbest throw-in I’ve ever seen in a movie.

And then there’s Jar Jar. The problem with Jar Jar is that his character DOESserve a purpose, but my god… So offensive. I know that Lucas attributed a lotof the Jar Jar dialogue to his little kid, and maybe that’s true, but if it is…that little kid needs to do some self examination, because they are racist asshit.

Anyway… All of that, and I haven’t even articulated my pet peeve.

Despite all of the anticipation and excitement, nobody was sitting aroundwaiting for another Star Wars movie. The story was done. Nobody really caredall that much about where Darth Vader came from, unless they were huge StarWars fans, and they already knew. There was no clamoring until silly GeorgeLucas announced he was working on the prequels. It was dead. It was resting.The most controversial thing to come up in the Star Wars universe was whetherLucas ruined the originals by doctoring them in the re-releases. Han shotfirst. So the fuck what?

So, without active demand, why in the world couldn’t he have made a bettermovie? The pressure was off. He could have had a damned contest for the bestscreen play and gotten 500 great scripts from all of those obsessive Star Warsfans who probably know the universe better than Lucas does at this point. He couldhave done literally anything he wanted to make the best possible version ofthat story, and instead we end up with damned “Mr. Tambo” Jar Jar Binks, andJake Lloyd shouting “Yippee” like a youth from the 1960s. (Long time agoindeed).

That’s my pet peeve.

With no pressure, and no clamor, why in the hell can’t they make betterunanticipated sequels?

I touched on it briefly during my movie recap for 2011… One of the reasonsPirates of the Caribbean was my worst movie of the year was due to thisphenomenon.

The Pirates trilogy was over. They’d wrapped the story. There was no need orspecific demand for more, and yet they pushed through another Jack Sparrowstory without so much as a single story editor. Without even the teensiest bitof passion. It’s so disappointing when all semblance of guise is dropped, andthe money grab we all know it to be is just bared to the world.

My other favorite example of this is the Indiana Jones Disaster of 2008.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade came out in 1989, and was pretty muchuniversally loved by anyone that cared about those kinds of movies. It’scertainly my favorite one from start to finish. It’s still 100% watchable. Andwhile there’d been rumors for years of another installment for years, theanswer they always gave was “We’re always interested, but we’re really waitingfor the perfect script.”

I wonder if they’re still waiting somewhere, because ALIENS? Are they fuckingserious? I’m still furious. One of the most interesting and timeless thingsabout the Indiana Jones movies is how neatly they intertwined religion,archeology, and mysticism. Throwing in fucking aliens stretches credulity.Giving Indy some dumbass, greaser son (played by one of the least likableactors in Hollywood) only weighed it down. Bringing back Karen Allen, lookingbizarre, was just a bad choice.

Look.. I get that Harrison Ford isn’t getting any younger, so it makes sensethat they had to account for that… except that they didn’t have to. They didn’t have tomake it at all. So… why make something totally shitty?

The Hobbit is coming out soon. The first trailer got something like 8 bazillionhits on YouTube. Another movie where there was interest, but not necessarilydemand. It’ll have been 9 years since Return of the King. Hopefully PeterJackson recognizes the opportunity to come in and stick the landing.

I’ve heard rumors for years about another Ghostbusters movie. I can tell youthat I’m not holding my breath, but if they do get it together, they better doit right. I have faith that they’ll wait til the right script comes along.

Anyway, this is my plea… If you don’t have to make a sequel(Twilight, Harry Potter, Hunger Games), then wait until you have good reason tomake one. Don’t be Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” or Indiana Jonesand the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull or Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. I’mbegging you.

If you cared about the first ones, care about the others.

And since I can’t help myself, here’s a small observation onthe Oscars.

The Artist won, making yet another Best Picture winner I was rooting against. I’vebeen really actively following the Oscars for about 20 years, starting withUnforgiven’s win in 1993. Here are some personal opinion stats.

Of the Best Picture winners, I’ve only agreed with 6. (Unforgiven, SchindlersList, Braveheart, American Beauty, Return of the King, and No Country for OldMen).

I’ve actively disliked 4 (Titanic, Shakespeare in Love, The Artist, and Crash).

I’ve been outraged for various reasons (shut up, I’m dramatic) by 5 (Titanic, Shakespeare in Love,Crash, Chicago, and A Beautiful Mind).

My favorite film of the year has not even been nominated a few times… (50/50,Children of Men, Road to Perdition, Pan’s Labyrinth).

Some other thoughts…

There were some good years… The year The Departed beat Little Miss Sunshine.The year Million Dollar Baby beat The Aviator, Finding Neverland, and Sideways(Wow). The year Forrest Gump beat Quiz Show, Pulp Fiction, and Shawshank… (Holy…)

At least one year featured a winner that could arguably have been the WORSTnominee:
Titanic beat out As Good as it Gets, The Full Monty, Good Will Hunting, andL.A. Confidential.

If I’m having a “BEST” Best Picture Winner of the Past 20 years, the Nomineesare:

Unforgiven, Schindler’s List, Forrest Gump, Braveheart, The English Patient,Titanic, Shakespeare in Love, American Beauty, Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind,Chicago, The Return of the King, Million Dollar Baby, Crash, The Departed, NoCountry for Old Men, Slumdog Millionaire, The Hurt Locker, The Kings Speech,and The Artist…

You know what… That’s for another blog. Stay tuned for the Best PictureTournament.

It's Lin-Mazing! No..wait...

2012-02-21T09:00:00.000-05:00

I think we can all agree. This is the best kind of word play.

What? Nobody likes a good pun anymore?

If you’re a sports fan, you’ve definitely heard of Jeremy Lin. The firstAsian-American player in the NBA… or at least the first one anyone ever heardof… and nobody’d even heard of him a month ago.

That’s when Lin burst onto the scene, playing exceptionally well for anexceptionally disappointing New York Knicks team, and making the city of NewYork excited about something for once. (You know… aside from the perpetualcontention of the Yankees, and the new Super Bowl champion Giants).

Good lord do people fucking love this Jeremy Lin character. And for whateverreason, they love him in the most twee way possible. It’s like a non-stopcontest to see who can come up with the best play on words using his last name.

“All I do is Lin Lin Lin”

“Linderella Story”

“It’s Lin-Credible”

“Lin-spiring Story”

And of course, the most pervasive nonsense since Tebow-maniaswept the country two whole months ago:

“Lin-Sanity”

Now, look… I love a pun as much as the next guy, but it’sgetting a little out of hand with Jeremy Lin. People are looking to wedge asclever a pun as possible into every story, and sign, and t-shirt, and headline.

Whenever something like this happens in the media (the story, not the puns),the natural progression dictates that sooner or later someone will go too far.

After the Knicks suffered their first loss of the Jeremy Linera, a loss where Lin had a subpar game (his first), the ESPN Headline read:

“Chink in the Armor”

That’s right. ESPN actually made a Chinese racial slur in an article about aChinese athlete.

It’s kind of amazing that it got through at all, but the guy who wrote theheadline (since fired) said he didn’t even think about it. That it was meant tobe an innocent headline. And in fact, that’s at least vaguely plausible. My buddy Alan mentioned having seen theheadline, it not registering one way or the other, and moving on to a moreinteresting story.

Alan didn’t immediately look at it and gasp and say “Oh no he di’nt”, becausein this case, the word “chink” has multiple meanings, and there’s literallyonly one context it would have been considered offensive. If you’re not gearedto look for the epithet there, it’s very possible it just doesn’t register.

Of course, nobody believes that it was accidental. The writer rolled the dicethat it would sneak by, because it was clever, and word play is apparently sofucking popular now. And make no mistake. It was clever. And as Aziz Ansaripointed out on Twitter, there is something kind of hardcore about the guy findingliterally the WORST slur and making it a headline on ESPN. I actually sort of wonder if the constant punmaking has made some people feel like they have a little additional license tobe loose with the language.

I was once accused by a guy I worked with of playing “Mental Chess”, because hethought I would say things that could be taken innocently or not, depending onthe audience, and that I relished living in that zone. I can’t say he wasaltogether wrong. It sure seems to be where the ESPN writer is trying toreside. The only problem is that he’s a professional writer. He should havebeen fired even if it wasn’t intentional, because his job is to be a master ofthe language.

The situation leads me to a lot of questions…

Like… what if, instead of having a bad game, Lin had a great game. What if theheadline was “Lin Finds Chink in Hornets Armor”? Would the guy have been firedthen?

If Jeremy Lin was a black player, you could never call his fansthe “Lin Mob” or tout a huge performance by saying “Jeremy Lin-ches the Heat”. Nomatter how positive the intent, the meaning of the words is too negative, but…If he were a black guy playing in a sport dominated by black athletes, the linegets a little further away

What if Michael Jordan had a great defensive performance against Phoenix… Could you write “JordanBlacks Out the Suns”? Arguably yes,because Jordan being black isn’t the first thing anyone mentions. Race isbarely part of the discussion.

When Justin Tuck, a black defensive end for the New York Giants hounded TomBrady for the entirety of the Super Bowl, could you write “Justin Tuck Spooks Brady”? It’sa little more obscure, sure, but as a slur it’s just as bad as “chink”… but Iimagine that gets printed, without a problem, and without incident. Again… Justin Tuck being black isn’t part ofthe discussion. The last time I looked, the NFL was comprised of about 70%black players.

It’s when someone does something unexpected that race comes into play, and theice gets thinner.

Asians aren’t exactly known for being great NBA players, sohis race becomes part of the conversation.

Serena Williams should historically be known as a greattennis champion, but more likely she’s historically going to be known as thegreatest black tennis champion. When she handily beat Lindsey Davenport 500times, the headline every time could be “Serena Gives Lindsey a Whipping”, butI wonder if the opposite would have been acceptable. Can a white tennis player(the majority) be said to have whipped a black one?

Of course, these divisions still exist in small part because the parties allwant them to. Sandy Koufax is often known as the greatest Jewish baseballplayer, and even though he hasn’t thrown a pitch in almost 50 years, everybaseball loving Jew in America knows Sandy Koufax. They’re proud of him asbeing a shining representative of their people. Even still.. If, after hisperfect game against the Cubs, the following headline appeared, I imagine therewould have been big problems:

“Sandy Koufax Jews Down Cubs”

Can you imagine the uproar? It could be argued even that it’sa compliment. Like… Sandy Koufax implemented the talents of his race to mowdown the cubs.

I wonder if it’s one of those things where if you’re on the inside, it’s okayto say…

Personally, though.. I don’t think it’s offensive because being called a Jew issupposedly offensive. I don’t think it’s offensive because Jeremy Lin’s peoplehave traditionally been called Chinks derogatorily.

I think it’s offensive, because doesn’t it marginalize what Jeremy Lin is doing?Floyd Mayweather decided to chime in on the discussion and said something like “IfJeremy Lin was black, people wouldn’t be going so nuts about it”. Sadly… he’sprobably right. At least partly.

(I especially hate it when Floyd Mayweather is right, because he’s just aboutthe worst, and there’s even some other ickier parts to this particularsituation since he spends most of his time on twitter trying to bait an Asianguy into fighting him…. But I digress.)

He’s right, because it wouldn’t be the sensational story it is. There likelywouldn’t be puns and the fervor.

What he’s wrong about is that the insanity doesn’t makeJeremy Lin a better basketball player. What he’s doing between the lines hasnothing to do with his race. He’s just dominating compared to any standard. Hisperformance would be remarkable if he was black, or white or whatever else.

So anyway ESPN took it to that place, and thus fucked themselves over, becausethey missed the mark. The better story isn’t that he’s Asian, so calling himJeremy “The Asian Sensation” Lin is also sort of missing the mark . The storyis that Jeremy Lin is playing like a fucking badass and nobody knew about theguy a month ago. That’s a story.

The goal, I believe, is to minimize race as a descriptor inany way. If people were all enlightened beings, words would just go back tobeing words. Chink would just be a dent or blemish. Fag would just be anEnglish word for cigarette.

Of course.. There’s one other part to the story, and here’s where I’m certainto get myself into trouble.

Isn’t the point of all these puns to make people laugh? It’sFUN to be clever and witty and whatnot, and I think that occasionally you crosssome lines for the sake of a joke.

Daniel Tosh says more offensive things literally every day. So does DavidCross. Richard Pryor did too. So in a lot of ways the platform makes all thedifference. If I call myself a comedian I can get away with a lot more than I canif I call myself a columnist. Just look at Jon Stewart, right?

Anyway, since I am equal opportunity, and I have this sort of desire to offendpeople, I’ve come up with some other potentially offensive headlines (I had agood time coming up with my examples I used earlier, so I may as well make itway worse, right?)

Alan and I have enjoyed making up vaguely ethnic alliterativenicknames for baseball players of Jewish or Canadian descent. We like these,because really those are the last 2 frontiers in terms of baseball ethnicity,and literally every time a player from one of those groups excels, his heritageis mentioned.

Here are some of my favorites…

For Jewish Baseball Players:
- The Joltin’ Jew
- The Hebrew Hammer
- The Levite Leviathan

For Jewish baseball players accused of steroid use:
- The Juicin’ Jew
- The Pharmaceutical Pharisee (Alan’s creation…and my favorite)

For Canadian baseball players:
- The Clubbin’ Canuck
- The Mashing Maple Leaf
- The Splinterin Saskatchewanian

BUH-DUM CHH!

A Disney (Ad)Venture

2012-02-20T09:30:00.000-05:00

Hey Everyone!

The regularly scheduled blog post about some such nonsense, and my lack ofability to screen my own language will be coming later this week, but I wantedto take today’s blog to announce something extremely exciting!

In 2 weeks I will be launching my new blog adventure! A newblog dedicated expressly for Disney and the Disney lovers out there.

This is planned to be a sister blog to this site, so anyDisney related blog will be linked on this page, and will appear in full on thenew Disney blog.

I’m not ready to announce the name of the new endeavor yet,though I have created the blog URL for it, and we’re on track to start in acouple of weeks.

Why am I doing this?

Well… as any attention whore worth their salt, I lovegetting comments, especially those left by complete strangers who just happenedby. In order to have more comments, I need more consistent readers. Fromeverything I’ve read about gaining traffic on your blog, you need tospecialize.

Don’t get me wrong… I love this blog. It is a ton of fun towrite about all manner of things here, and not worrying about appealing toeveryone. It’s very liberating. I have every intention of this remaining myprimary blog where all of my thoughts on random things like parking and Jesushaving Christmas stolen from him by those rude Jews, and whatever sportsrelated thing nobody seems to care about.

Still… I crave feedback, and I crave attention (yeah… I admit it). The purposeof the Disney only blog is to create a space that features focused content,likely more PG language, and hopefully get more readers who have a passion forDisney and Disney parks.

It certainly remains to be seen how this will work. Whenever I’ve createdoffshoot blogs in the past, they were short-lived. Of course, that was mainlydue to a lack of content, and I believe I’ve proven that there’s barely a limitto my willingness to discuss Disney ad-nauseum.

I hope to have regular segments;
Movie reviews… New ones when they come out, and old ones in between.

E-mail Debates

Polls

Park Plans

Ride Reviews

And, as they say, much much more.

Also exciting is that my friend, the incredibly talentedTony Doench will be designing a new version of the Beefy Muchacho, with Disneyin mind. It’s going to be epic. He’s the artist behind the original iconicMuchacho image displayed on the header of this blog.

So there ya have it. I’m very excited for this new blogging endeavor. I hope tosee everyone visit and enjoy the Disney-Exclusive content.

Blog Failure

2012-02-13T09:15:00.000-05:00

Here’s the blog where I finally break the internet by holding the mirror up tothe mirror.

I’m always thinking about blog topics, especially now that I have the pressureof having to get at least one posted per week. About 2 weeks ago, I startednoting how annoyed I was getting at commercials, and how they always seem toplay into the same base desires of people. I found it insulting that theyseemed to be saying that all women could be plied with chocolate and diamonds.That all men just wanted to avoid their women. That women’s problems weretrivial enough that a good shopping trip could solve them. That men wereessentially alcoholic morons.

I started thinking that I wanted to turn that observation into a blog entry. I’ve beenworking on it all week, and it never came together. It eventually became something weird about howpeople take the easy jokes instead of pushing themselves to be more creative.

There were points where I was writing whole television commercials and Jay Lenomonologues and I went into this wholelong rant about this dude I used to work with who sang “Danny Boy” at me everyday (because my name is Dan.)

The problem with this idea, is that it was just an idea. I didn’t have a real coherentconcept behind it, so while I could come up with a couple of cute quips, I wasbasically doing what I was criticizing. There wasn’t any real insight to what Iwas writing, so I was just super rambling and unfocused. It never really came together

Of course, what is a blog if not hyper self aware, so I've decided to post the shitty, unfinished blog and let you all see a little bit of my process.

Here’s my blog about way too many things, while at thesame time not being about enough. I can’t figure out how to say what I want inan entertaining way. I worked it over 4 or 5 times, and it still sucks, buthopefully that’s kind of interesting in itself.

In italics are the original blog. In regular type are my retrospective commentson said failed blog attempt.

#####

What compels us totake the easy road? I mean… aside from it being easy.

Here’s everycommercial targeted at women on TV right now:

“Whoa ladies, chill the fuck out! Since you don’t have real problems, have thisdelicious chocolate! That should calm your simple little brain. “

“What’s that? Thechocolate didn’t do the trick? How about everyone’s guilty pleasure… Shopping!Oh, don’t you worry about that job interview. Nothing can cure a shitty daylike buying some shoes! Am I right?”

“Now that you’rebellies are full of chocolate, and your feet are swathed in soft, suppleleather, it’s time for some kayaking… you know… since it’s your time of themonth. So, put on some white pants and have a fucking ball!”

It’s right about here where I startto lose my train of thought. I mix up tampons and Valtrex. I got too amusedwith my fake lady commercials and I miss my own point.

It’s not just theladies… Here’s every commercial targeted at men:

Hi Men… Women are the worst! Have a beer in your man cave while you plan yourgolf outing.

I toyed with “Hi Men,Women are the Worst!” and just leaving it at that. I think that would have beenbetter.

You know who should beinsulted most? Creativity.

The same products going back to the same tired wells over, and over, and overagain.

Of course, it’s as much our fault as theirs… We all let them get away with it,by going to Facebook and posting about how we “Need… Chocolate….Now.” or “Justhad a fight with [our] boss, so [we} bought some new shoes and [we’re] feelingbetter already.”

Weak examples. I’mnot sure why I decided on these. I think I tried being vague so as not to pointfingers at specific people.

I’d wanna say that we’re better than that, but maybe I’m not so sure. If wetruly were better than that, we wouldn’t be bombarded with the lowest common denominatoradvertising. Why are we not demandingmore?

I get frustrated, though, because even though the creative option is rightthere for the taking, everyone reaches for the “low hanging fruit”. It’s justall so fucking lame and tired and easy.

I keep wanting tomake a “Low hanging fruit” joke, but I never get around to it.

It’s not just advertising, though. There’s absolutely nothing I hate more thanthe guy who constantly makes the easiest joke. I dunno.. I’m a snob I guess. Whatfun is it to make the first joke that comes to your mind? It doesn’t takeskill, or smarts, or timing to hear someone say something is “hard” and throwout a “that’s what she said”… It requires no more thought than saying thepledge of allegiance. We hear the key word, and our mouth starts moving beforeeven considering the how fucking lazy it is... I admit it… I do it do, but Itry not to. I try to let someone else take the easy joke.

Don’t worry… Someonewill make the joke. You won’t be left hanging. You know these people. Theylaugh at their own jokes. They hear that my name is Dan, and they sing “DannyBoy” as a greeting. They speak in made-up accents, and use tired puns, andgenerally try working the room like it’s fucking 1964 in the Catskills. You getthe idea that they walk around hearing the rimshots as they spew quotes fromAnchorman.

I like this portionof the blog. It’s not at all what I planned to write, but I find it at leastvaguely promising, conceptually. The douchebag who personifies the copier guyon SNL. Always saying the dumbest, easiest thing possible.

They watch Jay fuckingLeno.

Once upon a time, Ithought Jay Leno was funny… but then I turned 12, and realized that if I read thenewspaper, I could literally play Celebrity/Joke Book mad libs, and figure outhis monologue every night.

What’s that? Lindsay Lohan does drugs? The joke becomes:

“So…did you hear this new thing aboutLindsay Lohan? Apparently her drug problem has gotten so bad, she was recentlyseen snorting Splenda. Yeah… Well.. She heard it was Diet Coke!”

This was originally a WhitneyHouston joke, but after she died, I felt the need to change it. I guessmentioning that now sort of undercuts the gesture. Sorry..

It’s cute, but it’snot funny. It’s not clever. It’s an easy joke, but it’s not comedy.

So anyway… It’s no surprise that companies advertise to our stereotypes. We letthem.

Longest digressionever? Perhaps.

Doritos thinks they’re being original by having a murdering dog bribe a manwith chips, but really they’re just doing the whole “Men are dumb and arealways swayed by their libido and their appetites” bit. Also falling into thiscategory are the “Nationwide” commercials where the dumbasses conjure food andprostitutes by singing the jingle. GoDaddy thinks they’ll sell domain namessimply based on the promise of Danica Patrick under-cleavage. Taco Bell constantlydepicts morons who are so blinded by the desires of their stomachs that they can’tmake it out of the car before eating their girlfriend’s Chalupa.

Another example ofsome sort of riff where I don’t really know what I’m saying, so I hope thevolume and turn of phrase sort of masks that point. I do like the phrase “under-cleavage”afair amount.

#####
And that’s where I stopped. I couldn’t figure out how to get back to the mainidea. I wasn’t even still sure the main idea had enough meat to make a fullblog out of it. Seems more like a short bit in a hacky stand-up special, which…kind of undercuts my point about taking the easy way, doesn’t it?

Like… Even my observations on taking the easy way were easy.

It’s my preference topost blogs that are fully formed, and edited and gone over a few times, butsometimes it’s not in the cards. This week, I tried making a blog out of somehalf-baked ideas and unfocused thoughts, and I failed. It’s kind of a bummer, but it is a part of theprocess.

Next week?

The Disney E-mails return for “Proposed Attractions” where Ipost a couple of original concepts for Disney attractions, and I poll thereaders on the best one.

I'm Still Resolute

2012-02-06T09:00:00.000-05:00

Well… It’s been just over a month since I stated my NewYear’s Resolutions, and I figured I may as well keep myself honest and provideeverybody with a full-on update on each of my stated goals.

May as well just get started, huh?

Furniture Making–
First off… I think I should amend my wording. I’m not expressly looking atmaking big furniture pieces, so perhaps I would have been more exact by callingit “woodworking”. I think a nice wood box is a perfectly acceptable project,but I wouldn’t necessarily call it “furniture”. Same for an end-grain choppingblock. I’m sure there are other examples, but I bring up these, because I’vegot both on my radar. Maybe I’m being self-serving here, but since thewoodworking is certainly a learning process, starting with a book case or aroll-top desk isn’t realistic or a good way to learn.

So… how’s my progress? Well… Slow. It’s really fucking hard. I’ve been workingon my dovetail joints, and getting in a lot of practice with my chisels andmallets and pieces of wood. I’ve spent a good amount of money purchasing toolsand supplies and all that. I’ve gone to a friend’s woodworking shop to get insome practice with a more experienced person… still… slow going. I feelconfident that I will still have my 11 projects complete by the end of theyear, but I’m not sure if I can realistically go month to month. Some monthsare tougher than others, and each project has a different amount of time neededto complete it.

I HAVE identified my first two projects…

1) An end-grain chopping block/cutting board. This is a fairly cool projectthat isn’t overly complicated. It primarily is a practice in directionfollowing, and clamping. Not a ton of cutting, not any real joinery. A goodfirst project.

2) A box for my chisels. The box itself isn’t all that complicated, thoughwould involve some dovetail joints (visible ones, not the utterly perplexinghidden ones). It also would have little interior inserts were you set thechisels.

Among the other projects for the year - ZigZag Chair, Tool Chest, and a set of narrow drawers.

Grade after One Month - B minus. I’ve been working hard on the joints, but I have beenindecisive about my projects and the definition of furniture. Now that I feelmore clear on that, I think I can bring that grade up.

One Home Improvement Project a Week -

To be honest, I personally have done very little myself, but I am going to givemyself a temporary pass since our entire house has been consumed with big homeimprovement work for the past 3 weeks. We’ve re-done our kitchen, we’ve knockedout dining room windows to install French doors. We had our deck torn down.We’ve added a privacy fence. When I say “we”, I really mean contractors, butthat doesn’t make the projects any less disruptive. I’m seriously so tired ofthe mess… I’m just glad they’re doing a good job.

So…
Grade after One Month – Incomplete.
I’m not making excuses, but projects have been completed, just not by me. Westill have another week on the interior, and probably another week on theexterior.

Vegetarian for a Year

This one, I’m pleased to say, is going well. I’ve been meatfree for a little over a month, and I’m not feeling bad about it so far.

Some random observations:
- Usually I prefer eating out over eating at home. This has actually reversedsince the beginning of the year. I think it’s because the Tofu Muchacha and Iare fairly accustomed to eating almost entirely vegetarian at home anyway(aside from a meaty chili or the very occasional corned beef). I didn’t realizeit, but the times I was most likely to eat meat was when we went out.

-Soup is my friend. I fucking love soup. I look forward tosoup. Soup never lets me down.

- I’m feeling pretty good about my fish once a week thing.It’s made any sort of meat craving pretty insignificant.

- It’s hard to even pinpoint what meats I miss… I guessbacon. Not that I ate a ton of bacon, but it’s difficult to get a good potatosoup at a restaurant that doesn’t include bacon.

- I have always been fairly eye-rolly about the people whobitch about there not being enough vegetarian options at restaurants. It alwaysseemed silly to complain about how other people fail to accommodate yourpersonal preferences. Well… I kinda get it now. The TM and I went to thisGerman restaurant (in preparation for seeing CCM’s “Spring Awakening”, andwhile I expected it to be just as mean-laden as it was, I found myself annoyedat the seeming afterthought given to the vegetarian choices.
- Of course… I just determined what I could get and got something. Unlike thisgirl at the table next to us, who… I guess just ordered whatever her fingerlanded on in the menu, because when the waitress brought the food to theirtable.

The annoying hipster girl was all “is there meat in this?”

The waitress : “In goetta? Yes. It’s ground sausage.”

The annoying hipster girl: “Oh… I didn’t know what goetta was. I thought it wascheese.”

The waitress: “Ookay.”

The annoying hipster girl’s annoying hipster boyfriend (Accusatorily) : Um… Shecan’t eat that. She’s a vegetarian.”

The waitress (thinking to herself) – How hard would it have been to ask about the German thing you don’t know, since it’s probably not all that safe toassume it’s cheese.

The waitress (out loud): "Do you want me to bring you something else?"

The annoying hipster girl’s annoying hipster boyfriend: “Eh.”

They then left the place withoutfinishing their meal. I not sure if they paid.

Anyway… I know what Goetta is, and despite how delicious it may be, I know notto order it at a restaurant for at least the next year. I also know that if I'm not familiar with something, maybe I should ask what it is before ordering it.

Grade after OneMonth: A minus.

I’ve been successfulso far. No lapses, not much temptation. I’m not like… LOVING it, but I do thinkthat it’s promoting some healthier choices… and some less. (Cheese sticks?Fail.)

Get in Shape forthe November 10K.
This one has been the least successful so far. I’ve really not taken any realsubstantive steps toward this one, and as opposed to the home improvement one…there’s no real reason I can’t have started, and there’s not really a way forsomeone else doing exercise can substitute for me doing it. If there was… I’dbe rocking it, because the TM runs like someone is fucking chasing her everyweek. It’s maddening how dedicated and disciplined she is. I admire it, forsure.

All is not lost, though…

The plan all along was to start this one a little later,just to allow myself a tiny opportunity to ease into the plan. We talked aboutme getting a personal trainer starting around my birthday (Less than 2 weeks!).Unfortunately that well hasn’t been as fertile as we’d hoped, but I am using mytax refund to buy a good rowing machine. The reason I’m drawn toward thatversus an elliptical or something of that nature is that my knees suck ass, sobeing able to do some real cardio on the rower, without putting strain on myjoints is a good thing.

Oh… and I have a heavy bag that I like to punch, and I’vebeen working on my form, I downloaded a boxing timer app for my iPad, and Ilike doing the rounds. It seems so finite, and not that indimidating. Ofcourse, I’m only doing 3 or 4 at the moment, and the last 2 minutes feels likesomeone’s been making me carry jugs of water.

Grade after One Month – C minus.

Not a complete failure, but not really that good either.

Blog Once a Week
I can honestly say… I’ve been rocking this one. So far, through February 6^th,I’ve posted SEVEN blogs for the year. The last 4 months of 2011 featured 6posts total. “

I’m interested in hearing what everyone things of the blogs. In general, Ithink they’re fine, but nothing really as stellar as the best of the best blogsin the past. I’m going to word away from blogging about sports, I think, or atleast the nitty gritty type stuff. It seems that most everyone ignores that.

I’m also considering branching off and creating an “All Disney” Muchacho blog.There were a lot of interesting conversation topics that came up while I workedon that dual email with Annie, and there really is nothing more fun to blatherabout at length than Disney. If I were to do that, I would simulcast the blogsin both locations. Part of my knows that if I focus my efforts on a singletopic, my readership will go up… Another part of me knows that my bad mouthisn’t really “Disney-esque”, so I kinda feel like I should make the Disneyblogs an no-cuss zone. Kinda hard to enforce that when if my smiling Disney-Fanreader scrolls down too far on this page, they’re bombarded by motherfuckers.(See? I just did it).

Anyway… I’m pretty pleased about this resolution so far. I think that,depending on my schedule, I could even potentially do more. I’ve got my nexttwo tick-tockin’ away.

Grade after One Month – A Minus

I like it. The people like it. Blogging regularly is good.That is all.

Stay tuned next week for “Chocolate, Wine, and Shopping”: Womanhood’sTrio of Kryptonite . Accompanied by “Beer, Boobs, and Big Televisions”: Manhood’sFearsome Threesome.

Reginald Denny Would be So Bummed

2012-01-30T11:05:00.000-05:00

You know what? I'm fucking tired of people. That's right. I said it.

People suck these days. There's no getting around it. Nobody has any regard for anyone any more. It's such a fucking bummer.

So today, I'm gonna talk about some of the things people do that I don't get. Some of it is just common courtesy. Like.. traffic stuff. Seriously... I'm seriously gonna bitch about traffic and other peoples' driving.

Some of it is more of a new kind of etiquette for a modern society. Fucking Facebook dickheads. You know? Like, this isn't a problem people had to handle 20 years ago, but even though there's no real established kind of decorum that Ms. Manners wrote a book about, I feel like there's just some common sense stuff that people generally seem to ignore on the interwebs, because I guess there's no danger of being punched in the fucking face. Anyway, I wish there was a "Punch in the Fucking Face" button right next to the "Like" button.

Let's start with the traffic bullshit.

I'm just gonna say it... It's fucking rude to take more time to park than is necessary to actually just park. If we're in a completely empty parking lot or whatever, fine... do what you have to do, but if it's the middle of the day, and you really think your time or convenience is so much more valuable than everyone elses that you feel the need to BACK IN to a space. I'm telling you right now, you're wrong. Even if I'm not personally being inconvenienced, or even if my time specifically is not at a premium at that moment, you don't fucking know me, so just pull into the space like a decent human being.

Allow me to provide you with a scenario... one that I briefly summarized on Facebook and started like a serious debate about patience and common courtesy or whatever. That's cool, and all good, and for the most part everyone was well behaved during said Facebook debate, so whatever, but I'm gonna break it down for everyone again.

It's 4:00 pm. I'm at Rookwood Pavilion in Cincinnati, circling an extremely crowded lot looking for a space to get my damned Starbucks. I am NOT in a rush, as I don't have anywhere to be for a full hour, so I'm just circling the lot with 2 people in front of me, waiting my turn.

Finally a spot opens up right by the front of the store, and the first person in line signals that they'll be taking it. Fine. Good.. That's what is supposed to happen. But then, for some reason, they pull past the space, swing wide and then SLOWLY start backing in to the spot. This is ridiculous for a couple of reasons.

1) It takes 4 times as long as parking regularly.
2) It completely blocks the rest of the people waiting to park, since they swung wide and then blocked the full lane with their giant car.

During this little parking scene, a spot on the other side of the lot opens up, and is immediately taken by a car just entering the lot that wasn't blocked by the parker.

Allow me to provide an illustration. And yes... this is the EXACT parking lot.

I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm being a jerk about this. The photo of the lot is actually pretty accurate to what it was like that day. No spots, the same direction of driving as the day in question.

So... The commenters on my Facebook came down on a couple of different sides.

1) Agreement
2) Devil's Advocate (they were all "what would YOU have done?")
3) Disagreement (I don't know that person's reasoning, so I shouldn't assume they were being a jerk)
4) Not only disagreeing, but saying that they would back in also, and if honked at they'd go slower (apparently daring someone to key their car).
5) Telling everyone who agrees with me that we all need to calm down because patience is a virtue or something.

Here's the thing. It's not at all about patience. It's not about personal histories of every driver on the road. My feeling is... I don't know you, you don't know me, so I'll assume you're a crazy person, and I expect the same.

I completely agree that if I know your full life story, I may concede the extra time it takes for you to pull in backward. I may also concede my own convenience if I like you, or if you're old, or you have a cute dog.

If you are neither old, or likeable, or have an adorable pet... Do us all a favor and be as efficient as possible, dude, because I don't fucking know you.

We live in a society. By definition, there are other people in a society. To assume or contend that your pain or convenience makes you better than me, well... I have news for you. You're not better than me, or anyone else.

You wanna know how I knew I was actually annoyed and not just traffic annoyed (a state I am in almost all the time)? I knew I was truly annoyed because I personally wasn't inconvenienced in any particular way. As I said earlier, I wasn't in a rush. I had nowhere to be. In fact, after I watched the 2nd golden spot get taken, I just left and went to another Starbucks.

I wasn't inconvenienced, so i knew it was bunk. BUNK.

Moving on.. Let's talk about Facebook for a minute.

I recently had an exchange on Facebook where I'd posted a sincere comment on something (on my own page), and had multiple people decide they wanted to either argue or tell me I was stupid. It upset me, I'll admit. I was taken aback by the sort of aggressiveness of the comments. I deleted the first one, where they felt the need to disagree with my statement, and wrote a new one. I said that there's always a time and a place to debate those things, but I'd rather people didn't use that particular comment. I even invited people to leave related comments on a new post on my page if they felt the need to. That request was summarily ignored by someone telling me my opinion was stupid.

It took me by surprise, because I don't really feel like I'm on those kinds of terms with either of those people. It could be said that by putting it on my page, I was opening myself up for whatever, but really? If someone goes to a poetry reading and does their thing, is it acceptable to heckle them? I mean... it's allowed, but am I wrong to think that it's not a cool thing to do?

So it struck me that people have this feeling that the screen and keyboard provides this magical free pass to say whatever they want. The Tofu Muchacha has experienced that kind of thing with her blog. She's allowed anonymous commenting for a while, and there has been an increase in unconstructive, mean comments. It hurts me to hear it, because I hate to see her feelings hurt by a stranger. Especially one who doesn't have the courage to provide an identity.

The internet sucks sometimes.

So anyway, because of those feelings I had, let me make some suggestions as to how to behave toward your fellow humans on Facebook.

Consider the following "The Bible of Facebook Etiquette". Unless you don't believe in the bible, in which case, let's call it the "God Delusion of Facebook Etiquette" (please excuse the very specifically directed Richard Dawkins reference.... That was for you, Hombre.)

Rule 1: No Hijacking Other People's Posts
If I write:
"Man... I really love Disney"

There are many varieties of appropriate responses.
- You can simply "Like" it.
- You can be all "Yeah! Disney Roolz!",
- You can say "Disney's Whatevs, but Universal is WAY better" (you'd be wrong, obviously).
- Maybe "What's your favorite ride??"

Really any of those are cool. What's not cool?

"I don't give a crap about Disney. I care more about the presidential election."

By saying that, you're saying that what I care about is stupid (and yet... you are my Facebook friend). You're also saying that whatever thing you've got to talk about is more important. That's fine, but leave it on your own page. It is NOT okay to derail someone's Facebook post (assuming that post had nothing to do with you to begin with).

There's one other appropriate response. You can ignore it. What?!? You mean I don't HAVE to weigh in on literally every status update on my stream? I can simply, if I'm not feeling a particular post, NOT do anything?

That's right. You can just move on to the next one. And that's what you should do.

There is nothing more ridiculous, if you don't care what a person has to say, than taking the time to say you don't care. That's the beauty of Facebook. It's not directed at anyone in particular. You don't need to feel compelled to respond.

Rule 2: Don't Fight with People You Don't Know
Look... I'm all about a good debate.

When I'm commenting on my friend's post, there's always a chance I may disagree with something my friend's friend says. A lot of times I've never met that person before. Because, they're one of those "You have 1 friend in common" people.

So when I say to that person "What are you, some kind of idiot?"... That's not cool.

It's no different than saying it to a complete stranger having a conversation at a restaurant. Oh, except that while telling a stranger at a restaurant they're an idiot when they're being an idiot might sound freaking awesome, it's not awesome to put your mutual friend in a weird position when that dude you told off is all "What the hell is wrong with your friend?" to that same mutual friend.

I know it's tempting. If you want to fight, fight on your own page with your own friends like a civilized person.

Oh... If they start it? Have at it.

Rule 3: C'mon Dude.... Read a Room.
There are occasions when the frivolity of Facebook gets all serious, and someone posts something that's actually sincere or important to them.

Please, for the love of Pete, let them be.

When your friend says "I have Lupus", it's not the time to say "Haha... Did you get diagnosed on "House"? You probably have a third testicle instead".

When your friend says "My dad just died", it is not the time to say "Whatever dude, do you wanna watch
some college football this Saturday?"

When your friend says "Today's been a shitty day", it is not the time to say "I bet mine was worse."

There are times when people are upset, and they want to vent. There are times when people are feeling introspective or contemplative, and while I agree that perhaps Facebook isn't the most private way to have those feelings, it can be a very cathartic experience to post something on Facebook, and have 30 people "Like" your response.

I'm not about to get totally maudlin or anything, because this blog was about being pissed off at how rude people can be, but let me just say...

Facebook has a lot of power today. It's sad, maybe, but it's true. People are killing themselves, because they're being bullied. They're coming out of the closet. They're announcing their engagements, and babies, and losses, and grief, and triumphs. It's really one of the most incredible networks of social interaction in history. Maybe perhaps THE most incredible. There are a BILLION people on Facebook. That's a seventh of the world.

Anyone who's experienced a flood of birthday wishes on their wall can tell you that even that brief "Happy Birthday" can make you feel special. It's an awesome feeling when Facebook is cool. I've even grown closer to people in my family because of it, and while that may be sad in a way, I'm glad it's there. I will never say that it replaces real human contact, because it doesn't, and it can't, but it does have power.

People are too often forgetful that just because it's easy to post something off the cuff because the keyboard almost equals anonymity, you're not anonymous. It might be silly to care, but people care.

We live in a world where people feel like their relationships aren't official until people change statuses. Facebook is here. It's a thing. It's not a fad (at least the concept isn't). So, I guess what i'm saying is... be nice to people. Watch what you say. If you wouldn't say it in person, don't say it on Facebook. Be honest about that.

Kind of a disappointing rant.

My bad.

Disney World E-mail Debate - Top 10 Attractions

2012-01-23T12:00:00.000-05:00

There are very few people I know who love Disney as much asI do. My friend Annie is one of them. She’s been there many times, and puts alot of thought into her visits.

She’s often expressed interest in my Disney-themed blogs over the years, so inan effort to bring more variety to my blog posts, I’ve asked her tooccasionally discuss various topics via email… The products of thosediscussions will be posted here.

For the first one, I asked her simply to name her Top 10Rides/Attractions at Disney World. Here’s our unedited (except for typos) exchange:

********

ANNIE:

Well hello there, Dan! Look at me! I'm actually doing this! After literallyyears of talking about it. Amazing. Anyway, without further ado, my top tenrides at Walt Disney World.

My number one is easy: Splash Mountain.
This is always my answer to the age-old"If you only had time for ONE ride..." question. It has everything.Thrills? Check. Cute Disney characters singing? Check. Impressive audioanimatronics? Checkity check. Granted the queue is pretty heinous in crowdedmid-July and it can be amazingly stressful when the woman in front of you letsher toddler stand up for the entire ride, but the ride itself? Pure Disneyperfection.

Two is Expedition Everest.
The backwards drop is so freaking cool. It's rarenow but I loved when it was first built and people honestly did not know whatwas going on when we pulled up to that mangled
track. I'm sure they didn't think a yeti had destroyed it, but when's the lasttime you went on a roller coaster and were surprised by anything? I actuallyscreamed, "AHH THE YETI" the first time I rode when they light him upnear the end. It's a damn cool ride.

Three? Space Mountain.
Nuff said.

Four is Spaceship Earth.
It would've ranked higher before the recent changes.Would it be that difficult to allow riders to select which audio they want? ButI digress. This ride can also be made stressful by idiot teenagers who climbaround the cars during the backwards descent. Am I the only one who notices thesethings? And never, ever forgets them? And DO NOT call it a golf ball. I am notresponsible for my actions if someone calls it a golf ball.

Five is the TOWER OF TERROR!
I never really realized until just then what asweet name that really is. Anyway. Another example of many Disney fans' reasonfor loving the rides so much. It's not just a drop
ride--go up, come down--like every other theme park builds. It's got a storyand it is SO COOL. When your elevator car goes forward into the Twilight Zone?Amazing.

Six is Pirates of the Caribbean.
Iconic, classic, fun. Although, I once read aprobably-not-true story about how the cast member in the bridge above the dropcan forget to press a button that will make the
boat behind you land on top of your boat. I assume there would be scalping. Ialways imagine scalping. I cannot get this out of my head, so I find myselfunreasonably stressed during that part of the ride. (Wow, I didn't expect thislist to illustrate how neurotic I truly am.) Would've scored higher without allthe changes. I understand including Jack, though. I just don't love it.

Seven is It's A Small World.
I know, I know. But I love Mary Blair. I love thecheesy hippie dippy message. I could be wrong, but I think they haven't addedthe character dolls to the Disney World ride. I saw the new version inDisneyland and I'm not really a huge fan. I love when they Blair-ize thecharacters, but they felt out of place. I hope, in vain, that they leave theWDW attraction alone. (ramblerambleramble) Only downside is when you're stuckin a mass of boats for 12 years at the end of every ride. Also a favorite ridefor Mothers who like to let their toddlers stand up and stress me out.

Eight is Soarin'.
Every time I remind myself not to look down. And thenpromptly look down.

Nine is Ye Olde Rock n Roller Coaster.

And ten, and it's so wrong but so right, is the Many Adventures of Winnie thePooh.
No offense to ole Snowy, but some of the Fantasyland dark rides arebarely worth any wait above 20 minutes. I like this one. I like when the rain rain rain comes down down down and it feels likewe're floating along. I like the Heffalumps (Woozles...meh). I like the bookpages throughout. I just think it's really well done even for such a simple concept.

And there you have it. Now tear it to shreds! Let me guess your
list... "1. Spaceship Earth 2. Soarin' 3. Everest....."

********

MUCHACHO:

Alright! This is gonna be fun. So, first... aninteresting list. I think I could have predicted at least 7 of your 10. Maybenot in order... I dunno... It's hard to say you're wrong about any ofthem (except I can't see putting Winnie the Pooh in any Top Ten, and myfeelings about It's a Small World are well chronicled, though I at leastunderstand the historical significance of that one.. I'll discuss more of yourchoices after my list..

Also, I'm not as tormented as you are by children standing up on the ridevehicles. Part of me really wants to see one of them fall out of the PeopleMover, or whatever, so it doesn't bother me. I've found my enjoyment of some ofthe attractions diminished, though, by the jackasses who take flash picturesand the other ones who don't go all the way down the row. These things make mefar more angry, and they definitely alter my rankings. Little Mermaid is prettyfun until you get stuck on the edge because some family acting as though therules don't apply to them decided to stop in the middle. I pride myself on mycrowd estimating, and know exactly where to stand to get a good seat. All myplanning is ruined when they stop in the middle.

Anyway, lets do this, and then we can hash it out. And you guessed 3 of mytop 10 in your last sentence, but not the order..

Number 1: Soarin'
It's the same deal for me with the whole "if you could only ride onething". I thought not as much about what ride I would choose,but what ride I'd be most bummed I'd skipped. I think that makessense...right? Anyway, I really think that Soarin' is everything a Disneyride should be... It's technically superior to everything else like it in theworld. Every motion simulator TRIES to be this good and fails. It's just anincredible feat of engineering. It has thrills, but not the kind you get atKing's Island, which are cheap. Any ride can drop you or whatever, but Soarin'is exciting when you're not really even moving at all, and I like that itavoids terror and is more a mellow thrill... if that makes sense. I also lovethe smells. I know it's weird, but literally whenever I smell oranges, I thinkof Soarin'. That's a weird thing to try to explain to someone.

Number 2: Pirates of the Caribbean
I can go either way on the additions of Jack, Barbosa and the rest, but reallyit's a real classic of Disney creativity. It's a legendary dark ride. It's soweird too... Every time I ride it I see something new. Like... You know how yougo through that room where the pirates are chasing the women, and the one womanwith the rolling pin is chasing the pirate? I never noticed until this pasttrip that their legs actually move! I always just thought they were glidingaround, and maybe they are, but the legs are definitely churning away. Howfreakin' awesome is that? I've ridden the thing 30+ times and I'm stillexperiencing it differently. That's cool.

Number 3: Expedition Everest:
Waaaay back in the Spring of 09 I wrote a blog called "Disney World forAliens" where I decided what 5 attractions I would recommend toaliens if they were ever to visit and ask "Explain what makes Disney Worldgreat in 5 Attractions". Everest was my #1 thing. It wasn't saying that itwas my favorite ride, just what attraction was the most Disney. It scored oneof the two perfect 10 scores. I think I still agree... First, it's another oneof those technical marvels. You have backward and forward movement, tracks thatliterally flip around, and enormous animatronic things. Next, the theming isright up there as one of the most intricate in the whole of the Disney Empire.Third, it has this visual impact that beats just about every ride in the placeaside from Spaceship Earth. You walk in and that mountain just TOWERS over tothe right. It's amazing to look at. Add to that the totally exciting rideitself, and it's a top 3 attraction any day. It still makes me feel reallygross afterward though. Have I mentioned I'm not a roller coaster fan?

Number 4: The Haunted Mansion
I've come to love this ride more and more as time goes by. It's funny; it'sanother excellent example of theming. It's the ride I'd most want to work on ifI were a cast member (Not the job I'd most want, but if I were to be a ridecharacter). I've been known to listen to the full narration of the ride (ByThurl Ravenscroft...greatest name ever!) in my car. I tried to record it onvideo this past visit, but I failed miserably. I really like the updates theymade to it over the past 5 years, and the new queue is a lot of fun. You'dmentioned the narration on Spaceship Earth, and I think this one is even more indispensable. Thurl died in 2005, and there's really no way to get anyone to come close tobeing as snarky and creepy and funny at the same time. None.

Number 5: Mickey's Philharmagic
You know... I'm a softie, and this attraction pushes all of mynostalgia buttons. I just found out that they didn't record any new Donaldvoice stuff for any of the ride, but simply took old recordings of him andpieced it together. Anyway, there are a few great scenes, each re-done withpretty excellent 3D.. Especially, if I do say so, the Peter Pan scene where youfly around Big Ben.

Number 6: Spaceship Earth
You're right... it's not as good as it once was with the old Jeremy Ironsnarration. That was epic. There was nothing better than cresting at the top ofthe dome and hearing "Or will we use this power to usher in a new age ofunderstanding and cooperation on this, our SPACESHIP EARTH." That was amagical moment... I'm not sure, though that it would beat out any of the other5 for me anyway. And there are still some awesome things. As a Hidden Mickey fan,S.E. is a treasure trove of them. It's also infinitely entertaining to 1) makefunny faces into the new cameras that put your head into the animations at theend. 2) Select a random language so you have no idea what you're choosing inthe interactive portion. That shit his hilarious. I'll never forget selectingFrench and watching our funny faces marching around with French narration as weboarded our sea cars. It loses points by getting rid of Irons, but I love a lotof the new additions. So... it evens out for me, mostly.

Number 7: Tower of Terror!
I hadn't ridden this ride since 1994 before my visit in 2009. Let's be clearabout something... I was a great big pussy for a long time. This ride fuckingTERRIFIED me (fittingly, I suppose). The TM convinced me to ride it again afterall that time, and i came to realize... holy crap is that fun! I've talked alot about the theming previously, and sure enough... it's awesome. What I neverrealized was how much fun it was to be the heavy end of a yoyo. They've changedthe ride mechanism like... five times since I rode it the year it opened, whenthey pretty much just dropped you once and that was it. Now it's totallyrandom, and it drops you like 5 times. And almost bounces. It's crazy fun.

Number 8: Splash Mountain
You're totally right about everything you said about Splash Mountain. It'sdefinitely the best incorporation of characters into a ride. It's gotta be thelongest actual RIDE ride anywhere. The music will get right in your head("Pretty good sureasyourborn") and while the drops are scary, they'renot so scary that I dread them at this point. I used to, though... In fact, Iremember years where I'd watch the people plummet (and there's no other wordfor it), and I'd straight up talk myself out of it. Not anymore. It's really,really fun. The only reason it doesn't make it into the top 5 is that I reallydislike walking around with wet shoes. Trust me when I say... If you rideit once and make it off without getting soaked. STOP RIDING. The gods do notappreciate you tempting fate by riding a second time. Every time I've done it,I've paid the price with soaking wet shoes. I can't abide wet shoes, so theranking drops just on the outside chance of shoe wetness.

Number 9: Star Tours
Never, in a million years, would I have predicted that Star Tours would crackmy top ten even a year ago. It was shaky and nauseating and definitelyoutdated. A cool (and I believe the first) motion simulator that had seenbetter days. Not anymore. They've worked out every mechanical kink, so themovement is now smooth as silk, and the motion seems really, really real. Oh...and they've changed the plot. To FIFTY FOUR variations. The plot comes in theseepisodic pieces that they puzzle together to create a larger adventure, andeach experience is different. Officially, it would take 6 hours of non-stopriding to experience all of the options. What better way to keep the thingfresh? It also has you fighting Darth Vader, and that's pretty cool.

Number 10: Finding Nemo: The Musical
It's easy to forget about this show, but if you're going to the Animal Kingdom,you HAVE to see it. It's so well performed, and the music is so catchy andclever (Written by the people who wrote Avenue Q). It also manages to packin a really good proximity of the full Finding Nemo story in a little over 40minutes. The tech is awesome. The puppetry is really inventive (I would LOVE toplay Bruce the Shark), and the singing is, overall very well executed. Afterthe TM and I saw it in 09, we liked it so much that she bought me thesoundtrack, which lived in slot #5 in my car CD player for the next 2 years.This is easily the best show in all the parks, and one of my favorite things atDisney.

Honorable Mentions: Peter Pan, Kilimanjaro Safari, People Mover, Carousel ofProgress,

So... it seems we have a lot of overlap (Splash Mtn, Everest, Tower of Terror,Pirates, Soarin, Spaceship Earth). I mentioned above your questionableinclusion of Winnie the Pooh, so I won't belabor it, even though Icould say that I think it's inferior to Peter Pan in every way,except for the duration. I'd like for you to explain your inclusionsof Space Mountain, which is, in my opinion a little boring, always has way toolong a line, and is kind of painful to ride.... and Rock n Roller Coaster,which to me is the most non-Disney of all of the major attractions, even thoughit's really fun.

What were your "Close but no cigar" choices? I'm surprised thatneither of us had Journey into Imagination, even though it's widely consideredterrible. I'm also surprised there was no Toy Story Mania... Just for thenewness. Strangely neither made my top 15. What about Kali River Rapids?

This is fun.
Go!

********

ANNIE:

My sick obsession with reading about theme park accidents iswhy I stress so much about it. The People Mover has killed before! The vehiclesreally do not care if you are stuck underneath them, it seems. Shudder.

I commented that some evergreen smelling thing reminded meof Soarin' recently. You are not alone. I'd also like to add that Soarin' is reallycool to experience as a group with other riders. I've always been surrounded bypeople ooh-ing and ahh-ing. (I always do single rider for this one, who careswho you're sitting next to?)

We, too, have the Haunted Mansion CD with Thurl. He was Tony the Tiger! Andsang "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch!" He was actually a bonus answerat my trivia one night. (No one got it.)

I almost added Philharmagic. It was number 11. I have yet to get through thedamn thing without crying though. (There go those neuroses again)

I like the new things at the end of Spaceship Earth, too. Although I made themistake of opening my mouth for the picture so I ended up with a see-through mouth.

The first time I rode Tower of Terror I had to be helped off of it because mylegs were totally jellified. And I could not wait to ride it again. Disney hasa way of making things just scary enough without being too much (Mission: SPACEexcluded). I am not a ride person at all anywhere else. If it doesn't make mepuke, then I'll surely get a headache. At Disney, I know I can safely rideanything without risk of day ruination.

Also on Splash Mountain, if you've made it down the drop without getting wet,don't get too comfortable. That elephant sees me coming every time.

I cannot--CANNOT--wait to see the new Star Tours. Why mustyou taunt
me by speaking of it's awesomeness?

OMFG WITH THE NEMO MUSICAL! I still cannot believe I let you make me sitthrough that garbage. The puppets are really cool. Other than that? Total wasteof everything. The lyrics are written by a five year old! "I'm so sad/Imiss my dad". Oh, just wretched, that thing. I also cannot make it throughthis without crying. (Get it? Cuz it's so bad? ZING.) But it's good to knowthat they sold that one soundtrack that they made by accident.

Peter Pan is short and underwhelming. The concept is cool, it's great to lookat, but I can never justify a 45 minute wait for 3 minutes of, "Cool! Sosmall!" Ride vehicles are neat-o, though. You must always wave to Nana.WAVE TO NANA!

I think Space Mountain is so totally rad. I honestly get giddy every time Iclimb into that car because I'm about to go into space and it's SO COOL. I lovethe exterior as well--so 70's futuristic. I'm having trouble coming up with anyexplanation beyond, "CUZ ITS COOL, I LIKE LIGHTS!" The DL version ismuch less cool, I will say. If this were a DL list, I'm not sure that it would'vemade it. You know, less colors. I've waited two hours for Space Mountainbefore. With a FP [Fast Pass] in hand to ride it again immediately after. MaybeI have some sort of forgotten childhood subconscious thing with it. Who knows?Same with Rock n Roller Coaster, too, really. I mean, arguably Everest is no different.There's nothing "Disney" about a Yeti. Their Disney-oscity lies intheir awesome-noscity.

I considered Philharmagic, Toy Story Mania (which I do think is really fun butI can't wait to not have to wait in line for 6 days just to ride it), StarTours and MuppetVision3D. Oh, and I seriously tried to rationalize adding ElRio del Tiempo (name change? what name change? lalalala...) or Maelstrom. Butthat's when my brain starts going, "And
Jungle Cruise! And the Tiki Room! Andandandand!" and I remind myself thatthe point is to pick only ten.

Oddly, I've never ridden Kali River Rapids. I've always wanted to but there'snever been a convenient time to be soaking wet. I get pretty wham-bam in AnimalKingdom. Get in, ride Everest a couple of times, Dinosaur, Rainforest Cafe, andI'm outta there. I'm a little surprised you didn't have your little safari onthere, too. Or the dreaded Carousel of Progress.

This felt reeeeeeeeally ramble-y. Feel free to edit. Structure was never mystrong suit.

********

MUCHACHO

That was a lot to take in... I'll respond, you respond (inshort form) with any closing thoughts, and we'll call this one complete...

1) Finding Nemo, when we saw it, was still in rewrites. I scanned through thesoundtrack and there is no "I'm so sad; I miss my Dad". So, if thatwas in it in 2006, it's not in there now. Either way, the tech and the puppetryis awesome. The music is catchy, and it grows on you. I love it now.

2) I wonder if that open mouth thing is what happened to me. We got a videowith 2 Tofu Muchachas. It was mildly disconcerting.

3) You mention, briefly, Mission Space. I read things all the time about Top10s and whatnot, and I very rarely see it mentioned. I've ridden it once, andit was "meh" for me. Not memorable. (I did ride the tame version). Itdidn't make me sick or anything, but I can see how it would. I also note nomentions at all of Test Track. I skipped it for the first time on my mostrecent visit. And we definitely had the time.

4) The difference between Rock'n'Roller Coaster / Space Mountain vs Everest interms of "Disney-Osity" is the level of technology and the theming.There's nothing more inherently Disney about a Yeti than there is aboutPirates, but the Yeti itself is so awesome, and well done.. ONLY Disney coulddo it. I've never felt the same about the other 2. There's something originalabout Space Mountain that I will concede, because i think it was the firstindoor, dark roller coaster. I'd be more inclined to include that one, justbecause of the historical significance. Maybe it's the Aerosmith inclusion inthe other one that sort of makes me apathetic to it. Seems to date it veryspecifically, and isn't Disney supposed to be at least a little timeless?

5) I feel far more "Wham Bam" about Studios than I do about AnimalKingdom, though Tower of Terror is a fairly new addition to my favorite ridesand it certainly extends my stay there. AK has a bunch of "secondtier" things for me. The Safari is awesome, but it’s far too dependent onthe animals' moods to be truly in top 10 considerations. Dinosaur is good, butnot great. Festival of the Lion King is great, but I didn't have room for 2shows. Same with Tough to Be a Bug. I'd choose Philharmagic over it any day. Kali River Rapids is fun, but way too short, and yeah... There's about a 50%chance of getting more than soaked. Like... completely water-logged drenched.Not worth it.

6) Carousel of Progress is part of the subject of a whole other e-mailexchange: Things that sorely need updating.

7) You mentioned also the Tiki Room... They finally brought it back to the oldshow, and it was awesome. It also just missed inclusion.

********

ANNIE:

Well, we agreed on an awful lot, even if the placement wasdifferent. I think it's really heartening how many recent additions we bothhave on our lists. I think it's easy to sit back and look at all the things thathave changed or that Disney is doing wrong nowadays. This list served to remindme that they still do a lot of really cool things
that stay true that what Disney once provided and what we fans have come toexpect. A beginning, middle and end. Intense theming. Superior technology.

It's also nice to see that things that have barely been changed since theirconstruction (adding Sparrow or changing audio are really small changes, if youthink about it) on both of our lists. The Star Tours changes have updated aride that was starting to feel dated and stale without changing the essence ofthe ride--or getting rid of it all
together. These lists have really made me feel a lot less pessimistic aboutDisney (as reading critical blogs can often lead you to be).

With the big Fantasyland expansion looming, it feels exciting to think aboutwhat these lists will look like in another ten years. How odd and special howDisney can balance the old with the new and manage to have guests love all ofit. It's not as though it's all geriatrics on Pirates while the kids arezooming around Test Track. Well, that's enough gushing about WDW. I'm glad to havemy current list archived so I can look back and it (and think, 'Really, Annie?Really?').

One last note: Seriously? Finding Nemo: the Musical? Out of everything--EVERYTHING--else,you pick that. It boggles my mind so much that I give the computer screen theside eye, wondering if you're just trolling your own brain somehow. But, sure.Tell people it's awesome. Less people in line for Everest that way.

*********
If you were entertained and wish to follow Annie on Twitter, she can be found at @djphob
Me? I'm at @beefymuchacho (of course).

The 2011 Muchacho Movie Rankings: Part 2... The Golden Muchachos

2012-01-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

I’m back for Part 2 of my 2011 Movie Blog Extravaganza! Alsoknown as the less intense and overwhelming portion.

In Part 1, you may recall that I talked forever about a lotof movies. Some good, some bad, but most importantly, I talked a lot.

Part 2 will concentrate on the Golden Muchacho Awards. They’re basically likethe Oscars, but way more prestigious, and far more fictional.

Let’s Get Started!

Best Supporting Actor:
Patton Oswalt, Young Adult
Okay, so I hated this movie a lot, but Patton Oswalt somehow rose above thefray to put in one of the better performances of the year, supporting or not. Iwould have enjoyed hanging out with him in his garage, drinking Jawa Juice orwhatever it was he was making in those barrels.

Honorable Mentions:
Simon Pegg, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Ryan Gosling, Crazy Stupid Love
TJ Miller, Our Idiot Brother\

Jonah Hill, Moneyball

Aziz Ansari, 30 Minutes or Less

Best SupportingActress
Anna Kendrick, 50/50
I believe Ms. Kendrick is now a 2 time winner of this award. It’s possible I’mnot totally rational when it comes to her, because I find her totallyfascinating, and really really talented. In any case, I thought she wasexcellent in this movie, as the reluctant love interest. She managed to playthe character’s struggle between all of these conflicting emotions so well, andso believably. I mean… I would not have wanted her as my therapist, but thatmay have kinda been the point.

Honorable Mentions:
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants
Bryce Dallas Howard, 50/50
Judi Dench, My Week with Marilyn

Maggie Smith, Harry Potter 7 pt. 2

Elle Fanning, Super 8

WeirdestPerformance, Female and Male Respectively

Carla Gallo, We Bought a Zoo – A truly bizarre performanceand an equally strangely written role. Gallo tends to play relatively likeablecharacters, but this one wasn’t at all. It was so weird. I didn’t understandthe animosity she had, and it just seemed horned in to create some sort ofdrama.

Mickey Rourke, Immortals – Man… this dude is totally crazy.I mean, I get that he was playing this crazy horrible villain, but he keptspitting on the ground and into things. Big pieces of fruit or whatever he waseating. It was so clearly a character choice he was making that was juststrange.

Biggest Waste ofGood Actors

Pirates of the Caribbean – Depp, McShane, and Rush in theworst movie of the year.. This is the CLEAR winner. There are no runners up.

Best Looking Cast

Crazy Stupid Love – This movie wins just by sheer volume ofattractive people. Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Julianne Moore, and Marisa Tomei.I mean… That’s some good looking dramedy.?

50/50 – Bryce Dallas Howard and Anna Kendrick.
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – Rooney Mara and Daniel Craig

Captain America – Chris Evans and Hayley Atwell.
X-Men – January Jonesm Jennifer Lawrence, and Fassbender.
Drive – Gosling and Carey Mulligan

I refuse to list Twilight, because that’s literally the only goal of theproducers of this movie, and they still fail. I won’t even go into how thevampires are supposed to be the most beautiful creatures on Earth, and um… Noteven close. Did you see how butchered Maggie Grace was? Yikes.

Toughest Scene toWatch

Water for Elephants – The beating of the elephant. There’sonly one other possible choice, and I’ll mention that too, but this one was theonly scene that I literally had to look away. I don’t know how they did it, butthat was some super disturbing, super realistic animal cruelty. Don’t want tosee it ever again.

Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – Rape of Lisbeth / Lisbeth gets her revenge. Imean… I don’t want to spoil it for people, but the horrible rape scene,followed by the subsequent revenge was pretty damned disturbing. I’ll just say that while it was sort ofenjoyable to see Lisbeth give that pervy guy a violent comeuppance, when sheshoved that giant silver thing up his ass, and then kicked it. I’m certain thewhole theater shuddered at once. That was rough.

Best IndividualScene – Comedy-

Bridesmaids – The Dress Shop Scene. If you haven’t seen it,my describing it to you will just seem gross. Just know that it was reallyfucking hilarious.

Best Individual Scene – Drama
50/50 – Pre-Surgery. The scene when Joseph Gordon Levitt is heading intosurgery, and his fear and anxiety starts bubbling to the surface. A really powerfulscene, excellently acted.

Best Actor

Joseph Gordon Levitt – 50/50

Look… This was a man’s performance. He hit every note, andhe did it with subtlety and seeming ease. There was nothing showy about it, andit was kind of easy to get lost in the shuffle of bigger name performances thisyear, but for my money, JGL makes a potentially saccharine, manipulative roleand squeezes every bit of humor and pathos out of it. He has 4 or 5 amazingscenes in this movie. Seriously, people. Buy it on BluRay and sit down andwatch it. It’s just an excellent movie anchored by a really excellentperformance by its lead.

Honorable Mentions
George Clooney, The Descendants
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Steve Carell, Crazy Stupid Love

Matt Damon, We Bought a Zoo
Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter 7

Best Actress
Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn

Nobody touches it. She was so good, and so sad as MarilynMonroe. I mean… I’ve talked a lot in other places about how I see a differencebetween the biopics where the actor impersonates a person (Ray and Monster astwo highly lauded examples) and where the actor plays the person without doingan impression (Walk the Line). I much prefer the latter to the former sinceimpressions seem gimmicky. There are occasional movies where the impression isso good, and so deep that you forget you’re not watching the real person. (Manon the Moon is my favorite of these.). Well.. Michelle Williams can be added tothis list. And for the record, Jim Carrey was robbed.

Honorable Mentions
Carey Mulligan, Drive
Kristin Wiig, Bridesmaids

Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

The 2011 Muchacho Movie Rankings Part 1

2012-01-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

Last year I wrote a blog about all ofthe movies I saw in the theater in 2010.

I’d always beeninterested in the question “What is your favorite movie?” andfound my answer changing based on my tastes and my mood. This, ofcourse, is natural, but I also wondered how I would rank the moviesbased solely on my gut reaction to it at the very moment I saw it, soI started at the very start of the year, and listed each movie I sawas I saw it. Each time I added a movie, I placed it within the listbased on where it ranked among the other movies at the time I saw it.It was easy, because I didn’t have to evaluate each movie at thesame time. I was exceptionally pleased with how the list came out,and I think it’s an interesting way to rank them.

I didn’t do it the same way thisyear. I didn’t keep exact running track of them. Instead, I sort ofjust kept a list, unranked, throughout the year, and decided toevaluate them all at once by a new criteria.

“Would I want to see it again?”

I created several categories, andstarted at the top, picking the movies that fit into the mostesteemed category (“Movies I’d want to own”). Once I’ddivvied them all out, I was able to then rank the more manageablegroups within their subsets.

I think it’s still a fairlyaccurate portrayal of the movies I loved, liked, and disliked for theyear, and I’m keeping them in order… So basically you’regetting my Best to Worst. Overall, I don’t think it was aparticularly strong year.

Let’s break it down…

“Movies I Want toOwn”

50/50 -
Maybe I’mnot your typical “dude” who wants action, action, and moreaction. I’m definitely all about the story with many levels, and Ireally feel like no movie this year did a better job of mixing greatacting, excellent writing, comedy, emotion, and people I liked doinginteresting and likable things. Joseph Gordon Levitt should beconsidered for Best Actor this year, but he won’t be mainly becausethe movie came out too soon, and is probably considered too light formost voters (because what’s a movie about a young guy dying fromcancer if it’s not light?). My girl Anna Kendrick rocked it, again.Seth Rogen proved he could act, and not just be awkward (like hisperformance in The Green Hornet, for example). I cried at this movie,and I’m not ashamed to admit it. It’s the only one this year thatreally got me without me feeling a little manipulated (I’m lookingat you “We Bought a Zoo”). The Oscar talk has really gotten ahead of steam lately, and I rarely hear this mentioned, which is oddsince Rotten Tomatoes has this as the 2011 Winner of the GoldenTomato award for Best User Reviewed movie. Everyone loved it.

The Descendants / Moneyball–
Clooney and Pitt, at it again. Um… In completely separatemovies. Both feature very strong performances by these establishedstars, and they’re getting the majority of the attention, but theyalso featured great performances by other people, putting them overthe top. The Descendants features Shailene Woodley as Clooney’sdaughter, acting the shit out of a role that could easily beone-note, AND a barely mentioned Judy Greer as “the other man’swife” being great in just 3 scenes. I loved her in that movie. InMoneyball, our boy Jonah Hill, before he lost a crapload of weight,playing a completely fictional person in a movie about a true story. Kinda weird, I know, but he was really good. And that movie was aboutbaseball, so I had to give it extra points. Of all the movies on thelist, theTofu Muchacha would have cared the least about thisMoneyball…. One last note about The Descendants… Is it nowClooney’s secondary mission to play the leading man opposite prettybrunette girls who garner Oscar talk for Best Supporting Actress?

Harry Potter 7 part 2. –

You know what’s weird? I didn’thave part 1 on last year’s list at all. That was, I think, amistake, or maybe I was just planning to count the whole thing as onemovie and saved it for this year. Yeah… that’s what it was…Anyway, it’s very difficult to rate this movie by itself. All ofthe years of buildup to it sort of give it too much context for me tobe completely honest about it. I could likely write a whole blogabout just this movie series. It’s great, it got better as it wentalong, and I was totally happy with the on-screen realization of oneof my all time favorite books. It didn’t pack the emotional wallopthat the books did, but how could it? Still great, and I’m excitedto see the kids start showing up in other movies. Radcliffe in TheWoman in Black should be good.

Girl with the DragonTattoo –
I was about halfway through the book when Iwent to see the movie. I couldn’t wait anymore. I’m super glad Iwas impatient. I really liked it. Rooney Mara played Lisbeth Salanderas the total badass I picture when I read the book, and literallyevery scene she was in was so arresting that I was almost hypnotizedby her. There were definitely some down points in it… I find theactual mystery they’re investigating to be a bit of a non-starter,but that’s more an issue with the source material. I found theperformances, across the board, to be excellent. Daniel Craig wasbelievable as “not Bond”, Christopher Plummer was crazy good, andI loved all of the assorted Vanger family members. The Soundtrack wasalso excellent. Like… really excellent.

There are a bunch of movies in thenext two categories, and for the most part they could have, uponfurther evaluation, been swapped around and I wouldn’t havequestioned myself too much… However, so much of this experiment isabout “Gut Reaction” at the time of viewing that I couldn’t dotoo much fiddling with them. I simply separated them betweencategories at where I felt was the best place.

Netflix on aSaturday Night (Reasonably Good Movies, worthy of a date night)

Bridesmaids / Crazy Stupid Love

Do you know that people are talkingabout both of these movies in terms of OSCARS? That’s so strange,you know, because I see these movies as essentially the same kind offlick, and for the most part just really fun and fluffy. Of course,both of these movies are elevated by good writing and pretty strongperformances (Wiig and McCarthy in Bridesmaids and Gosling andCarrell in Crazy Stupid Love). In the end, I came close to placingthese movies in the upper category, but for whatever reason (asopposed to the ones above) neither of them stuck with me long after Ileft the theater. I think the TM liked them both a great deal,though, so that counts for something.

We Bought A Zoo

I really liked this movie, except forthe dead wife/mommy storyline. I feel like, even though it was basedon a true story, this part was overly manipulative. Especially thebusiness at the end. I really am a sucker for father/son bondingmovies, and I love animals, and I am one of the few unabashed PatrickFugit fans out there. Overall, it was a really good movie with a lotof memorable stuff, but I couldn’t rate it higher because Icouldn’t help but feel like a bit of a puppet as I walked out.

Mission Impossible: GhostProtocol / Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows

Okay… So… These movies were superfun. I enjoyed both of them while I watched (especially MissionImpossible), and they were both pretty stunning to look at. So… whynot in the DVD category? They suffered from the same disease…. Thecentral conceit/ mystery was a little too convoluted for me. I leftthinking that something didn’t sit right. I don’t generally havea hard time following espionage plots, but the one in Sherlock Holmeswas almost impossible. I did have a hard time believing thatMoriarty, with his vast intellect, would be so consumed withsomething so pedestrian as war racketeering. And in MI… how manytimes is “Global Nuclear War” going to be the goal of someone ina big spy movie? How is this a reasonable goal? Anarchy isinteresting, sort of, but the odds of death are far too high for thevillain to truly want to blow everything up.

Super 8 / The Muppets
Ihad a tough time with these two. On the surface, they’re bothreally strong movies that also happen to sort of prey on my ownnostalgia (partly for kind of awesome filmmaking with kid stars andpartly for Muppets… you can guess which was which.). I think bothwould be higher had I felt more personal connection with The Muppets(I liked them, I think, but I was never the huge Muppets fan thatsome kids were) or with late 70s nostalgia. I was born in 1980. Ihave a feeling if some of the key situations in Super 8 had had thering of MY childhood, I’d feel more strongly about it. In bothcases, they were enjoyable, but not indelible.
* Side note… Inever put together the central concept of the Muppets until recentlythat the difference between Muppets and puppets is that puppets areknown to be toys with hands up their asses / strings on their arms,while Muppets are regarded by all humans as completely normal andfitting within the human world. Weird, huh?

Captain America

I do know a few things for sure:
1)Chris Evans has never been as good as this.

2) The effects were awesome.

3) Elrond played the bad guy

4) The action sequences were tight.

5) The period feel of it was cool for asuper hero movie.

6) The main love interest, played byHayley Atwell, is smoking hot.

All of these things are points inthe favor of Captain America. Just one problem: For the life of me Ican’t really remember the plot of this movie. I mean. I rememberthe Captain American origin portion, but lord… that whole Elrondpart was crazy and I don’t remember it. I think it involved TrumanCapote.

The Big Year

This movie came and went without muchcomment. It was largely disliked by critics. But you know… I likedit. It wasn’t anything brilliant, and it wasn’t breaking newground, exactly, but it was a very likeable movie, about a quirkysubject (bird watching… which itself is a term disliked by thatcommunity), featuring several big name, likeable stars who do largelylikeable things. It’s a pleasant movie that I would watch again ifit were on cable, and if I see it on Netflix on a Saturday night withthe Tofu Muchacha, I’m going to push for it… because otherwiselord knows what nonsense I’ll end up watching.

NetFlix on aThursday Afternoon (maybe part of a movie marathon, or while we’respending a lazy day at home)

Contagion-

A decent movie with an utterlyterrifying premise. Kate Winslett dying early on doesn’t win it anypoints. Ultimately, it doesn’t really do anything different thanseveral other movies with the same concept. One funny note… I’venever witnessed more obsessive hand-washing than I did in the men’srestroom after seeing this movie. I mean, dudes were going to town.

Horrible Bosses / Our IdiotBrother

Movies featuring guys I find funny andfor the most part are funny, but definitely aren’t ground breakingat all. Horrible Bosses would have been way better had it gone muchfurther with the bad behavior of the bosses. I kind of feel like theydid it with the Kevin Spacey character, but the other two were badbut didn’t really warrant the crazy level of hatred. They weredefinitely bad, manipulative people, but MURDER material? I’m notsure. Our Idiot Brother was largely predictable, but had some funnyscenes. Especially the ones featuring the hippie boyfriend of PaulRudd’s ex. That dude brought this one up at least a category.

Thor / X-Men First Class

The mediocre super-hero movies of thisyear’s batch. They both had cool things (most of the Thor/ Asgardstuff , and Fassbender). They both also had some fairly glaring flaws(most of the Earth stuff in Thor, and the horrible, over-the-topacting of Kevin Bacon in X-Men). Origin stories are interestingsometimes, and sometimes they feel like setup. These two flicks woundup more on the “felt like setup” side. Thor was the mostobviously “engineered for The Avengers” of all of thepre-avengers movies. X-Men seemed to want to establish a new group ofactors to play younger versions of these characters, becausepresumably Famke Janssen, Hugh Jackman, James Marsden are all toofucking old at this point, or have realized they have better thingsto do. If that’s the case with X-Men, I give it a pass, because Ilike the new cast. Unfortunately, I fear that Jennifer Lawrence mayhave something better to do now (what with being the lead in TheHunger Games and all).

30 Minutes or Less

Okay… I loved 50 percent of thismovie. The Jessie Eisenberg /Aziz Ansari portion of this moviecracked me up. I think Ansari is one of the funniest people workingtoday. He’s fucking hilarious right now. He’s got this deliverywhere he points out obvious things with incredulity that makes melaugh every time. Eisenberg’s character was also funny, and apretty interesting change from The Social Network. I mean… he wasequally unlikeable in his own way, but I enjoyed his performanceanyway.

And then we have Danny McBride and NickSwardson.

I’m sorry, but I have to say it…I’m tired of Danny McBride’s “Danny McBride” bit. I likeEastbound and Down well enough, but isn’t that character a littleoverdone at this point? Swardson too. You can’t really call it“acting” at this point, can you? It’s just this weird characterhe does where he’s full of crazy, perv bravado…. Oh… and he’san inept moron. When he did it in Tropic Thunder, it was fresh andhilarious. 3 years later, he needs to come up with a new bit, andI’ll be honest and say that he personally reduced the score andgrade of this movie.

The Hangover Part 2

I love the first movie. This was notmarkedly different in either way, except that now it’s not as freshor as interesting. Funny? Yes. Even remotely satisfying? No.

NetFlix at 3 AM (Youknow… that time of night where you’re just awake and you seesomething and are all “Why the hell not?”. I would watch these atwork rather than a rerun of American Pickers. Probably. These are notparticularly good movies.)

Tower Heist

I miss Eddie Murphy being funny likethis. His presence was literally the only interesting thing aboutthis movie (aside from a 30 second scene between him and the girlfrom Precious which was in the trailer). Other than this, there’sbarely anything to make me remember it at all. Eddie Murphy still hasit in him somewhere. That is all.

Immortals

Man… There were a lot of beheadingsin this movie.

Normally, I’d say this was a good thing, andit certainly wasn’t a BAD thing, but damn…This could have been atotally badass movie. It wasn’t. It was merely watchable. I wouldhave liked to see Peter Jackson make this exact movie with his ownscript and effects team. It could have been fucking awesome. Oh…and Mickey Rourke is almost certainly completely insane at thispoint. I’m pretty positive.

Watchable,Maybe Good, but Just the Once. (Can you say artsy fartsy?)… oh…in no particular order.

Drive
Okay, okay… Iknow like every art snob and his/her brother is totally having aboner about this movie, and it was… you know… kinda good. That’s…that’s about all I can say about it. Gosling was good, I suppose.Albert Brooks is apparently already clearing space on his mantle. Ithas Brian Cranston, who is awesome. It has Carey Mulligan, who isalso awesome. It has all the makings of an awesome movie, except forbeing an awesome movie. It was fine, but you know… I never have tosee it again.

Midnight in Paris

I’ve never been one to totally getWoody Allen. I mean… the dialogue or whatever, and you could arguethat Allen is the greatest Traveloguest of all time. He’s writtenmore love letters to New York than anyone, and now he’s on to theEuropean Capitals (First with Vickie Christina Barcelona). It’s anentertaining watch, but has far too many annoying characters for meto want to see it again. Poor Rachel McAdams, one of my all timefavorites, was made to be such a horrid shrew, I had to watch TheWedding Crashers to wash my brain of her performance. She was soone-dimensionally written that I wanted to stop watching. It’s notlike Owen Wilson’s lead character was much more likeable orsympathetic. He wasn’t. People have loved this movie. It’s one ofthe best rated Woody Allen movies in 30 years, and my thoughts? Meh.It’s pretty. It needed more Adrian Brody (and you know that’s nota good thing to think).

My Week with Marilyn
Asingle, amazing performance that saves this movie from being almostentirely unlikeable. Michelle Williams was worth seeing essentiallybecome Marilyn Monroe, but even with her crazy good portrayal, shedidn’t really succeed in making Marilyn a sympathetic character.Eddie Redmayne may have changed his name from Colin to “Gawker”and everyone would have gone along. I did like Judi Dench, but then…doesn’t that basically go without saying at this point? I’m gladI saw the movie for Williams’ performance, but now I have, and itcan go away.

The Ides of March
Morecompletely unlikeable people doing things I don’t care about. Regardless of what my occasional blog may indicate, I’m not allthat interested in politics. I’m also not a fan of stories aboutadultery and political intrigue. I saw this movie because it wasfilmed in Cincinnati, and I was curious to see the local things theyused. Of course, they edited locations strangely, and it distractedme. Clooney did a decent job, I assume, but it’s not my kind offlick. It also featured my least favorite of Ryan Gosling’s 3 rolesthis year, and the best performance I can recall of Evan Rachel Wood,not that that says much.

Should Have Waitedfor NetFlix (I would have preferred to be able to pause it to take abreak and evaluate the number of movies I see).

Something Borrowed

I remember finding this to be aperfectly fine RomCom. That’s about all. Hugely wasted talent withKrasinski (who basically picks one bad movie after another) andGinnifer Goodwin. The TM told me at the time that it’s a book in aseries of books, and that the 2^nd one features the utterlydetestable character played by Kate Hudson. For the life of me, Ican’t figure out how anyone could tolerate 5 more minutes of her.She’s one of the worst characters I can think of, and I saw RachelMcAdams in Midnight in Paris.

Water for Elephants

I read the book and really liked it. Ihave to admit that I hoped for more. It was a disappointment forreasons I can’t fully articulate, so I won’t. It just wasn’t afun watch. It also featured the worst single moment of viewing of theyear, when the elephant was beaten. Bad.

Killer Elite

If I told you that I saw an “intrigue”movie featuring Jason Statham, Robert DeNiro, and Clive Owen, youprobably would have been excited, right? Well… I sure as hell was.And then I saw it, and I thought… Huh… That was boring as allhell. I don’t care what happens with these people at all. And italso featured Yvonne Strahovski from Chuck. A good actress who alsohappens to be a badass in action scenes, and also happens to be veryattractive…and she’s a total non factor.

Movies I wish Icould Forget (and possibly already have).

First the movies that I totallyforgot I saw until I started putting together this list:

SuckerPunch/ Hall Pass/ The Green Hornet-

I guess these movies happened. I recalla guy pooping in a golf bunker. I recall a girl dressing up like adoll. I recall an Asian man making coffee, and Christoph Waltz beinga bad guy. That’s about it.

I remember thinking at the timethat Sucker Punch could have been cool if it had made any logicalsense at all.

I remember thinking at the time thatThe Green Hornet would have been better had it featured bad language,nudity, and violence… Which is weird, because Seth Rogen wasrecently interviewed by Howard Stern, and he essentially admittedthat the movie sucked because it was PG13 and not R. I kind ofbelieve him. He’s for sure right about it sucking.

I THINK Hall Pass featuredthe pooping golfer. I cannot be sure.

The Rum Diary-

We’ve all seen this movie, back whenit was called Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I never have anyinterest in seeing Johnny Depp play a drunk ever again. (more on thatlater). This was a movie about drugs, sex, and Puerto Rico that alsohappened to be completely boring. Amber Heard is in this movie andit’s still completely boring. It’s just a boring fucking moviethat was unnecessary.

Just Go With It
Acompletely ridiculous movie whose end could have been predicted inthe first 2 minutes. Also, it’s one of those maddening movies whereif the main character had simply just told the truth in the first 5minutes of the misunderstanding, everything would have been fine.Instead they go through INSANE lengths to keep a lie going forabsolutely no reason.

Brooklyn Decker – “Why doyou have a wedding ring in your pocket? Are you married, youasshole?”
Adam Sandler – “No, I’m not married. Iwas engaged once, and she broke my heart. I carry this ring aroundwith me all the time. Sometimes, and I’m not proud of this, I showit to girls to get sympathy. Not my proudest moment, but at least Ididn’t do that with you, right?”
Brooklyn Decker –“Wow… that’s super sad and kinda pathetic. Whatever, I’m overit. Let’s bone again, and then why don’t you get rid of thatring... And then let’s get married.”

Adam Sandler – “Done”

Puss in Boots
Otherthan the fairly entertaining concept that while it’s ananthropomorphic cat, he still acts like a cat sometimes (blatantlystolen from Dug’s squirrel obsession in ‘Up’), not interesting.Not funny. Not engaging. Just a stupid movie that is nothing morethan a cash grab. And Humpty Dumpty was really weird.

Young Adult

I toyed with putting this in the lastcategory along with the other 3 worst movies I saw this year. I knowit’s a strange choice, because Charlize Theron is good. PattonOswalt is good. Patrick Wilson is good. All three of them are good.Jason Reitman is good (I think… though come to think of it, I alsodisliked the almost universally loved Juno). In any case, it’sdifficult for a hoard of good actors to make a really detestablefilm, but they somehow managed to do it, while still putting indecemt performances. Especially Oswalt, who kicks total ass. Forwhatever reason, though, I couldn’t wait for this movie to end. IHATED the main character. (Like… you’re supposed to think she’sa bad person. I just couldn’t stand her). I didn’t understand whyanyone tolerated her nonsense. I thought, for a brief moment at theend that the movie might be slightly redeemed. But no. I know that ispart of the supposed charm of it… that she’s so unapologeticallyawful. But I feel like for that to work really, the character has tohave some sort of likeable thing going on underneath where you don’tcompletely despise her. Fail. I don’t feel bad for her. I just hateher.

It’s the performance of Oswalt alone that prevents mefrom placing it in the last group…

TheMovies that Actively Made me Want to Fight Someone. They were justthat bad.

Twilight –
Okay,so my relationship with the Twilight movies and books is wellchronicled on this blog. I’ve compared it negatively to just abouteverything. Most recently to the far superior Hunger Games trilogy,that…so help me… better live up to my expectations in movie form.Anyway, there’s something truly detestable about these peopletaking an excruciatingly weird, awkward, gross book like “BreakingDawn” and dividing it into two equally excruciating, awkward,weird, gross movies. Like Puss in Boots, it’s a totally blantantcash grab, and it’s taking advantage of teens everywhere (and me,who will undoubtedly see the last one in the theater too). Thiswasn’t a good movie. It was downright dull. NOTHING happened. If aperson watched just this one movie, and didn’t understand the wholevampire/werewolf bit, they’d think it was some sort of elaborate“Sex=Pregnancy=Death” thing. Because that’s all that happened.They got married. Sexed it up (violently) for a bit, she getsimmediately knocked up, and then the fetus tries to eat her from theinside. Nice huh? Good teen fun. Fuck these movies where nothinghappens, and we’re expected to love it and salivate for more.There’s not even a satisfying Werewolf/vampire battle, or even oneof the godforsaken teen love triangles. The choices have all alreadybeen made. Even the horrid Rosalie character gets the shaft when allof the “depth” from books is totally erased and barely eluded to. Gross.

The Green Lantern-

Easily my biggest disappointment of theyear. I LOVE the Green Lantern story. Hal Jordan, test pilot, isbequeathed a magic ring that helps him guard the universe. His powersare only limited by his creativity and imagination (and the coloryellow, idiotically enough). So many places to go with it. So manyoptions. But no… It was just a bad, cheesy movie with laughablespecial effects and no imagination. Bad acting. Bad writing. Stupidvillain. (Paralax, what?!!). Ryan Reynolds personal gift is snark,and they took that all away. Blake Lively is… terrible. What can Isay? She’s the worst. It was tough to sit through. It was like theytook an awesome superhero idea and spent a shitload of money on it,and instead of giving it to capable people like Christopher Nolan orSam Mendes or Peter Jackson, they give it to a monkey with somecrayons. It was just awful. Totally upsetting. Totallyunoriginal.

I was especially disappointed with the lack ofimagination used for the powers. When given the choice of creatinganything with his mind, he made like… 14 guns, a car, and a wave.Seriously? That’s the best he could come up with? He’s the saviorof the galaxy? Bullshit.

And here itis folks… my WORST MOVIE OF 2011.

Piratesof the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
What total fuckingnonsense this movie was. You know why it was the worst movie of theyear? Because it was the biggest waste ever. First… I think it wasso bad that it has almost sullied how I feel about the first movie. Ibarely regard the 2^nd and 3^rd movies, sincethey were sort of obligatory sequels with good things and bad things,but mostly guilty of pushing a little too hard when the first one wasso effortless.

Well, this one pushed so hard it nearly tookthe good will the first one built up, and shoved it off a cliff. Thefirst movie is easily in my Top 10 movies of all time list. (I shoulddo that one soon. That’s so tough).

1-For the first time, Johnny Depplooked bored playing Jack Sparrow. I’m not saying he was steller in2 and 3, but he at least seemed to be having a good time.

2-The plot was crazy, and also reallyreally dumb.

3- Enormous wastes of Ian McShane as Blackbeardand Geoffrey Rush. I’m not saying that these guys deserve meatiermaterial, but seriously. McShane played the greatest anti-hero in thehistory of television. I think he can handle a little more substance.Geoffrey Rush has a fucking OSCAR. He already played Barbossa toperfection a few times. Why was this one so stale?

4- Thebiggest reason it’s the worst is because it took something soawesome, and with so much great background, had infinite time, money,and scope to really get it right, and failed miserably. It wasboring. It wasn’t funny. The action scenes were SOOO BAD. When youcompare the fights in this one with the sword fight between OrlandoBloom and Depp in Curse of the Black Pearl, you’ll see what I mean.There was no rhythm. There was no heart to any of it.

I thinkthis is ultimately my biggest pet peeve with big budget movies thatare highly anticipated. In that group, I’ll include movies like TheGreen Lantern, all of the Twilights, this most recent Pirates, andthe last Indiana Jones movie….

These movies are guaranteed to makea shitload of money. There’s no question that the 4^thIndiana Jones flick was going to crush it at the box office. So…with that in mind, and no real need to rush something out, why notcome up with something really fucking good. There’s no way thatGeorge Lucas and Spielberg thought that shit was any good. And ithurt the legacy. Same with Pirates here. You’re telling me thatthey couldn’t wait another 6 months to find the perfect script, andmaybe get a good fight director, and maybe get Johnny Depp in thegroove? I call BS. The thing is… they made a crapload of money, butthey seriously hurt the legacy of the movies. Maybe they just don’tsee it.

This is why I’m fine with Ghostbusters 3 neverseeing the light of day. If it’s not good, don’t push it.

Let’sleave it at that. I think a five thousand word blog is quite enough,thank you.

(Stay tuned for Part 2 later in theweek where I give out my Muchacho Awards. Yes, I’m really takingthis “Blog More” resolution seriously.)

Bad People

2012-01-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

Jack LaLanne is the only adult who could pull off the onesie. And perhaps because he'd kick all of our asses if we said otherwise.

I was working late one night (which is typical, since I workthe overnight shift), and a commercial came on TV for something called “TheForever Lazy”.

The “Forever Lazy” is one of the all-time dumbest products of all time. Ibelieve it's by the makers of the “Snuggie”, a product I originally openlymocked, but have come to love. The Snuggie is basically a blanket with sleeves,and at first I accused it of being some horrible product for lazy people, andsaid that nobody'd ever use them. I readily admit that I was wrong. The Snuggieis fucking awesome. It's warm, it's comfortable, and I can stay warm and drinkmy drink.

The Forever Lazy, on the other hand, ishorrible and embarrassing, and I stand by my opinion that it'll never catch on.

It's a an adult onesie.

That's right. It's baby pajamas (feeties included) made for adult people.Making it worse are 3 factors:

1) There is a hatch. For pooping.Unless you are in the fucking Alaskan wilderness, with hypothermia nipping atyour nethers, you DO NOT need a hatch in your one-piece pajamas. When you'resitting in your home, with a restroom mere steps away, there should be nocircumstance where you don't have enough time to unbutton and remove yourridiculous adult onesie. Maybe… MAYBE if you’re in the asylum and are afraid.Of what? I don’t know.

2) They have dropped all pretense and are completely owning the fact that it'sfor the laziest people on Earth, calling it THE FOREVER LAZY. Not The LazySunday. Not “Sometimes Lazy. It's the fucking FOREVER Lazy. So sad.

3) They make total fools of themselves by showing morons wearing their productout in public. I'm sorry... I can accept that people will occasionally give upat home; in private. I cannot accept that anyone other than the absolutebiggest social morons, or possibly the occasional unfunny, ironically dressedhipster would ever stoop to wearing the thing out in public. They pretend thata person would ever, EVER wear that shit at a TAILGATE. Are they joking?

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about the Forever Lazy. This isall just preface.

So, I'm sitting there at work, pondering the silly onesie thing, andthinking... Is this the most embarrassing product ever created?

Is this the one product the makers should be most ashamed of presenting to thepublic?

For a while, I was certain that it was.

Then, as I drove home this evening, I heard a radio commercial that guaranteedsomething else the title of “Worst Thing Ever Sold”.

AshleyMadison.com

I'm already dreading writing about this, and having foolafter repugnant fool end up at my blog after Googling “Ashley Madison”.

I don’t really know of a colorful way to describe this shit, so I’ll just tellyou.

AshleyMadison.com is a dating website, sort of like Match.com, but designedspecifically to help people cheat on their spouses.

I’m not kidding.

This is not one of those fake products on Saturday Night Live like Baby Spanx.

They’re also not hiding it in any way… You could argue that Match.com is loadedwith people with bad intentions. Match doesn’t exactly discourage that kind ofbehavior. I mean… that’s why some of the more expensive dating sites do backgroundchecks to verify people are single. The difference is, though… Match or OKCupidor whatever else… they may not stop married people from joining, but they aren’tactively inviting it.

It’d be like the US Government passing out heroin instead ofwelfare. Sure, they may accept that a small portion of the people gettingwelfare use it to buy drugs, but they aren’t openly endorsing the drug use.

Can you imagine coming up with this nonsense?

How repulsive of a human being does one have to be in order to not onlyjokingly invent that concept while getting drunk with their friends watchingMMA, but to then go so far as implementing the product? That’s a rhetoricalquestion. The only possible answer is “Pretty fucking repulsive”.

For some reason, the existence of this product makes mesadder and more scared for the human race than just about anything else. Thereare a lot of details of it that I don’t know, because I wouldn’t even comeclose to daring to visit the website, even just to investigate (and restassured, I’m dumb enough to click just about anything… (See: Two Girls One Cup,and any e-mail touting the “Worst Thing You’ll Ever See”.) I click all mannerof nonsense out of morbid curiosity… So, maybe because of my ignorance of theins and outs (no pun intended…probably) of the product, I have some thoughts –slash-questions.

1) Who is this Ashley Madison person that the site is named after? Is she thebiggest skank in the history of the world simply because she’s the inspirationfor “the cheating site”? My god… What if she’s the name of the wife of thefounder? How terrible is that?

2) I only know it exists at all because I’ve heard the adson the radio. How hard-up for money does a radio station have to be in order toallow this horrible company to advertise on your radio show?

3) I am vaguely aware of a story about how they offered topay 10 million dollars to the city of Phoenix to rename their airport.Thankfully, the city declined.

4) The slogan on the most recent commercial was “Show me abeautiful woman, and I'll show you a man who's tired of being married to her.”I’m not making that up.

I’m fairly certain that this is the worst thing ever. I don’t understand how itcan even exist. Look… I’m not naïve. I’m fully aware that people cheat, and I’malso aware that there is often more to the story. Nothing is totally a blackand white issue.

Still… I think there’s a big difference between acknowledging that cheating issomething that happens, and being all.. “God damn… I’m bored tonight. You knowwhat would be an awesome? Cheating on my spouse. I wish there was a websiteservice to facilitate this illicit transaction. What?! There is?!!”

Whatever happened to staying late at the office in the city, and hooking upwith the bohemian heroin addict who then takes you to a poetry reading? If it’sgood enough for Don Draper, it’s good enough for all the other dirtbags.

Maybe that’s what offends me the most (probably not )… Doesn’t this just strikeyou as being fucking lazy? Like… If I’m going to do something bad, no matterwhat it is, I don’t want to cheapen the bad act by making it super convenientonline. There should be some sort of effort involved.

Yeah… that’s definitely not what offends me most.

NBC refused to let them advertise during the Super Bowl, which prompted thepresident of the company to call NBC hypocrites for disallowing the adulteryads, but allowing ads for beer. (since beer kills people). Maybe I’m beingobtuse (I was just recently told I was being obtuse about something, and itmade me feel like the warden in Shawshank)… Anyway, maybe I’m being obtuse, butdon’t cuckolded spouses kill people too.

[ PS: People who found their way here by Googling “AshleyMadison.com”. Go away,please. But thank you for reading!]

I’m getting annoyed, so I’m gonna change the subject withsome miscellaneous updates…

Resolution Updates:
- The first blog of the new year went up last Monday, and here’s the 2^nd.So far, I’m right on schedule, even if I’m not exactly re-inventing the wheel.I’m hoping to finish my Movies of 2011 Blog for next week. I likely will haveseen all of the 2011 Releases that I plan on seeing by then.

- The woodworking is slow-going. I’ve spent the weekpracticing dovetail joints and looking through books and magazines trying tofind a suitably interesting, but not too intimidating project for February. I’mleaning toward a Zig-Zag chair. In any case, making a dovetail joint is aboutas hard as you’d imagine, and it doesn’t make me feel better when I watchYouTube videos of experts making flawless dovetail joints in three and a halfminutes. It’s quite infuriating, actually. So far I’ve broken my coping saw,and failed to make a single truly straight dovetail, but I AM improving… (andshopping for a new saw..). Tomorrow, I’m going to try using the dremel to seeif I can make that horizontal cut a little cleaner with that. In any case, Ifully expect to be ready to roll on real furniture/ projects by the start ofFebruary, which would put me squarely on schedule.

- I’m now operating at about 95% vegetarian, and (aside fromthe 1 steak dinner, and occasional non-fried seafood, I should be 100% by theend of the week. The meat products in the house are just about gone, and thatwas my last hold-out excuse. I have decided to forego the remaining bologna andjust suffer the waste. In the meantime,The TM and I have found a new restaurant called “Zoup!” which is basically aPanera type place, but instead of 40 sandwiches and 4 soups, they have 4sandwiches and 40 soups. (exaggerations abound). It’s awesome, and when we wentthere were at least 6 vegetarian soup options, 2 sandwiches, and severalsalads. She also has been perfecting her vegetarian enchiladas. Effingdelicious.

- Household Chores? As of writing this portion of the blog(Friday night), none so far, unless you count meeting with the contractor. I’d like to carve out the 45 minutes it’sgonna take me to bust up the old box-spring. I’m debating keeping the wood forburning. Sadly the trash people won’t take it in whole form, because they areafraid of bedbugs. I can’t say as I blame them. So, I’ll take to that bitchlike Tom Robinson took to bustin’ up that chiffarobe…. Poor Mayella and herforbidden love… Sigh.

- Workout. No progress yet. I’ve spent a fair amount of timeonline shopping for a good rowing machine, but unless I come into someunexpected money, it’s looking like I’ll need to find an alternate for the nearfuture. In any case, the Tofu Muchacha has, in her wisdom, suggested phasing inmy resolutions gradually. I’d like to be up and running (so to speak) with allof them by the end of February, but I’m not gonna feel bad about myself for notdoing getting all of them started until then.

Nobody Knows.

2012-01-02T23:59:00.000-05:00

A Browns fan's reaction to knowing they could have had Champ Bailey instead of Tim Couch.

The NFL is chock full of morons.

Idon't mean the players. In fact, I've said before that I'm fairlycertain that NFL players are at the worst the 2^nd smartestathletes of the big four sports.

No no... I'm talking about the fools incharge.

See, there's this thing that's beenbothering me about the NFL for a while now. This philosophy fordrafting that seems to be pervading the collective consciousness ofevery dumbass football executive and has been for the past 13 years.It goes like this:

If there's a top-line quarterbackavailable, you HAVE to take him.

You know what I think? Totalbullshit.

The reason I'm thinking about thistoday is because I'm really fucking tired of hearing about AndrewLuck.

“Will the Colts take Luck?”
“Should theytrade Manning to make room?”
“If the Rams get the first pick,should they dumb Sam Bradford?”
“Should a team trade theirwhole draft to get him?”

It's so fucking tiring. And youknow what? The answer to all of those questions is emphatically NO.

NO the Colts shouldn't take Luck or trade Manning to makeroom. No the Rams shouldn't dump Bradford for him. No, a teamshouldn't trade their whole draft. That would be dumb.

Thisnotion of taking a quarterback at all costs is relatively new, and itspawned from a draft that proves how dumb the whole thingis.

Remember back in 1998 when the great Peyton Manningentered the draft, and the whole world was going nuts about him justlike they are now about Andrew Luck? You do? Because I don't. Iremember there being big long debates about whether Manning was eventhe best quarterback. There was a guy named Ryan Leaf who was alsoconsidered number one material, and there were plenty of “experts”who thought the Colts made the wrong choice.

Ryan Leaf was taken 2^nd bythe Chargers, and he was out of the league after 2001. That's 4seasons.

So yeah... the Colts guessed right, but nobody wouldhave faulted them for taking Leaf, and then the Chargers would havehad the Hall of Famer. My point is... despite what everyone says,nobody knows.

So anyway, after Manning turned out tobe awesome, or whatever, there has been a legitimate run on # 1quarterbacks, and despite the overwhelming evidence that they miss asoften as they hit, the fad doesn't seem to be slowing down.

Let's break it down...

In the 13years prior to 1998 (The same number of drafts we've had since) therewere 4 quarterbacks taken number one.
Those were:
VinnieTestaverde, Troy Aikman, Jeff George, and Drew Bledsoe.

Youhave 1 true great (Aikman... I could even argue that he was a productof overwhelming offensive line power, much like his cohort EmmittSmith), 2 contributors who failed to live up to their full potential(Testaverde and Bledsoe) and a bust (George). So... I'll say we're at25% True Success, and another 50% with guys who had good (sometimesgreat) individual seasons, but ultimately underachieved, and 25%busts. The Legends and the Busts are tied.

In the years after Manning's draft,there were 10 Quarterbacks taken #1. Out of 13.

Tim Couch, Michael Vick, DavidCarr, Carson Palmer, Eli Manning, Alex Smith, Jamarcus Russell,Matthew Stafford, Sam Bradford, and Cam Newton.

Of thoseguys? ONE Super Bowl appearance.

Let's call Couch, Carr, andRussell legit busts.

Let's call Palmer, Vick, and Smith“Disappointments”

Stafford is currently in my“Bledsoe/Testaverde” group. More about the nunbers at thispoint... I don't think it'll be a surprise for him to surpass them,though..

Manning is, in my estimation somewhere betweenBledsoe/Testaverde and Aikman. He might even be an over-achiever insome way.

So let's give them Manning and Stafford. We're at20% unquestionable success. That seems like a really poor rate forsomething you “just have to do” (according to McShay and Kiperand all those other experts who don't have a fucking clue.

Who are the three best quarterbacksin the NFL this year?

Tom Brady was a 6^th roundpick. I don't think we need to discuss Brady much. He's possibly thegreatest quarterback ever. He's got 3 Rings and 2 MVPs and he isfamously the 199^th pick in that draft. What quarterbackswere selected ahead of him? Chad Pennington (the only first round QBthat year), Giovanni Carmazzi (who?), Chris Redman (again.. who?),Tee Martin (won a National Title at Tennesse when precious PeytonManning couldn't... ha fucking ha), Spergon Wynn, and Marc Bulger (apro-bowler who went... 168). Did anyone have a clue in 2000?Nope.

Drew Brees was a 2^nd rounder and everyonekept comparing him to Doug Flutie simply because he's shorter than is“desirable”. Shit... he even backed up Flutie in San Diego beforehe finally broke though. That's a joke. Did anyone think that DrewBrees would have a FAR better career than Michael Vick? Nope. (Exceptfor me).

At least with Aaron Rodgers there was adebate between him and Alex Smith. Only this time, Ryan Leaf wastaken first, and the Niners had to wait another 6 years to competeagain.

Taking a quarterback first and missing will absolutelycripple a team.

I'm not going to keep ramblingon... I just wish that teams would really take a minute to evaluatetheir picks, and not just take the quarterback first. It's not a surething, no matter how “sure” all of those ridiculous expertsare.

Nobody knows. Andrew Luck could throw for 40 touchdownsnext year. He could throw for 25 inteceptions. Neither would shockme. Nobody fucking knows.

My favorite #1 pick of the past tenyears?

Mario Williams.

The Texans were absolutelyhammered for taking Mario Williams over “no doubters Reggie Bush,Vince Young, and Matt Leinart, but they took their hammering and havea game changing Defensive End who has made 3 pro-bowls. Greatdecision.

By the way... the best QB in thatdraft? Jay Cutler. The THIRD quarterback taken.

That New Year's Thing

2011-12-31T20:00:00.000-05:00

There are different schools of thoughton the New Years’ Resolution thing.

There are those who think New Years’Resolutions are bullshit. In a kneejerk situation, I’d say that Ifall into that camp, but it’s not true.

There are those wholike the idea of resolutions, make them, and then immediately fail tocomplete them. This… sadly… is more like me. I have a lot ofambitions come January 1^st, but my resolve isn’t asstrong as the resolution. (My favorite was my resolution to forcemyself to run a marathon BECAUSE I hated running. Good one,Muchacho!)

There are those who make the resolutions and evenkeep them. These are the Tofu Muchacha’s of the world. The peoplewith staggering discipline and resolve. I admire them.

Amongthe people who make resolutions, there are sub sets. Do you tellpeople, or do you not? Does telling people make it more likely tocomplete the resolution, or just more likely you’ll feel dumb formaking them and failing?

I guess we’ll find out together,because here are my five resolutions… for all the world (or my 3loyal readers) to see.

The TM and I have both made 5resolutions for 2012. I won’t spoil hers for you, but here aremine… In no particular order.

Resolution#1:
Post a new blog every Monday.

There was a time, a couple of yearsago, where I was blogging regularly 10-20 times a month. That waswhen I didn’t have a girlfriend, and had a regular job where Icould blog at work…. Er… I mean… think about my blog so that Iknew what I’d write after-hours. Nowadays, if I blog 3 times in amonth, that’s a lot. I’d like to think that the quality of theblogs I do post are better, overall, but I’m not even sure that’strue.

In any case, I really like to blog. I like writing, andI think that the “blog” is a totally unsung medium for creativewriting. It’s a very raw venue to write, and I like that sort ofunpolished quality about it. Even the better pieces of mine weren’tmeditated over for weeks, but rather hours. I like that sort ofimmediacy.

Anyway, I don’t have specifics forcontent, but I’d like for them to be enjoyable for everyone, soI’ll try to mix it up, and post different stuff, and mostimportantly focus on the writing itself, because I have to believethere’s a unique voice in there somewhere.

Resolution #2

Build 11 pieces offurniture.

That may sound like a very specificand incongruous number of furniture pieces, but my thinking on it isthat I’m not QUITE ready to start by January. You see… I juststarted becoming very interested in woodworking, and furnituremaking. The artistry of it appeals to me. The tactility of it. I lovethe smell of wood, the feel of the grain. It’s just a veryappealing outlet for me. So far, I’ve made a table. It’s cool,but it’s not the kind of woodwork that I’m really talking about.I’m looking to learn how to traditional joinery (dovetails, dowels,etc…) and to do it by hand. I want the pieces to be useful, butalso attractive.

Thanks to the generosity of mypeeps over the holiday season, I’ve managed to amass pretty muchall of the power tools and equipment I need to put together a solidwoodworking shop.

The goal is to spend the month of Januarypracticing some of the basic skills needed (joints, angles, routing)to hit the ground running for February. I’m extremely excited aboutthis one.

Resolution # 3

Do one “homeimprovement” task per week.

I’m notlooking to cop-out here by changing a light-bulb and calling it aweek. I’d like to get the yard into shape. I’d like to re-do thelight fixtures in the front of the house. I’ve got stair sanding,garage cleaning, house spraying. All kinds of things to do. I’ll bepartly relying on the TM to give me tasks, but I don’t see why Ican’t keep busy. I’m always looking to add to my personalskill-set, and I think this could also contribute to that.

Not very exciting, I know, but thosegutters ain’t gonna clean themselves, and maybe I’ll be able toblog about how I fell off the roof, or was attacked by birds orsomething. Filthy fucking birds.

Resolution # 4

Become a vegetarian*for a full year.

I told my buddy Alan about this onelast week, and when he asked me why, I honestly told him “I don’tknow”.

I’m still not totally sure. It’snot a health thing, I think. I find myself generally bored byvegetarian fare (with the exception of what the TM tends to make),and I’m interested in expanding my cultural and epicurean horizonsby exploring foods and recipes that can make being a vegetarianaccessible.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE meat. Bacon isdelicious. Pretty much any style of chili is great. I love it. But,meat doesn’t really agree with me all that well, and I can’t gothrough life eating things that make me feel sick just because Ithink they’re fucking delicious. That’s not a sane thing to do.I’m led to believe that being a vegetarian can be just assatisfying, and from a personal perspective, I find myself feelingmuch less like throwing up after a salad than a steak. So… I guessI figure, might as well give it a shot.

There are someadditional features of this vegetarian thing… that really make itnot entirely vegetarian.

1) I’m taking my mom to asteakhouse, and while I’m not sure I WILL get steak, I am reservingthe right to do so without feeling guilty that I’m breaking theVegetarian Code. I know I am, and I’m planning it ahead of time.From the start.

2) I am allowed one seafood item per week. Itcan be any sort of animal of the sea (other than lion or otter). Theonly qualifier is that it can’t be fried. Sushi? Yes. TraditionalFish and Chips? No. (additional note: this isn’t a fried foodthing. If I want a French fry, I’m allowed). The reason for the “Nofried fish” thing is that if I’m going outside of the vegetarianthing, I’m not going to undercut the potential protein and nutrientinfusion by muddying those waters with fried batter. Just feelsweird.

3) I am not cutting out eggs, cheese,or any other dairy. I’m also allowed to eat soups that utilizechicken or beef stocks. Again… I’m not against meat consumption.I’m just getting it out there from the beginning.

Resolution # 5
Getinto good enough shape and condition to run the Turkey Day 10K run onThanksgiving.

This is coming from the guy who plannedto run a marathon, while openly hating running. I still hate running.But the truth of the matter is… I want to challenge myself. Ialways like exercise when I have time to do it, and having a specificgoal will be helpful.

To this end, I am getting a personaltrainer to help whip me into shape, and provide me with a trainingplan. My ideal would be to work away from the running track/road foras long as possible. Strengthening my core, and my knees, enough sothat once I start working on the running (hopefully mid Summer?) thatmy knees and back can handle the pounding of the pavement. I’ve gotpretty shitty knees. They’ve been bad for a while, and I even wentto an orthopedist a couple of years ago who said that they’re badenough that I could elect to have surgery on them to scope them out.For me, it’s a matter of how much pain I am willing to accept, andstrengthening first is the best way to minimize the pain. My backhasn’t been right since I fell off that horse back at Blue Jacketin the Summer of 2001.

Anyway, this isn’t a weight-lossgoal, so I won’t be reporting on my weight or whatever. This is aconditioning goal.

So there they are… I invite any of you tocheck in with me as I go, though to help with resolution #1, I planto blog about a lot of these things. Expect photos of my furnitureand my house projects when applicable. Expect profanity laced rantsabout my trainer. Expect long, flowery stories about how much I missbacon.

Most of all, expect a shitload of bitching about allof it, because those who know me know that almost every unpleasantthing I voluntarily do is simply a way to have an excuse to complain.

I AM the Duke of Negativity, after all.

Let the resolving begin.

The Hunger Games:Let Them Have Stakes!

2011-12-21T07:30:00.000-05:00

(It’s been a while since I blogged, so cut me a break on the rambling if it’seven more pronounced than usual. )

Spoilers ahead.
I haven't been reading as much as I'd like. The Tofu Muchacha is the mostvoracious reader I have ever met, so my general lack of a "book inhand" is even more pronounced sometimes.

The thing is… I love to read. When I really get into a book,I plow through it, tackling every word, plot point, characterization. It reallymakes me completely useless for anything else until I’m done with it. Maybethat’s why I don’t read that often…

I become obsessive. I read spoilers and commentaries and reviews andspeculations. The month after I read Harry Potter 6, I spent more time onMugglenet than I did doing work. I read every single little essay andbreakdown. Who was ‘RAB’? Was Dumbledore really dead? All that stuff.

What I’m trying to say is that when I sink myself into a really good book, it’srarely just the book.

The Hunger Games trilogy has done this to me.

How did nobody tell me how awesome these books are?

The books are told from the perspective of a teen girl. Much like in Twilightor The Forest of Hands and Teeth (both discussed on this blog in the past, evenin relation to each other). The main characters in these books are similar, butnot the same. Bella Swan (Twilight) is this sort of gawky, completelyself-unaware moron who goes through life being oblivious to everyone around herfor no particular reason. Katniss Everdeen of the Hunger Games books is alsounaware of other people’s perception of her, for the most part, but as opposedto dumb-old Bella, she’s also capable, self-possessed, and independent. Infact, while Bella needs rescuing from… well… just about everything ever, Katniss is atotal, certifiable badass. She provides for her family, bravely volunteers toessentially sacrifice herself on behalf of her sister, and she more than holdsher own in not one, but two Hunger Games (not to mention the actual war zonesof the third book.). Despite her self-assessment that she’s selfish, sherepeatedly displays loyalty, morality, courage, and empathy. On the other hand,Bella’s full and complete motivation is some sickening, weirdo crush on Edwardthe Toothless, Shiny Vampire.

Like the other books, The Hunger Games also features a “lovetriangle”. Yes… it’s true. Apparentlythis is some sort of requirement for entry into the Young Adult genre, so justlike every “Young Adult” novel featuring a teen girl main character, there’snot just one guy vying for Katniss’ attention, but two. And just like every“Young Adult” novel, she’s at least somewhat oblivious to their attentionsuntil they’re literally licking her face and actively trying to die for her.And just like every “Young Adult” novel, a fair amount of internal monologuefrom the main character is devoted to her hashing out her feelings for hervarious suitors. The difference here isthat while in Twilight Bella’s love triangle poses no mystery whatsoever (shit…on the back of the first book, she talks about being “Irrevocably in love” withEdward), and Mary from The Forest of Hands and Teeth sort of realizes that herlove life is pretty inconsequential when the world is ending, I had a difficult time figuring out what wouldhappen with Katniss. And more importantly, there were many times over thecourse of the action where I was convinced she’d end up with neither of themand be happy with that, or that one of them would die, making her decision thatmuch easier. Nobody thinks Edward or Jacob will ever die. In fact, Jacob can’tdie, because he’s not a real character. He’s simply this sort of symbol of thelife Bella is leaving behind when she forces Edward to kill her in one of thegrossest scenes of devotion in any book ever.

Katniss has moments where she could go either way (orneither way), and even better is that the moments are earned in the text. Therereally aren’t any convenient misunderstandings. There aren’t dumb roadblocks.She simply has two perfectly good, though flawed, men whom she loves, and shehas a truly hard time deciding between them for legitimate reasons. Peeta isthe love for the future. Gale is the love for the now. Her world largely definesher choices. |

It makes sense that she’d pick Gale… He saved her family. He’s more like her.He’s got shared life experiences. He’s a survivor in the most traditionalsense, which makes him the perfect choice for a world where there’s no order.Where survival is necessary.

Then there’s Peeta. He saved her life numerous times. He sacrificed his leg,his sanity, everything to keep her safe. And ultimately, she ends up with him,not because of any of these things, but because he’s a beacon of light andpositivity that balances out her nightmares. He’s the perfect choice for aworld recovering from Chaos. It’s a decision that makes sense.

Suzanne Collins refused to create a choice withoutconsequence. She created stakes to her choice, and by keeping both men alive,and largely whole she refused to give Katniss an easy choice either way. It’seasily the most tolerable teen love triangle I can recall. (Not that I likedthe constant internal tug-o-war between the two. I could see and understand thedilemma from the start, and the perpetual back and forth was sort of beating adead horse really.

But really, it’s the consequence that makes the story good. You get the feelingthat if Katniss had chosen Gale, that Peeta would not have been okay. That hewould have faded somehow, like Haymitch. Gale is a little stronger, but hemakes it clear to Katniss that he can’t be there and watch her with Peeta. Sheknows she’ll lose one by chosing the other.

The Stakes Get Higher, or… you know… exist.

My biggest complaint about Twilight is that nothing happens,and when it does, it’ isn’t drastic or even.. like… “on screen” (so to speak). Nobodyof import is ever really harmed, and because it’s established early on that anydanger is by choice, there are no real stakes to anything they do. There aren’treally even any true antagonists. The wolves, sort of, but since Jacob is one,and they’d never really kill off any of them, they’re ultimately harmless. (Notto mention that the author sets up their whole mythology to be “protectors”).The Vulturi are certainly not nice, but that’s sort of like saying that thecops and judges in a judicial system are the judges. They may be dicks, butthey’re just enforcing the established rules. It’s so fucking boring. There arehundreds of pages of speculation and conversations about what MIGHT happen, andthen the climax is a 3 page sequence that ends in the bad guys just sort ofgoing away after being convinced Renesme isn’t the droid they’re looking for orsome shit.

It’s what makes The Forest of Hands and Teeth so good.Everyone can die. Most folks do die. The Zombies are a real danger. The peopleare forced into danger. It’s scary as hell. It’s a great series of books.

The stakes in The Hunger Games?

Everyone could fucking die. And for the most part, they do. Off the top of myhead, here’s a short list of the important, and beloved characters who bite itin The Hunger Games:

Prim
Finnick
Peeta’s parents
Boggs
Darius
Lavinia
Cinna
Rue
Thresh
Mags
Wiress
Madge
Cato
Foxface
President Snow
President Coin
and about a million others.

There are fire bombs, horrible mutant killing machines, deadly waves, deadlyearthquakes, beheadings, eviscerations, suicides, electrocutions, and dozens ofother ways to die, kill, or both.

Collins establishes in the first 5 pages that these people live in a scary,dangerous, unfair world, and she sticks to her guns the whole way through. Eventhe ending, while undeniably positive, isn’t without reservation. I think it’smy favorite thing about the books. The books end with Katniss being releasedfrom custody after assassinating the new president of Panem (after therevolution). She’s on the verge of insanity. She’s been attempting to killherself. She’s broken. Her mother isn’t by her side. Her sister is dead. Shehas no idea until later where Gale is. The world is broken. Even after she andPeeta finally sort of merge together for good, there’s a heavy heartedness toit. She ends the book wondering how she’ll explain The Hunger Games to herchildren, and how the world will be. It’s the ambiguity that draws me. After somany resolute moments throughout the book, I really loved how Katniss’ storyends on a positive, but certainly bittersweet note. She finds her true love forPeeta. They have children. They live in peace. Except in their memories thatstill haunt them. It’s really very sad, and very hopeful at the same time. That’snot an easy balance.

There’s an important theme in the 3^rd book. “Realor Not Real”, where Peeta, having been brainwashed, tries to make sense of thevery confusing feelings he has, as his deceptions and his true feelings mixedaround.

Really, all of the books play with this in an ever maturing way. I love how somuch of the books deal with perception and not necessarily reality. It’s not importantin the first book whether Peeta really loves Katniss, but it IS important tothe viewers. It’s not important in the second book if Katniss was really tryingto defy The Capitol with the berries, but President Snow knows that the peopleperceive it that way. The wedding doesn’t have to be real except to thosewatching it. In the final book, District 13 is viewed as a force for positivechange, so it doesn’t really matter if they’re just as manipulative andunscrupulous as those they’re overthrowing.

In the end, after all of the confusion, and tracker jacker inducedhallucinations, and lies, and amnesias, and everything else, the perceptionfinally dies away, and we’re left with the lovely ending where Katniss, finallyconfirms for Peeta the one important thing for him in the world.

“You love me. Real or not real?”

“Real”.

It’s really a beautiful way to end a surprisingly well written, and exceedinglyentertaining book series.

I have a friend who doesn’t finish books because she doesn’t want to let go ofthe characters or the world they live in. That’s how I felt about these books.

Read them. For real.

The Grey Days of Penn State; The Death of Honor

2011-11-10T02:15:00.002-05:00

If you asked me today to name the two men my grandfather revered more than any other, I may have been wrong, but I wouldn't have hesitated in answering. John Wooden and Joe Paterno.

I grew up rooting quietly for Penn State football as a sort of nod to the blood connection I have to central, small town Pennsylvania. My grandpa grew up in Wilkes Barre. My grandma in Mansfield. I remember so many Saturdays of my childhood sitting near my grandpa (Little Kings in hand), and hearing him talk in soft, awed tones about Joe Pa...

So it's in that context I've been following the horrible story at Penn State for the last few days with growing disgust and sadness.

There are certainly parts that are undeniable; beyond argument...

The abuse Jerry Sandusky subjected those boys to is terrible. It could be argued that it's the worst thing imaginable, and it is more than clear not enough was done to stop him from abusing others. Penn State Officials didn't do enough, and instead were worried about protecting the school's image.

Those three facts, to me, are black and white.
To me, though, maybe there's some grey as well.

Most people I've heard from would disagree. They'd say that the Mike McQueary should have physically stopped Sandusky mid-act when he witnessed it. They'd say that Joe Paterno, after being told of the incident by McQueary, didn't do enough by merely reporting the incident to Penn State officials, and should have followed up to make sure something was done.They'd say that Paterno failed as a human being and should never coach another game at Penn State. They'd say that he's forever tarnished his legacy.

I am not, in any way, saying that the way things were handled were even remotely adequate. With all the outrage, I'm sure that's a difficult thing to do, but I wonder what was going through McQueary's and Paterno's minds at the time.. I don't blame people for not trying to see their perspective. So many of the facts are irrefutably horrible, that it's easy to say "they are all I need to know".

I hope my readers will give me some leeway to try to play devil's advocate for a few. I have to believe that most people are fundamentally good. I refuse to give Sandusky that benefit of the doubt, but I'm going to look at McQueary and Paterno for a minute...

Mike McQueary is a guy who grew up in State College, PA. He knew Jerry Sandusky his whole life. He knew him as the father of his classmates, as a walking legend on the football team he dreamed of playing for, as a mentor while he finally played at that college, as the founder of a charity benefiting poor children.

Try to imagine knowing someone your whole life, and not just knowing them, but deifying them. This is, as Michael Weinreb so interestingly said, a man they worshipped in stand-up form. Is it at all plausible, even if not right or okay, that factoring all these things in, maybe it wasn't as easy to step in as we'd all hope it would be? That a person might freeze, even for a minute, when faced with seeing a thing they'd never expected to see. I've heard dozens of people on the radio saying that they unequivocally would have stepped in right at that moment, and ushered the child to safety. That's great for them, and hopefully true, but I have a hard time listening to what other people would do in someone else's experience. I'm sure that, in hindsight, that McQueary wishes he'd done more, too. I just think it's too easy to say that McQueary should have had the presence of mind in that moment to set aside every bit of history and act as everybody else deems that he should have.

To be clear... I think he should have too, but I don't know that I make him a villain for hesitating. Or even retreating. He reported the incident, which I agree is the dirty bare minimum, but I do think it's better to do the right thing eventually as opposed to not at all.

I, personally, have seen kids getting spanked or slapped in grocery stores and parking lots, felt like it was excessive, and I've done nothing. I've been upset with myself afterward for doing nothing. I've regretted doing nothing. But I still did nothing.

I was talking to my buddy Alan this evening and his lovely girlfriend, Lesli, and she brought up this time when she saw her nephew walk into a fire and everyone froze for a minute. She said she even looked away, just as a gut reaction. She then used a phrase I've used before on this blog, and I think it really applies here.

'Cognitive Dissonance' is a discomfort felt when you hold two conflicting ideas simultaneously. The fight in your brain between what you expect to see, and what you really do see. Could McQueary's hesitation in that moment be attributed to cognitive dissonance? Could he have, in that moment, frozen while he simultaneously saw a devastatingly horrible act perpetrated by a man who he looked up to as a father figure and a legend?

Okay... That's enough about Mike McQueary. I've provided more of an argument on his behalf than he rightly deserves. In the end, the argument against him is too strong. A child can't defend themselves. McQueary was a big, healthy 28 year old man who could have stopped it. End of story.

Okay... deep breath.

I think the great Joe Paterno has some explaining to do. Do I think he deserved to be fired? Probably, in that the public as a whole, at least outside of State College, would never have let it pass...

When I started this blog earlier today, 12 hours ago or so, I was going to try to ease off the throttle against Paterno. I was truly going to say that those who say Paterno failed as a human being and should never coach another game at Penn State, or that he's forever tarnished his legacy were not looking at the grey of the situation.

I was wrong. I was struggling with my own cognitive dissonance.

I have written 10 different excuses for Paterno tonight. I've deleted them all. I can't talk myself into any of them. There is no idolatry to fall back on. There is no reasonable excuse. I want, so badly, to preserve the honor of this man I've respected for literally my whole life. This man my grandfathered spoke of in reverent tones. I simply can't do it.

Joe Paterno sat in his seat of ultimate power, and he did the bare minimum under the law. For the life of me, I don't know why. Maybe it's because Jerry Sandusky was his lifelong friend. Maybe it's because he didn't want to believe such horrible things about someone he knew for so long. Maybe he truly did feel embarrassed that he was "fooled".

Fuck that.

Joe Paterno was God. There are many people who would call him the most famous and respected man in Pennsylvania. The men he reported the crimes to were his superiors in name only, and everybody knows that. Joe Paterno's subsequent inaction after his token report is, in my mind the second greatest sin of the whole sordid affair. Maybe it's my strong desire to give Joe Paterno a small window of absolution, but t I keep trying to come up with a reason he wasn't responsible, but I've failed. Joe Paterno failed those children. Joe Paterno failed every person who looked at him as a moral compass.

I started today hearing how Joe Paterno's legacy was tarnished forever, and I didn't want to believe it, but it's true. JoePa may be the greatest coach in any sport, ever, but he'll never again be the paragon of blue collar honor and virtue we all believed him to be.

I'm sad for the boys who were abused, and that the firing or legacy of a football coach is overshadowing their experience.

The death of the honor of Joe Paterno isn't the greatest tragedy of the Penn State story, but it is a tragedy.

Disney: A Recap (and some bitching, as always)

2011-10-25T01:02:00.004-04:00

Hey Everybody!

The TM and I returned from Disney a couple of weeks back and I think I've finally organized my thoughts enough to write coherently about the trip.

First a couple of general thoughts, and then my likes and dislikes.

Thought 1:
This may be surprising to my readers, but as great a time as I had this trip, I think I'm okay not going again for a couple of years. There are some things that occurred to me during the trip that make me feel like I've been going about it all wrong the last few visits, and maybe I burned myself out a bit.

The thing I need to remind myself is that I'm not a rookie. I'm not going for just a couple of days. I've seen everything several times. I know what I love, and what I can live without. And yet... I attack the visit like a rookie. Every time. I try to cram in everything. I try to plan every day and meal and whatever, and if I'm being honest with myself... I'm done with that.

I could go, literally, 20 more visits without riding Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, and a) I know it'll be there on visit 21, and b) I know that every turn and twist will be the same as it has been for ever one of my previous 15 visits. That's the beauty of Disney World. The classics (for the most part) aren't going anywhere. They so rarely close major attractions. I mean... they don't need to. They usually would just expand. It's not without exception, but you know... even if they were to get rid of Big Thunder? I would be bummed I didn't ride it one last time, but not devastated.

There are a few rides I would be devastated about... Pirates. Haunted Mansion. Kilimanjaro Safari. Soarin. They aren't going anywhere.

My point is... Skipping a ride due to a long line, or to preserve my sanity? That's gotta be something I embrace from now on. Time to take a deep breath. Time to plan less, enjoy more, and not stress about fitting it all in. (That's what she said)

Thought 2:
I can barely tolerate crowds anymore. Like... at all. We chose the 2nd slowest time of year, and it was still really crowded when compared to a shopping mall or whatever. I need to find every way possible to eliminate the crowds from my experience. How do I do that?
a) Bring rain gear - One of the best times we had was after a torrential rain. We had the whole World Showcase to our selves (you know... relatively). Of course two hours after the rain, the crowd was back to normal.
b) Avoid the bus system whenever possible. I hate the buses. They are crowded, and well... crowded. They make me stressed out for like.. 2 hours prior to getting on them. Thats no good. This pretty much leaves us with 2 different hotel choices in the future. The Yacht Club and The Boardwalk. Sadly, these are also much more expensive, so the frequency of visits will need to be adjusted. These two resorts have alternate access to two of the four parks. This appeals to me. They also tend to have generally less crowded buses. And, especially with the Boardwalk, they have interesting things to do when you're not at the park.

Okay, so....

Things I liked:

- The new restaurant in Mexico was the best meal I had the whole time. It was awesome. I'd heard some mixed things about it, but I loved what I got, and the setting is great. It's the new "place to eat and watch Illuminations". Really good stuff.

- The Fantasyland Expansion plans. Seriously, that shit is going to be awesome.

- Best Kilimanjaro Safari experience (annoying people notwithstanding) I've had in ages. It was all about the giraffes this time around, and I really enjoyed it.

- Fucking DOLE WHIP. I mean... I'd always heard about Dole Whip being this thing you got in Adventureland, and I never thought about it much past that. Well... We tried it this time, and my god. It's seriously the best shit ever. I can't believe I waited so long.

- The Wishes Fireworks. I'm not a fireworks guy, but damn.... those are some good fireworks indeed. Very impressive.

- Port Orleans French Quarter. It's probably my favorite of all of the hotels I've stayed in Disney, and even though my comments about the buses are sincere, they shouldn't reflect poorly on this place. It's really nice.

- Finding Nemo the Musical. I know I've talked about it before at least a little, but that's a damned good show for a theme park. Great music. Excellent acting. It's all of the things missing from the poor Great Movie Ride.

- Tower of Terror. I've never been shy about how little I like roller coasters (very little), and the reason for this being the terrifying drops and plummets and whatnot. Well... Let's call this the exception to the rule. We rode it twice in a row, and I seriously laughed like a kook both times. It's so much damned fun. They do this thing where each ride is a little different, because its' on some computer randomizer thing. It's less like falling than like being a giant yo-yo. I love it.

- STAR TOURS. I admit I've never been a great fan of Star Tours, despite the theming. That has all changed since they refurbished it. The changes were inspired. There were all these rumors about it being converted into a pod racing simulator, which sounded cool, but I was also wary of, because pod racing only showed up in the terrible first chapter. Well... There are over FIFTY possible stories (including pod racing), and the story is random. in fact, you'd have to ride it for 6 straight hours to experience all of the stories. How cool is that?! Also, it's 3D now, and incredibly smooth. Darth Vader threw our vehicle with THE FORCE. Awesome.

-Taking Fisheye and Wide Angle photos of my favorite Disney things. The lead photo is a fisheye lens photo of Spaceship Earth. From immediately beneath it. Amazing. Here's a good one of Magic Kingdom:

There were, of course, more things that I liked and have liked for years, but for the sake of brevity, I'm keeping it at these NEW developments.

Things I didn't like so much...

- Most of the rest of the food. It's not that it's bad, but god damn is it overpriced. I wasn't even paying for most of it outside of the dining plan, but they make the mistake of showing us the bills even when we are paying with plan. The Dining Plan is definitely reasonable, and I have no complaints. We ended up using almost all of our snacks during the Food and Wine Festival, whcih was fun, but still... overall the quality of the food wasn't equivalent to the price. Not even close. We're talking about movie-theater popcorn level overpriced. It's hard to remember sometimes that in the end, you're dealing with family restaurants that are glossed up for the location. The food is generally boring.

- Again... the crowds. If I had to choose one specific target? Strollers, Scooters, and Wheelchairs. I would never begrudge someone who really needed one of these things, but FAR too many people were using their strollers are glorified shopping carts. Far too many people were using their scooters as battering rams. Far too many people just loved to stop in the middle of an already crowded walkway and block everything up with their damned strollers and carts and whatever. That shit makes me crazy. I am 100% convinced that I identified several people who were using the wheelchairs as an excuse to get their whole party to the front of lines. I get that you want to bring your little kids. I would never say that's wrong. Just have some fucking respect for others, please. In general, I find people rude. How difficult is it to walk around a poor guy taking one photo. Or, you know... wait for a few seconds. Apparently impossible.

You know... Those are really the two main problems I had this time.

The Flash Photography craze I noted last time seems to have ebbed, thankfully.

Disney seems to be on the right track with their updates. Even the tired-ass Swiss Family Treehouse is being refurbished. The Fantasyland expansion will be great. I'm really looking forward to the James Cameron assisted new land in Animal Kingdom (I think I may have to write a whole blog about that).

There's a million great things to come at my beloved Disney World. I just have to remember that I don't need to do everything every time. I had an amazing time, and I can't wait to go back... Whenever that might be.

2011-10-02T17:28:00.010-04:00

Happy Birthday, Walt Disney World.

Yesterday marked the 40^th Anniversary of the opening of Walt Disney World in Florida. If you’ve ever visited my blog, you’ll know that this is a big deal to me, and that Disney World is my favorite place on Earth.

To honor this milestone I present you with…

The Top 5 Things Disney World Needs to Do to Keep Moving Forward

Get Back to Basics.

One of the things that has drawn so many people into the Disney Experience over the years is the company’s legendary, outstanding customer service. Heck, I even invoked the Disney Service name when I interviewed for my first job in private aviation, when I knew nothing about planes.

The thing is… that level of service has slipped just a little over the past 10 years or so.

There was a time that nobody came close, and now… well.. they’re still the best, but the margin has slimmed. It’s not unusual to see a cast member texting, or complaining about how long their shift is. I shouldn’t say it’s a common occurrence, but not long ago there was no chance of that happening. It’s not just the cast members running the rides or selling the merchandise… One of my favorite rides for years was The Great Movie Ride at what used to be MGM Studios. The best part of it was that there were actors on the ride, interacting with you… These days the actors suck ass. That’s just an example.

Don’t get me wrong. Disney is still the best at what they do, and we’re talking just tiny tweaks. And even moreso, there are still many, many cast members who wanted to work for Disney for the very reasons I’ve mentioned… It’s why I would like to work for them. The majority of the cast members are top notch, and they love what they do. I just want Disney to make it a point to get back to being so much better than every other theme park when it comes to the customer experience, that the “Wizarding World of Harry Potter” would shut the hell up.

Expand Animal Kingdom.

I’m probably one of the most unabashed supporters of Disney’s Animal Kingdom Park, but even I admit that it’s not a full day experience like Magic Kingdom or Epcot, and it doesn’t have the big giant draws that Studios has. (With the exception of Expedition Everest, which is awesome.) There’s just not a lot to do. If you don’t want to get absolutely soaked, you need to skip one of the biggest rides, in Kali River Rapids. If you’re bored with watching animals in their natural environment, you’ll skip the Kilimanjaro Safari. If you aren’t interested in taking the full hour or so needed to go to Rafiki’s Planet Watch, you’ll skip that. Basically there are only a couple of big draws in the park, and I’d venture to say that only one of those actually entices people to go to AK. This has got to change.

Fortunately (I think), the company just announced a big expansion to the park based on the film “Avatar”, which.. while I initially was very disappointed in, but once I thought it through more, and realized that it’s more likely to be based on the world of Pandora from the film (and the upcoming 2 more films that take place elsewhere in that world), the more excited I am. This opens up a whole world of possibilities, even potentially re-starting the “Beastly Kingdom” expansion that has long been discussed. See? Disney’s listening to me already.

Spruce Up The World Showcase

The World Showcase at Epcot is one of my favorite things about Disney, and it’s clearly the Tofu Muchacha’s favorite out of anything. There are so many cool shops and attractions, and the architecture and theming is really cool. One of the things that impressed me the most about Disney as a 13 year old first timer was how all of the countries were populated entirely by people from their respective countries (i.e. The Germany Pavilion is entirely staffed by Germans).

So, what do I mean by “spruce up”? Well…

There are 2 things that need to be done, definitely.

First, there’s spot way out there by Germany and China that is simply called “The Outpost”. This very clearly has to be developed into another country. Some countries that never got through the planning stages are Israel, Russia, Venezuela, and the UAE. My personal vote would be something like Brazil… Something completely different than all of the other countries. As it is right now, there’s just this semi-offensive area that vaguely represents a white bread African hut with generic misters and whatnot. It’s just lazy. Get a country in there. There hasn’t been a new one since The Norway Pavilion was opened in 1988.

Second, Disney needs to go systematically through each pavilion and determine if there’s anything that can be added or improved to the existing country pavilions. For example, while many of the counties have either movies (China, Canada, France, Norway) or exhibits (China, Japan) or Rides (Norway, Mexico) or… national embarrassments (USA), there are several that don’t really feature any sort of attraction to speak of (Britain, Italy, Germany, Morocco).

Let’s talk briefly about the aforementioned “National Embarrassment”. Currently the largest pavilion and the gaudiest show in the park, if not at Disney World is The American Pavilion, and the attached show “The American Adventure”. Yes, it’s impressive. Yes, it’s sort of vaguely emotional. Still…. I think it’s inexcusable. It’s like throwing your own birthday party and then giving yourself a better gift than anyone else gave you. We should all be embarrassed. We should all skip “The American Adventure”. I mean… I think it’s more than anything a redundancy. We’re LIVING The “American Adventure” every fucking day. It’s like a vanity plate on a Hummer. (Says the guy with the vanity plate).

Figure out The Studios.

When I first visited Disney World in 1993, my favorite park was Disney’s MGM Studios. It had this magical Disney feel that combined the romanticism of movies just around the time I was first developing a love for movies and movie making. There was all of this “old Hollywood” charm that I probably enjoyed more than any 13 year old straight kid ever did. Oh, and the rides were all fresh and fun and new. As in…everything was at the most, four years old.

Now? Not so much.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still many, many things I love about the place. I think the visuals of the place are absolutely incredible, even down to the fact that the original layout was a Hidden Mickey visible from space. They had Star Wars and Indiana Jones. They had the best shops in the whole of Walt Disney World (That’s actually probably still true.) It was really freaking awesome.

Sadly, as the emphasis of the part became more weighted toward the dual thrill rides of Rock’n’Roller Coaster and The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, the rest of the part went neglected for a little too long. The Great Movie Ride, once one of my favorite things about Disney World (in fact you will have seen it appear very high on my “Favorite Things” lists leading up to two past Disney vacations) has not been updated for like… ever. The acting is bad. The movies featured aren’t that recent, or even that relatable at this point. There’s really not a lot of things to “do”, but rather a crapload of things to “see”. This is problematic, because it makes it difficult to navigate the whole park in a day. You can certainly experience the 5 (that’s right, only 5) rides and attractions:

The Great Movie Ride
Tower of Terror
Rock-n-Roller Coaster
Star Tours
Toy Story Mania

If you go in looking to only do those 5 things, and you get there early on an light day, you’re done by noon. The problem is… there are something like 19 shows. There’s no way you can ever see 19 shows in one day. Maybe not even two. There’s just so much waiting in lines, and then waiting in audiences. It’s just become this sort of boring park.

Wow… that was a lot of background for my point… sorry..

They’ve made strides, certainly. Star Tours has been re-done to with a new theme and new movie. Pixar has taken up residence, which is kind of awesome. The American Idol experience is a fun diversion (especially if you make it onto the “show”), though I can’t imagine much more shelf-life of it, especially after Idol finally takes it’s final bow. I believe there’s been talk of updating the Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular (woefully outdated still featuring Raiders of the Lost Ark, which is the same thing it was when I was 13), to be a Pirates of the Caribbean Stunt Show. That would be awesome.

Seriously, though… come on, guys….update the Great Movie Ride. Add more rides to the Pixar area. Where’s that Monster’s Inc roller coaster? Maybe something new with the Muppets?

It’s getting almost to the point where the visit to The Studios is perfunctory, and not anticipated with the glee it once was.

Think “Long Term Legacy”.

Listen… I am a capitalist. I have never been offended by a company (whose goal is to make money) trying to make money. I believe that there’s no inherent higher call to be charitable or anything like that.

But what I don’t like, specifically with Walt Disney World, is when the company chooses to capitalize on short term, fad type things, and focus less on the long term things that will last a long time and will create that nostalgic feel that keeps people coming back year after year and generation after generation. This, again, is what separates Disney from their “competitors”. Disney creates stand-alone iconic rides like “It’s a Small World” and “The Haunted Mansion” and “Pirates of the Caribbean”. Rides that spawned films. The competition creates rides based on popular movies. The problem with that, is that those movies fade most of the time, and then you have this dated ride. Think “Twister” at Universal. That was a cool attraction, but I guarantee that most of the teens at Universal have never seen the movie.

My preference is to see less advantage taken of the “Princess” fad. Or the “Pirates” fad. I understand that the company wants to make the money when the money is there to be made, but I wish they’d sometimes do a little better to integrate theming and more lasting motifs into their money makers. I can think of two examples of where this sort of “brand marketing” failed, and crowds either complained long enough to change things, or that time is coming soon..

The Enchanted Tiki Room is one of the legendary attractions at Disney World. Walt himself famously talked to a mechanical parrot, teasing the attraction. About 15 years ago, they decided that the classic version of the ride wasn’t cutting it anymore, so they added the currently popular Iago from Aladdin and Zazu from The Lion King. Not to say that those weren’t both great movies. They are. Still… the show never had the same timeless resonance that it once did, so while the interest was briefly increased, ultimately it petered out.

The other example is the once great “Alien Encounter”. Now… I understand why they got rid of that attraction. Ultimately the Magic Kingdom is a park for kids more than anything, and that was a damned scary attraction. But it also was awesome. And unique. And not tied to anything in particular, so had it been in a different environment, it could have lasted as long as they wanted. So they replaced it, almost entirely with a watered down version featuring Stitch. I LOVE Stitch, but this is one of the dumbest things in the whole park. People hate it. Everyone hates it.

Damn, I’m rambling today.

So I guess my final point for this is that Disney knows how to make money. They know they can make money by constantly changing their target and going after whatever is the most popular thing at any given moment in time. They could also choose to seek out the possibly harder to find, but ultimately more valuable timeless classic. I just wish they’d quit so blatantly going after the first, and start going after the second again.

I know I sound like I’m complaining here. I mean… I feel that way. You have to know, though, that I struggled coming up with these 5 things. There are so many amazing things that I always talk about, I sometimes feel like it’s okay to talk about the ways they can still improve. Walt Disney himself famously said “Keep Moving Forward”.

Disney does it the best. They’ve got the best idea people, the best artists, the best everything, and that’s why I go back as often as the TM will allow me. All of the things I suggest are small in proportion to the magic the place makes every day.

Happy Birthday, Disney World. My favorite place.

Ramblings of the Night Shift

2011-09-23T14:50:00.002-04:00

Friends! I have returned.

I apologize for the long absence, but I’ve recently changed companies, and I’ve spent the past month training and preparing to be a full time “Third Shifter”.

You all may think I’m a little crazy, but it’s definitely a change for the better. I loved my old company in a lot of ways, but the time commitment was getting to be too much, and too much of a strain. This may be an overnight shift, but the time outside of work is so much less that I just had to take the opportunity.

Not to worry, though… You, my wonderful readers, have been in my thoughts. Now that I’m all adjusted and whatnot, I’ve thought of a new feature for the ol’ blog. I call it “Ramblings of the Night Shift”.

These will be my mostly unedited, free flowing thoughts that I have as I experience the permanent jet lag of working from 10pm to 8am for days at a time each week. Don’t expect the longer form type stuff I generally write, though those will hopefully come around as well. These will be shorter and probably incongruous. So… ENJOY!

Ramblings 1

What kind of moron does Jerome Simpson have to be? The guy FINALLY gets his chance to be a starter, and potentially a big-time producer for an NFL team. The guy has got to be making 500K a year if he’s making a fucking dollar, and he’s moonlighting as a fucking pot donkey. The guy had SIX POUNDS of pot in his condo. The Bengals have drafted some real idiots in the past, but if these things turn out to be true, he’s definitely the dumbest one. That’s right up there with Donald Little torturing his roommate with a hot coat hangar, or Art Long punching a horse… I’m troubled that the only really dumb crimes I can come up with were perpetrated by UC Basketball players…

I’m starting to worry about how I’m going to use the bathroom. Not like… in general, but at work. I’m the only person here, and part of my performance is charted by how many phone calls I miss during a shift. The phone isn’t going to ring off the hook or anything, but that makes missing a call even worse. I’m not totally sure I can go 10 hours while also eating my scheduled small and nutritious snacks (as advised by the TM) and my scheduled lunch. Plus I have to stay hydrated. I’m actually starting to have a little mini panic about it. I like going to the bathroom. I don’t like holding it.

The Charlie Sheen Roast is playing behind me in another department. Charlie Sheen is a total lunatic. Not in the funny way. I am glad the fervor faded at least a little since the total blow-up over the winter. What a mess that was. Anyway, I’m getting distracted… I don’t understand why the roasters always pick on each other more than they pick on the roastee. It seems kinda dumb. There was a pretty funny guy named Anthony Jeselnik. Nobody knows who the hell he is, but he was fucking hilarious. I will be looking up more of him. (Apparently he was named one of the top up and coming comics of 2009… like anyone keeps track of that bullshit).

I'm So Vain: A Poll

2011-08-20T23:09:00.006-04:00

Hey folks-

I got a new car, and I am getting vanity plates. I know... I know... Shhhhhhh

So, I'm putting it to you, my readers, to vote on the final decision:

I have to order them soon, so the results will be final as of the end of the business day on Friday.

Thanks in advance for voting!

The NCAA is Dumb

2011-08-17T16:15:00.005-04:00

I love this picture for so many reasons, but primarily because he's a Cardinals fan.

I know most people who read my blog don't care about sports. So... my apologies. I guess just check back in another two weeks and see if I've been irritated by something else.

Of course, soon enough, I'll be blogging more about my very fast approaching Disney trip, so you have that other thing nobody cares about to look forward to.

As I was driving home last evening from a rousing viewing of Rise of the Planet of the Apes, (a very bizarre movie about Computers and Wizards), I heard that the University of Miami (Florida) (Only people from Ohio feel the need to clarify) has been linked to "thousands" of NCAA Rules Violations stemming from their football players getting illegal benefits from some dude, who also happens to be in jail for being a part of a near-billion dollar ponzi scheme.

There's all this talk about how this will affect the College Football Landscape and what will be done to punish The U and whatnot, and the ridiculously drastic phrase "Death Penalty" was being bandied about like they're actually talking about something that matters. Las Vegas sports books have taken the first game of the season against "off the board" making it un-bettable.

What a bunch of mother fucking drama queens.

Here's what I don't get... Why in the world does it matter? Is it to impose some sort of relevance on the NCAA, a notoriously ridiculous and pointless organization? An organization whose sole purpose at this point is to hold hostage the keys to the imaginary chastity belts of any given players' standing as a "student athlete". Student athlete...a term so laughably antiquated that the NCAA itself seems to have difficulty defining it.

And what a bunch of mother fucking hypocrites.

According to the rules, a "student athlete" can't receive any sort of compensation or benefit that would entice them to come to a school, or once at the school, can't receive any sort of benefit beyond the benefits they receive as a scholarshipped athlete. This includes being provided hookers, cars, cash, tattoos in exchange for memorabilia, or really anything that can be construed as a benefit bestowed on them because of their status. There are even limits to the amount of money a "student athlete" can earn while working a non-sports related part time job.

This is dumb. Oh... and completely un-enforceable.

The popular radio duo on ESPN Radio, Mike and Mike, argued about the issue this morning. Mike Greenberg believes that regulating the payout of illegal benefits is completely impossible, as has been proven true by years of failure. His solution is to eliminate the rules against it. Mike Golic (a former Notre Dame and NFL player) believes that the rules are necessary, and likens it to the rules against performance enhancing drugs. Greenberg stated over and over again that these aren't the same, and while he had a difficult time correctly articulating why, I don't have that same problem.

The differences are simple:
1) You can't TEST for illegal money or abortions or boats or whatever. It's all sort of grey area. Well... not all of it, but short of having something in writing that says "I gave Cam Newton $X.XX dollars to play football at Auburn University", every circumstance is littered with grey. On the other hand, there are several ways to conclusively test for performance enhancing drugs. Nothing grey about that, aside from every single one of them claiming they thought they were taking B-12.

2) The money, or the sex parties, or the mall trips, or the tattoos don't affect the athlete's performance on the field, whereas the drugs, in fact, do. They're actually called "Performance Enhancing Drugs". This, to me, is the only distinction worth mentioning, even. Reggie Bush would have been the best football player on the field at USC had he received a beach house or not. Would Tony Mandarich have been the best college football player way back in 1991 if he hadn't loaded himself with more drugs than Pablo Escobar's entertainment hutch? The answer is muddier.

The NCAA spends thousands of man hours investigating how much Tyrelle Pryor benefitted from trading his bowl rings for tattoos (as if that bullshit made any difference to anything that happens EITHER in the classroom or on the field.

Somehow this is what the NCAA has become. This sort of fascist accountant.

So what do I think should be done?

1) Keep the drugs illegal. As I said, they're testable, and have been proven to enhance performance.

2) Make the NCAA focus on academic issues. Cheating on exams, not taking exams, not taking enough credits, having other students write papers.... All of the things that could potentially make an athlete ACADEMICALLY ineligible. These are legitimate issues and things that need to be handled by the NCAA (and the colleges themselves).

3) Let the kids take whatever money, handies, boats, cars, houses they are offered, and by whomever offers it. We live in a free market society. Let the kids operate as capitalists, and treat themselves as industries.

Whoa Muchacho... won't the rich get richer?

I don't think so. I mean... I have no proof of this, since I'm writing this whole blog from the hip, but here's what I think...

First, most of the colleges out there are "dirty" by today's standards to one degree or another, so the actual difference may not be as big as one might assume.

Second, there are still the academic requirements that have to be considered. Duke and Notre Dame still can't accept certain students simply because they can't get into the schools.

Third, there are still scholarship and roster limits. John Calipari could officially offer each of the 20 McDonalds All-Americans money to come to UK (as if he doesn't already), and that doesn't mean that they would all come, NOR SHOULD THEY. You go to a high-profile school to get playing time, and TV time, and get to "the league". A dude can't get to the league sitting on the bench, and if the team is stacked from top to bottom with stars, everyone gets slighted.

I actually believe the schools will monitor themselves a bit. You need role players. You need character guys. You need the unselfish point guards. Just because they CAN offer money to everyone, doesn't mean they WILL.

I think things may even level out more than we think. There are guys who may not rate a money offer from UK or UNC who would normally go there, but Pepperdine is offering 50K instead...

I was talking to my dad, the Beefy Padre, about this, and he thinks the real issue with creating a free-market approach to the whole business is that it opens up the sports world to a higher likelihood of gambling problems, or fixed games, or points shaving, or whatever.

I'm not convinced this would be a problem with my solution, because the motivating factor for most of these issues is the "forbidden money", so if the money can come from anywhere, and the players can legitimately receive money from other sources, the gambling element wouldn't have as much pull. Personally, I think it's probably a bigger risk as it is now.

The real solution is: Ban gambling on college events. Stop laughing.

Seriously, though... that's the solution. Of course the NCAA is pleased as punch to collect dollar after dollar on casino promotions, and gambling kick-backs, and all that nonsense. They'd NEVER give that up. Not to mention that gambling on college basketball and football is a HUGE moneymaker for the casinos.

Anyway, it all doesn't matter, because the NCAA will never fix the problem. Or admit that it really isn't a problem. Or admit that there are real problems they should be concentrating on...

Did you know that the NCAA regulates what kind of meals schools can provide their athletes? Breakfasts can consist of Bagels, fruit, and nuts. That sounds okay, right? Well... Cream cheese, peanut butter, jelly... Those are not included, so if a school gives the player a bagel, they better fucking make sure he eats that bitch dry, or they've committed a "minor rules violation."

That is not a joke. This is what the idiots are worried about. There's no hope for collegiate sports.

8 Lives too Many

2011-07-31T23:56:00.000-04:00

Oh... if we only knew then.

We have four cats.

Four.

I've mentioned them before. Little Walter (not so little. Fat, really), and Little Roy. Zoro and Sammy. They're a fun little furry bunch. They play, and eat, and fight, and snuggle with each other (and us when we're lucky). Oh... and they pee.

God damnit do they pee.

If you think this sounds ominous, like one of those blogs where the crazy person telegraphs the murder spree they're about to set forth upon... You may be right.

Let me state again, and for the record, that I love these cats. That love is tried every day by one cat in particular. Roy has decided to have separation anxiety like nobody's business. When the TM leaves the house? He pees. When she gets home after a long time away? He pees.

On the bed. On the couch. On the extension cords. On my socks. On the power strips. On the floor. On the mail. I'm certain there are more.

I live in fear that I'll sit in cat pee. Or that I'll go to open my mail, and it will be yellow and damp and stinking of ammonia. It's no way to live, I tells ya.

So, we've now become slaves to the cat. It's amazing. He's the smallest, shyest one, but we are fully wrapped around his left paw-paw.

It started small.

The TM bought us rubber sheets. She'll argue it wasn't as bad as all that, but yeah. Rubber. Sheets. Like we're fucking bed-wetters. This wasn't exactly a preemptive measure, we realized, but our understanding of the psychology of the cat was primitive at the time.

In conjunction to the shameful rubber sheets, we also started rewarding the cats with treats when they peed in the litter boxes in front of us. Just to be clear, we were now rewarding the cats for doing something even baby kittens figure out in about 6 seconds.

This worked for a little while. We call this period in our history "The Great Pee-ce". I realize this needs a little work, but we can't all have a "Black Death".

So this time of prosperity lasted for a long time. Well... you know...there was a weird time over the Winter when this strange cat was prowling around outside, and we had a couple of sporadic incidents, but still.... a relative peace.

Nearly a whole year. Unfortunately, about 3 months ago, the TM and I decided to re-do the floor of our bedroom, and things were... disrupted. Suddenly we started noticing a distinct "pee smell" on things like extension cords... Floors. And then again... the bed.

We started to realize that his pee habits were connected to the TM's comings and goings. The crazy ass cat has fucking separation anxiety. The TM started making a beeline to the litter boxes as soon as we'd get home and wait to reward him for "making the peepees". It's certainly not dignified.

Whenever he'd have an "accident" she'd blame herself for not paying closer attention to his signs. She was doing some research after a particularly nasty and wet week, and read all kinds of "solutions". The one she felt had the most credibility was this DVD called "Cat Sitter" where it shows hours worth of footage of various small wildlife doing their things... Rats, Hamsters, Butterflies, Parrots, etc... Apparently the trigger times for anxious cats are the 15 minutes before people leave and the 15 minutes after the get home (I have no idea how people know this).

So we head to the pet store and buy the cats a video. I was very sad for us that day. We tested it out in our living room and yes... the cats were HYPNOTIZED. They stood there pawing at my beautiful flat screen, and I started twitching. It was working, but I had this horrible vision of coming home to find my TV on the floor with cat scratch marks all across her screen...

The TM must have sensed my worry, so she suggested getting a little TV for the kitchen where the cats could paw with impunity. This was a pretty aggressive suggestion on the TMs part since she barely tolerates TV for humans. A TV just for cats is... like whoa.

So out we went. I was thinking we'd get some cheap little TV at a cheap little store, but no... The TM went all out and she bought a DVD/TV combo that is really the nicest kitchen TV a cat could have. Really more like a nice dorm TV.

Now we have a TV for our peeing cats. She turns on the TV before we leave, plays their little video, and sets the sleep timer... Crossing our fingers each and every time that the damned animals will be distracted just long enough to forget that we left.

And you know... it's working... mostly. We had a snag when we went to New York for 2 days a couple of week ago, and when we got home, there was like a pee explosion. On the table. On the floor. And most horrifically... our couch. The place where I sit most of the time at the house. It was like a punishment.

So... To Recap...

Rubber Sheets
Litter Box Treats
Routine Pee-Watching
VIDEOS
a TV

and still... there was pee.

We were at the pet store, loading up on pet odor remover, because that's what our life has become, and we come across this pheromone thing that plugs into the wall. It looked intriguing, because it claims to put out some sort of crazy hormones that tell the cats to calm the fuck down. So we bought that. And of course, if it works, we're tacitly agreeing to also buy the monthly refills.

An endless money pit, these cats.

And so far? It's working. I mean... we assume. Since this cat is smarter than us, we can only guess that the most recent remedy has made the difference, but for all I know the fucker is angling for me to buy him a car or something. Or have a daily fish delivery or whatever.

Can I get rid of him? No. He's the TWIN BROTHER of the sweetest, most well-behaved of the cats, and they are bonded so tightly we could never separate them.

The cat has us over a barrel. It's a pretty defeating feeling, I must admit.

How can you stay mad at this:He very likely is plotting where he'll pee next. Probably on this laptop.

You're Fucking Kidding, Right?

2011-07-19T21:33:00.006-04:00

Look. I'm not one to belabor a point. I'll wait til you stop laughing.

Many of you will remember my previous entries on the subject of political bumper stickers generally, and MY own political bumper sticker specifically. I believe that I have made my stance on "Anti" Obama stickers very clear. I also believe that I have made my stance on the harassment of someone solely based on their BUMPER STICKERS very clear. To summarize:
Anti-Obama Stickers = Pointless, sad, (and possibly racist) Sticker Harassment = Pointless, weird, creepy.
Okay... so now that we have that out of the way, let me just say.

You Obama-hating mother fuckers have gone too far.

I have been violated. I have been vandalized. I am really fucking mad.

This evening, the Tofu Muchacha and I went to a nice dinner at our favorite Thai restaurant, and then headed to the grocery store. Both of these took place in what is essentially our extended neighborhood. The place we call home. I mean... I already am feeling all jumbled up about my own home because of the terror of the cats, but that's for another blog altogether.

So anyway, we come out of the grocery store and the TM says "Obama's Gone!"

I wasn't sure what she meant at first, because it's not a thing you can just understand out of context, but then I looked at my car and noted that the notorious Obama/Biden sticker was GONE.

No more Obama Dog. That's what my friend Colette dubbed my car because of the 2 stickers. You can see the 2nd one still in the picture above. The Obama sticker stuck opposite the key hole from the dog sticker.

Now, if you've ever seen or touched a bumper sticker, you'll know that there's no fucking way that thing just fell off. Sticker properties notwithstanding, I've also checked on it relatively regularly ever since I started really thinking about how pissed people seem to get about it. Never once did it even demonstrate a loose corner.

That leads me to only one conclusion. Some mother fucker robbed it. Or at least peeled it off and discarded it.

This is not acceptable.

I'm sorry, but I don't care if my sticker was of a throbbing open sore. I don't care if it was a picture of a murder. Going up to a stranger's car and removing an item is nothing more than theft. This goes back to the whole "leave the stranger alone, because the stranger might be crazier than you" thing. What if I'd come out and seen this person violating my car, and I was all... "You know... I was planning on bludgeoning someone at the Walmart later, but whatever... they'll do."

Or maybe more realistically, what if I just called the cops. What you've done is illegal! You've vandalized my car. You've damaged my property.

You've also made whatever point you feel like you're making, but it has had the absolute opposite effect of your intent. While I'm unlikely to be swayed toward your ridiculous, close-minded, tea-party nonsense anyway, now I not only completely disagree with that self-same close-minded, ridiculous, tea-party nonsense, but... I also want to add "irrational and a whole lot creepy".

What the fuck is wrong with people?

I don't like Sarah Palin, but I don't go scrawling "idiot" on all the SARAH! stickers no matter how much I want to. I might call her an idioton my blog, but that's just a thing people say on their blogs. I have no real support for that (aside from the idiocy), but the point is... it's my blog. I can say that. I can say anything I want. But I can't say it ON someone elses' personal property.

Am I weird to feel like I want to go the opposite way now? I was totally down with just having my quiet little Obama sticker (a replacement has been ordered already, so SUCK IT!).

But now... I dunno. I think I want to really make a statement. Here are the stickers I'm considering:

See? Now those are making a statement. Funny as hell, and clearly taking a position. You can't come back from any of these. You are clearly who you are. All I had was a simple "OBAMA/BIDEN" sticker. Not now.

I'm taking suggestions. The best Liberal bumper sticker goes on my car. Right next to my replacement Obama /Biden sticker.

Lasers and the War of Northern Aggression

2011-06-30T07:41:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks ago, the Tofu Muchacha had a "work thing" in Atlanta which ended on a Thursday. For whatever reason, we both concluded that this was a good opportunity for me to take a couple of days off and join her in the hot, muggy South for a few days of exploration.

I'd say that aside from likely permanant crippling at the hands of Raccoon Mountain, it was a delightful time full of beautiful scenery (you know all those signs as you're driving South on I-75 through Tennessee that say "See Rock City"? Well... you really should. It's pretty beautiful... in fact, oh... what the heck:
Cool, huh?

Anyway, we spent some time in Chattanooga, and then headed back South toward Atlanta with a slight veer to the East and stopped at Stone Mountain. It's hard to explain Stone Mountain, really...

On the one hand, it's this kind of amazing natural landmark. It's this giant-ass rock, really. Which doesn't sound all that interesting, but believe me.... Go stand next to an 850 foot rock some time, and tell me that shit doesn't blow your mind. It's FIVE MILES around. There's also this kind of incredible complex of trails and campgrounds and man-made lakes. There's the quarry where all of this awesome granite was... um... quarried for decades. It's really a beautiful place.

We get there, and we see also that you can ride this gondola up to the top of the giant rock (by "gondola" I mean this big almost train-car sized box that can accommodate probably close to 40 people at once.

So... We're riding the first car of the day up to the top, and over to the right side of the car (facing the mountain) is this HUGE relief sculpture carved into the side of the rock. I don't want to exaggerate this, but it's fucking big. And to myself I'm thinking "Weird... why do they have this sculpture of conquistadors carved into this mountain in Georgia."

My mental question was quickly answered, though, as the "Conductor" started his bit giving out info and trivial tidbits about things, and he says:

"Folks, if you'll look over, you'll get a great view of Civil War Heroes Robert E. Lee, Jefferson David, and Stonewall Jackson."

WHHHAAAAAA???

That's right. I unwittingly found myself at the fucking Confederate Mt. Rushmore. (Alternatively called "The Redneck Mt. Rushmore")
So yeah.. this is the view from the gondola, and there's the fucking "conquistators" who ended up being just this grand monument to racism and war.

Just fucking great.

So, you know... the rest of my day was sort of clouded by this odd realization that all of this money, and all of this energy was put toward the glorification of the wrong side of the Civil War. The place has a "Confederate Memorial Hall", for Dog's sake. Did you know this was the most visited single attraction in Georgia?

On the one hand, I get it.. you've got this incredible place that features views like this:

On the other hand, if you look closely at that picture, you'll see this long lawn area and a really beautiful old building there at the end of it? That's the fucking confederate hall. It's like they reel you in with this amazing place, and then they remind you how the whole thing is all about how bummed everyone is that there ain't no slaves no more.

The worst part... well... one of the worst parts is how popular the place seems to be among minorities. It was so eerie! One of the most racist, horrible places I've ever been was also one of the most diverse.

You'll ask me.. "How can it be all bad if there are so many minorities enjoying the place?"

I thought about this for a long time, and I think it's actually this that makes me feel like it's a totally irredeemable place. If they had just been all "Hell Yeah! Fuck you Yanks! Let's hear about the War of Northern Aggression!!! YEeeeeeeeee Hawww" well... I think this would have been better. Not good, certainly, but more honest at least.

Instead, we have this neutered little theme park with train rides and games and 4-D movies that all sort of pay only the tiniest bit of attention to the main point, and focuses instead on the glittery, shiny things all around the main point. They have this huge gravestone, essentially, even down to the granite relief carving, and it's honoring the men who are symbols for the last stand of the pro-slavery movement. The succession movement. These men aren't heroes. It's the same as honoring Mussolini or Franco after they'd been deposed. Didn't the Italian people drag Mussolini through the streets on a pig hook? They sure as hell didn't carve his face into the side of Mt. Vesuvius.

So it's this cute little friendly racism that is all "in the past", so now it's adorable instead of deplorable. It made me feel gross..

Of course, nothing made me feel more gross than the famous daily occurance...

The Mother Effing Laser Show.

That's right. At 9:30 every night these fools put on a laser lights show that talks all about Confederate history or whatever. Apparently I'm not the only person ever to think maybe the place lacks a little taste, because I've read that they added mention of Martin Luther King to bow to the rage of this small group of protesters.

I'm not a huge fan of laser shows or fireworks or whatever anyway, because I dislike crowds, but it would have barely mattered. We moseyed on down from our dinner (At the "Plantation" or something like that) about 90 minutes before the start of the lasers, and we saw this:

This was 90 minutes before the damned show. (Yes... they project the lasers right on The Redneck Rushmore itself).

We didn't stay for the lasers.

Look... I don't have anything else to say... Isn't it obvious anyway?

I'm sorry... am I wrong to be grossed out by this place? Am I wrong to wish they'd just left it this beautiful natural wonder and state park?

Next time: Indulging our Cats

A Triumphant Return!

2011-05-22T10:00:00.000-04:00

The Tofu Muchacha and I have made our Disney World reservations for our next visit. It's still a long way away.... 4 more months. So long that I'm almost embarrased to be as excited for it as I am. It would be like an 8 year old being excited for their wedding.

I've promised myself to be a little staid in regards to my Disney Trip blogs until the trip gets closer, but in honor of our wonderful, upcoming travels to The Happiest Place on Earth, I've decided to a list of my top 5 favorite restaurants at Disney World (a topic requested by The Tofu Muchacha, who is WAY more excited about the trip than she is letting on.)

So, here we go... Instead of ranking them, I'm going to give you my winner in each of five categories.

The Beefy Muchacho's Five Favorite Disney World Restaurants:

Favorite Resort Restaurant:

Boma at The Animal Kingdom Lodge. I first tried this place kind of on a whim when I was in Orlando for work, and I turned my 1 day work thing into a 4 day trip to Disney. I was by myself, and didn't have a time-table, so I drove my rental car over to the newly opened Animal Kingdom Lodge. After wandering around for a while, I made my way down the stairs where the two restaurants, Jiko and Boma are located. I looked at the prices at Jiko, and headed right in to Boma. Boma is an African-cuisine inspired buffet, and it is really freakin' incredible. The food quality is comparable to a high-end buffet you'd find at The Bellagio or The Wynn in Vegas, and the food itself is really unique and really delicious. In fact, I've requested 3 recipes at Disney World ever, and 2 of them came from Boma. This delicious soup called Mulligatawny (which isn't just a joke on The Soup Nazi episode of Seinfeld), and this peanut butter rice dish. Crazy good. It's good enough that I plan on enticing The TM to get over her anti-Buffet sentiments (if only for a night) and try it out. I haven't been there in a couple of visits.

Favorite Restaurant Theming (non-chain)

Sci-Fi Dine-in at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Let be honest... the food at the Sci-Fi Dine-in is mediocre. The burgers are good, but not great. The fries are good, but not great. The seating is odd, and the wait-times are legendarily bad. BUT... that doesn't take away from one of the coolest restaurant themes anywhere. You walk through the doors, and you're transported back into the 1950s Drive-in Culture. Your dinner tables are all situated inside of 1950s era cars. All of the seats face the movie screen, and the screen shows a long and amusing loop of the old, terrible sci-fi movie trailers of the time. The seats aren't particularly comfortable, but man, is that place fun to sit in for an hour, of the hot air, and sipping on truly average milkshake. I can tell you that I've visited it several times over my visits and not once has it been for the food. But it IS worth a visit. By the way, I had to make this a "non-chain" category, because The Rainforest Cafe wins every day.

Favorite Restaurant View

The Coral Reef at Epcot. While not exactly a traditional view, the scenery here is so spectacular that I had to count this as the best restaurant view in all of Walt Disney World. It's fairly unexpected when you walk in, as it just seems like you're going into this luminescent cavern. Cool sounding enough, I know... but it doesn't prepare you for the actual vista Disney lays out before you... A giant wall of glass, and beyond it an amazing, enormous aquarium of fish and coral and turtles and all kinds of amazing sea creatures. The dining room is laid out like one of those old school cabana clubs, with the tables lined up in semi circles around a proscenium stage, only instead of a stage there's this amazing fish tank. Maybe I was spoiled since my first visit ever to the Coral Reef featured this awesome view:

Favorite Place to Crash Without Reservations**

The Rainforest Cafe in Downtown Disney. Look... I've never made a secret about loving my Rainforest Cafe. It's a guilty pleasure, I know. But then, I think one of the things that has always made me go back is that while it's usually a total, freaky madhouse with hundreds of families all gorging themselves and lining up around the block to get a table, the Rainforest Cafe has this awesome bar under a giant mushroom (don't judge), and there are almost always seats to be had with no wait whatsoever. To give you an idea of how awesome that is... Disney lets you make dinner reservations 180 days in advance of your trip. I, being the totally insane lunatic I am, called on that exact date to make our reservations. This of course requires me to know exactly where we're going each day of the trip six months ahead of time, but there it is. So anyway, as I went through and made each of our reservations, I was able to get just about all of the ones I wanted, at the times I wanted. It was awesome. The ONLY restaurant that was fully booked up was the Rainforest Cafe at Downtown Disney. And yet, I did not fret. I knew I would be able to eat at my favorite chain restaurant of all time, thanks to that good old bar under that big-ass mushroom.

** The only caveat is that you really can't rely on this for more than 2 people, unless you're willing to sit apart.

Favorite Restaurant, Overall

This is a tough one. I have been so many times, and tried so many places. It's difficult to choose a single place that best sums up all of the things I look for in a Disney Restaurant. The food has to be good. The setting has to be unique. It has to evoke a memory or three that probably blurs my judgement a little.

All of the restaurants listed above could be contenders. Boma is an incredible place with incredible food, and I even have some great memories there. I've even requested recipies from there (and tried one, though it was difficult to follow). Sci-Fi is probably the most fun in terms of setting, but as I mentioned above, the food is just okay. Rainforest's food and theme are great, but I don't think I could really give the title to a chain, no matter how much I love it. The Coral Reef... probably has the best shot at the title... The food is great, the setting is beautiful, and maybe best of all, I spent my one and only visit there with my love, the amazing Tofu Muchacha. I can't deny that I'm tempted to call it the winner...

And maybe it's just that my all time favorite restaurant at Disney is the only one I can ever remember closing, but I may never have another Alfredo's. The now gone Italian place in Epcot that I spent some awesome times with Tofu Madrastra (Step mom), who may love Disney almost as much as me. It's a tough place to replace, and I don't know that a clear answer has shown itself yet.

So... I'm going to say that for now, my favorite is The San Angel Inn, located in the Mexico Pavilion at Epcot.

Kind of out of left field, right? Well...

Food: Outstanding. More authentic than almost any Mexican food that you'll find anywhere in America outside of the far South West, but not so authentic that you worry you're possibly eating roasted ant eggs or goat (though, goat is, admittedly, delicioso!).

Setting: Pretty much the most visually stunning of all the Epcot country pavilions, and the restaurant has the best seats for the view.

Memories: Well... It doesn't necessarily stand out more than The Coral Reef, but I gave it the victory in this category, because the TM and I love us some Mexican food. I have been thinking about writing reviews of local Mexican restaurants because we try so many.

Maybe my reasons are lame for this last one... I wonder if it's because in the end, I really am always holding out hope that the next visit to Disney will help me discover my new favorite place to replace good old Alfredo's.

Later this week (hopefully): The Best Unintentionally Scary Places at Disney World.

Legendary

2011-04-24T15:30:00.000-04:00

This blog is not about these guys.

I've had this topic rolling around in my head for a month and a half, so here we go.

I saw Rent at the University of Cincinnati's College Conservatory of Music. (That's CCM to you and me).

My love and personal feelings about Rent are well documented on this blog, and in previous incarnations, so I was predisposed to loving it. Or maybe I wasn't? I think I wanted to love it, but I think that actual love was much less a given.

I certainly did find it moving, and beautiful, and full of heart. I was definitely weeping like a fucking baby through most of Act 2. I really did love it. It was one of those experiences where I wanted to commiserate with anyone and everyone about every little detail, so I started checking out the reviews, and...many of them just merely liked it, (but with reservations). Some of them didn't like it. I couldn't believe it! They said things about how the show wasn't gritty enough, or raw enough, or real enough or something. Clearly I disagreed, but I also started wondering if maybe the reaction was inevitable. Perhaps CCM saddled itself with an impossible task.

I start to think about how Rent, for many people of my generation, exists in this sort of otherworldly level of reverence... It's the signature musical of my formative years. It's like West Side Story for people who were teens in the late 50s, or Hair for kids from the early 70s. There have been very few musicals in history that have held the same importance for the people who saw it as Rent did during it's Broadway run. Hell... The Office just used "Seasons of Love" in the most recent episode.

Rent captured a particular part of our culture unlike any other theatre piece in my lifetime. Some may have been "better", but none were more iconic. Rent combined many of the ideals of the mid-Nineties artist life, and the still very, very real plight of the AIDS epidemic (three of the main characters have it). It also had the added publicity and notoriety of the extremely sad, tragic death of writer and composer Jonathan Larson, who died the night before opening.

Oh... and it's also, more than anything, beautiful and visceral and memorable.

Okay, so it's great and all those things I've talked about, but why did CCM have no chance?

Because, I believe that some things are, for many people, untouchable. You can't remake The Godfather. When an actor plays Colonel Jessup in the stage version of A Few Good Men, they have to be compared with Nicholson. People could make amazing covers of Yesterday, but it will never be The Beatles. In each of these cases, the public knowledge and sentiment for the original makes it impossible to truly be measured independently.

Every musical theatre nerd has a copy of the original cast recording of Rent. Every single one. You ask most buffs to name the actors in that cast, and they come up with them in short order. Quicker than any other show of the time. It's like naming the 76 Cincinnati Reds for a baseball fan.

Every Tom Collins singing "I'll Cover You" will be compared to Jesse L. Martin. The little inflections of every Roger and Mimi will be compared (usually negatively) to Adam Pascal and Daphne Rubin Vega's rendition of "Light My Candle". Idina Menzel is the gold standard for "Over the Moon". That's just the way it is.

I think Mia Gentile, who played Maureen at CCM, is better than Idina Menzel. I'm not forgetting who Idina Menzel is. It doesn't make that original, Tony winning performance, any less iconic or spectacular. It certainly doesn't diminish her performance as Elphaba in Wicked. But yeah... i said it. Mia Gentile can sing the ever-loving shit out of that music, is exceptionally well trained, and just rocked it from moment one.

Max Chernin's performance during "I'll Cover You" made me cry like a little tiny baby. This doesn't make that one track on disc 2 of the original cast recording any less worn out. I've had to replace my copy of Rent two times. This is owed in no small part to Jesse L. Martin's heartbreaking performance. That said.. If I remove my sentiment, Max absolutely crushes his performance, and no amount of nostalgia for singing that song along wtih Jesse L will change that.

I'm not saying that this was a better production than the original Broadway... What I'm saying is that I don't think people have the ability to separate their very personal feelings for this particularly personal show that means so much to so many of them.

The thing is, though... as great as that original production was, I wonder if maybe people haven't... I dunno... Made it even better in their heads. Is it possible that what people consider grit is really just Daphne Rubin Vega not being that great a singer? (OH, NO I DIDN'T!!) Is it possible that Adam Pascal really does kind of sound a little wooden, if you're listening real hard? (OH, YES I DID!).

The thing is... it doesn't matter. The original cast of Rent is untouchable. It's impossible to separate the Legend from the Reality anymore. So... Basically, no matter the artistry of the CCM production (or any other), the people who choose to view any new production in the kaleidoscope of the original can never be good enough. To be honest... I've seen Rent three times in Cincinnati, and this was the first where I actually thought that even someday the specter of the original could potentially be pushed enough aside to view it independently. The two tour productions I'd seen before were both good, but not great. Not productions I'd wanna see again.

I'd have gone to see CCM's show over and over.

Can anyone think of other untouchable performances or productions? Does Gus Van Whatshisface's remake of Psycho make you angry?

PS: Apparently I've mentioned Rent so much I have a tag for it.

The Mysterious Case of the Little Green Flecks

2011-04-02T14:47:00.024-04:00

I'd planned on using Bugs Bunny as my lead image, but this was too effing adorable.

I made my triumphant return to my "Adventures in Baking" series last Sunday evening, and it certainly was an adventure.

First some background...

The Tofu Muchacha is currently in training for the Cincinnati Flying Pig Marathon on May 1st, and last Sunday I accompanied her on her 18 mile training run. By "Accompanied" I mean "drove to meet her every 6 miles to give her more water and moral support". It was fucking exhausting.

So once we got done, she went home and showered, and we ventured to breakfast, and planned the rest of our day. I'd had a sort of hankering for some baking lately, and we discussed any number of assorted things. I really wanted to make something that wasn't overly sweet, and maybe kind of spicy... but still a baked good.

The Muchacha suggested I bake cupcakes. For whatever reason I have this apathy for cupcakes. I just can't get into them. I know that they're simply small cakes, and there's really no other difference, but for some reason I just can't get behind them. I don't know why. In any case... At first, I sort of poo-pooed the cupcake idea.

And we went round and round about the different types of things I could bake. Ultimately, we settled on a spiced carrot cake. That had me at least marginally interested, because I'd never made carrot cake before, and I effing LOVE carrot cake.

I think the TM knows me pretty well, because she knew she had me hooked on the Carrot Cake plan, so she went ahead and suggested I make Carrot Cake CUPCAKES. And... I agreed. What else could I do? She's so purty and persuasive.

So off to the store I went, to pick up the necessities, and below I present my mis en place:

That's right. Actual carrots! Who knew? I don't know what I thought would be in there, but I admit that I was surprised I'd be shredding up real carrots. Some other notable things you may note: Crushed Pineapple! Cayenne Pepper (my own idea)! Chocolate Chips (also me). You can't really see it here, but there's also coconut that is to be folded into the cream cheese frosting. The pecans...well... also my idea, and you'll see about those. Oh... you'll also note... There's nothing green. This will become important.

I should tell you that the recipe called for nuts in the cake itself, and I'll just be honest with you... I don't like nuts that are baked into baked goods. that goes for cakes, brownies, cookies. Pretty much anything. You put a crunchy nut into a wet cake batter, and then you bake it, and that nut (while giving nice flavor) loses my favorite feature, the aforementioned crunchiness. So... out with the nuts. It called for a half-cup of them, and I put in a half cup of chocolate chips. That's what we, in the business, call "trading metal money for paper money".

I am pretty sure that whenever I bake, I make the TM totally insane. I tend to doubt myself, and start on a certain path and then it kind of feels wrong, so I then call on her guidance. After her 18 mile run (and no nap after), she wasn't in much of a mood to do much assisting, so there were... ehm.... errors along the way.

The first thing the recipe told me to do was to grease and flour the pan. The TM had shown me a good method of greasing the pan during another adventure, so that was no problem, but I had not a clue how much flour to use. I didn't even know that was done! I mean... I knew for things like rolling boards and whatnot, but for cupcake pans? Not a clue. Of course, this wouldn't have been an issue if I'd wanted to use those dumb paper things, but I hate those, so fuck that. Here's what the pan ended up looking like:

I bet you thought it'd be absolutely covered in flour, didn't you? Well... I went the other direction. More on that later too...

Most of the recipe was pretty standard. Mix the wet ingredients together:

Two Eggs, Two Cups of Sugar, One cup of oil, and two teaspoons of vanilla. I may or may not have accidentally spilled maybe an extra teaspoon of vanilla in there. I didn't take a picture of the mixed wet ingredients, because... it looked gross.

Two cups of flour, two teaspoons of baking soda** , some salt, some cinnamon, and some cayenne pepper. I know... maybe I go to the Cayenne well a little too often with my baking, but damnit.. I love a tiny amount of heat to go with the sweet. I've never had it fail me. In this case, I probably didn't even put enough in to be noticeable.

** The above photo shows the difference between a Tablespoon and a teaspoon. You know how some people need to hold up their thumb and index finger in the shape of an L to remember their left and right. I need to do something to keep these mother fuckers straight... Because... that's right... There was likely a Tablespoon of baking soda in the cake mix, not two teaspoons. Fortunately, I caught myself after the first Tablespoon, or it would have really been a mess. O would it? I honestly, don't know what baking soda does. So... after all that fun, I went ahead and mixed the wet and dry together, just like they say, and it came out looking pretty, pretty dry.

I hoped that the the raisins, chocolate chips, carrots, and pineapple would wetten (is that a word? Is it "whetten"?) the batter up a bit. So I shredded up the carrots... there's a picture, but I bet you all know what shredded carrots look like, and mixed it all up. The recipe called for me to drain the crushed pineapple before mixing it, but I'm really glad I reserved the juice (at the suggestion of the TM), because before I added that in, that shit was dry. Like... "There's no way this is a cake batter" dry. Like... dry enough for the TM to say "yeah... that's not right.". Fortunately, I did save the juice and it ended up looking okay:

Doesn't that look delicious? I filled the tins (a little unevenly, I admit), and set the oven for 350 degrees, and let them bake for 24 minutes while I made the frosting and special topping. Here's what it looked like in the pan:

The TM asks that you focus on the cupcakes and not the oven.

So while that was going, I started working on the icing. If I do say so myself, I make a mean icing, and I'm much more confident in that, than I am my actual batters... This one was easy. Two cups of powdered sugar, one package of cream cheese, 6 TABLEspoons of butter, some vanilla, and a cup of coconut.

Here's a completely self-explanatory picture.

I've been experimenting with candying nuts. It started back in January when the TM candied some pecans to put on this delicious salad we took to a dinner party. I have since made a couple of batches of candied almonds and a batch of candied pecans, using various mixes of sugar, salt, and spices. I wanted to add my own little twist to the cupcake recipe, so I decided to candy some pecans, chop them up, and sprinkle them on the top of the cupcakes (You know... to make them look pretty.) This is not in opposition to my previous comment on nuts, because while the baking process makes them lose their crunch, the candying process makes them crunchier. (and covered in sugar). This time, out of necessity, I used brown sugar:

It ended up getting hot much quicker than white sugar, and I almost burned the hell out of them, but they came out pretty much like usual. I didn't salt them, or add other spices, because I wanted to keep them simple. Let me just say... there's nothing like a sweet, sugary nut in your mouth.... uh... that came out wrong. The nuts cooled quickly on a sheet of Pam'ed aluminum foil, and then I chopped them up.

Round this same time, the cupcakes themselves were done, and I popped them out of the oven.

I may have over baked them juuuuust a little, but they definitely looked pretty. The part that spilled up over the edge was sweet and crunchy and pretty delicious. Of course, the part after I took the pan out of the oven was the worst part of all.. I had to wait for them to cool.

The TM will tell you that of all of my negative traits, my worst is impatience. I probably checked those damned muffins 40 times to see if they were cool enough. Once they were, I popped the fuckers out and let them finish cooling on the racks.

This is where that little bit about now knowing how much to flour I needed to put in the cupcake pan comes into play. All of those chocolate chips sank to the bottom of the cups and were a bitch to get out. I bet I lost about a quarter of the chocolate chips to the bottom of the pan. Clearly, I should have added more flour. They don't look real pretty around the edges, but how bout that color?

So down the home stretch, I slathered some frosting all over the top of each cupcake, and sprinkled some nuts on top of that, and they came out looking pretty delicious, in a rustic sort of way...

And yes... they really were delicious. I had a ton of batter left over, but didn't feel like going through the full process of baking, cooling, and frosting another dozen, so the TM poured the remainder into a cake pan, and made a one layer cake. I gave the same treatment to the top, and she took it to her show to feed the cast on Opening night.

Here's where it gets weird.

On Friday evening, she called me from the show and said " Everyone likes your cake, but we're dying to know... What are the little green flecks?"

And I sat there, and couldn't figure out what the hell she was talking about. I wracked my brain trying to think of something green that might have made its way into the batter, but there's nothing.

Despite the fact that I put nothing green into the batter, and nothing green into the frosting, there were green flecks all throughout the cake.

I never noticed them, personally, but the TM said she'd seen them in the cupcakes as well, and that they were there from the start... At least that should eliminate the possibility of some sort of aggressive mold. The only thing that we can think of is that there may have been some sort of chemical reaction with the pineapple, or maybe I didn't do a good enough job cutting the green ends off the carrots. I honestly can't figure it out... Do any of you, my loyal readers, have an idea of what it could be?

Some last thoughts on the Carrot Cake Cupcake Adventure...

1) I added cayenne, but I couldn't taste it. Maybe someone with a more developed palate than mine would be able to taste it. So I think I'll leave it out the next time. They came out pretty well.

2) The chocolate chips were good, but not great. I think I would use smaller ones next time.

3) I think I would use dried cranberries instead of raisins the next time. I liked the raisins, but I think the tart cranberries would be interesting with the uber-sweet frosting.

4) Speaking of the frosting... I used sweetened coconut. Was that wrong? Should I have used unsweetened?

Until next time, this has been The Beefy Muchacho's Adventures in Baking!

Where do you Start?

2011-03-27T22:50:00.004-04:00

It's 11 at night on a Sunday. I had one of those days today that makes me sentimental and reflective. I don't typically spend a lot of time on my blog discussing my personal life, so you know... read or skip, but you've been forewarn.

I often wonder where my life would have taken me with one different turn.

There are so many forks in the road that has been my life.

How about that decision I made, round about my junior year of high school, where I chose to follow the dream of being an actor and not a history teacher. The decision to not be a paleobotanist was sort of made for me by my extreme lack biology acumen. The decision to not be a baseball player was made even sooner by my aggressive lack of discipline.

The choice between actor and teacher was a tough one for me. More than most people know. I still love the idea of teaching. I mean... what other job can you have where you are so demonstrably smart? I love thinking I'm smart. I may, or may not be actually smart, but I sure love feeling like I am. History still holds a unique fascination for me. I had some extraordinary history teachers in high school. I've always thought there was something magical about finding some way to share these elegant facts in a way that draws in the otherwise apathetic.

Of course, it's a romantic notion. And god damn, I'm nothing if I'm not a romantic. Which leads me to my ultimate decision... What's more romantic than joining a profession of poets and performers and idealists and all of those things that 16 year olds think actors are?

So I put all my eggs in that basket. I spent the next year searching for a college program for theatre. I gave no thought at all to what would happen if I changed my mind. This is how I ended up at Wright State University. As a Musical Theatre major. Amazing the possibilities that were ahead of me.

So... There's the fork I think about all the time. The number one fork. And it has led to so many more forks...

What would my life look like had I not been cut from the Musical Theatre BFA program after my freshman year?

Would I live in Chicago or New York? Would I be married? Would I be broke? Would I love theatre or view it as a job? (See... that was always the thing I thought I'd never lose.)

Just the other night I was reminded of my thought process the Summer after I got cut. It was too late to get in to most colleges for the Fall term, so I considered delivering pizzas for a year while I tried again. I considered just moving to New York and trying my luck (at 19!! What a fucking joke. I could barely do my own laundry.) Dee Anne suggested I go talk to one of her long-ago mentors at Thomas More College, Dr. Ron Mielech. Doc (as I'd soon come to know him) offered me an immediate second chance. I wasn't ready to let go of my dream of being an actor, even though I'd been told that the dream was ready to let me go.

Suddenly I was enrolling and registering for classes at a college that I thought was an internet college or something. A thought based almost entirely on a really dumbass jingle on the radio, and no other information to go by.

I found myself thriving, and loving this small (decidedly NOT Internet) college in Northern Kentucky. Amazing what a string of decisions leads to.

Don't worry... even though I could break this down into hundreds of individual decisions of course, I won't. I could discuss the minute details of choice after choice. I have an absolutely stellar memory.

Oh god... This is getting weird. I'm not good at sharing like this. I tend to ramble...

The point is, I'm grateful. It's crazy... I finished a really miserable week at my job where I worked 12 hour days from a combination of sweat boxes and a hotel room. I missed the Muchacha something fierce. I missed our cats. I got home yesterday morning, and found my love of home renewed.

I mean, there's always room for improvement. I need to get a crown on one of my teeth this week. I could stand to lose a few pounds (as usual). Work is insanely stressful, and not that much fun. (Spoiler Alert: I decided not to be an actor). I could read more.

Today I spent a day with the beautiful Muchacha, doing all kinds of mundane things like hardware shopping, marathon training, and watching True Blood with a friend. I find myself happier than I've ever been.

I think about my life and I reverse-engineer the decisions that brought me here, and despite the pain and flux and confusion that many of those decisions caused in the short term, I have to say thanks to that 16 year old version of me for getting me to today somehow, because today? Fucking rocked.

National Blog Insensitivity

2011-03-18T00:01:00.001-04:00

The Tofu Muchacha mentioned to me the other day that there's some sort of movement for a "Blogger Day of Silence" all blogs on March 18th in an act of support for Japan.

How in the ever living hell does a "Blogger Day of Silence" solve anything? Who believes that the people of Japan give two shits about whether I talk about what Disney movies I've enjoyed lately, or what outfit The Tofu Muchacha wore today, or what Jordan Baker thought about the latest episode of Top Chef? You know who believes the people of Japan cares?

Bloggers.

Blogging is, inherently, a self-centered activity. Sure, there are some bloggers who have developed significant followings, but 99 out of 100 blogs out there started as a person talking to themselves. Only bloggers would believe that the populace of a country ravaged by natural disaster, (where people are DYING, and homes are destroyed, and oh... internet connections are being interrupted everywhere), would ever even know that a handful of self-important bloggers in the safe and warm confines of their respective homes DIDN'T blog. It's so fucking dumb.

I know, I know... It's a symbolic gesture. How bout this... if you feel that you need to make a gesture, how bout you donate to the relief funds? How about you use your blog for it's actual purpose, and write a post about how you've been affected by the circumstances you've observed in Japan.

Part of the beauty of a blog is that you can talk about whatever you want. Whatever you feel. On this blog I've talked about all kinds of nonsense just for the sake of talking about it. If I felt the need to make a blog related gesture on behalf of the millions of people who don't know I exist, I'd be more likely to go the cathartic route, and write something reflective about the tragedy.

Instead, I've felt the need to comment on the meaninglessness of a suggested gesture. And, you know, show the world (or my 11 readers) that I'm just an insensitive dick. Whatever.

You know... while I'm at it...

I've heard tell of bloggers talking about being actually offended that people on Twitter and Blogs had the unmitigated nerve to actually tweet and blog about.... NOT Japan. I know! How dare @redreporter talk about what happened with The Cincinnati Reds!?!?! How DARE Alan Sepinwall blog about TV on his TV blog?!!!?? The Nerve! The Gall!!

Listen... I understand feeling the need to all sit in a corner and cry when you can't do anything about something so horrible you can't really even comprehend the scope of it. I get it. 9/11 was like that too. Everyone just sat, transfixed, weeping and wringing their hands, and that made everyone feel so much better. But you know... it really didn't. What made people feel better? When football started back up again. And when Letterman made jokes on TV that weren't about terrorists and death.

The thing about people is... they get obsessive. We all have a need for diversion. Diversion doesn't mean we don't care. It just means we don't go crazy with grief and sadness.

And you know... if you don't want to be offended by the lack of FOCUS on TWITTER (the single least focused media outlet in the history of the world), maybe... I dunno... don't fucking go to mother fucking Twitter.

If I was all:

"I am so upset, and I really need to talk it out. I need to go somewhere where everyone is focused on talking about the exact same thing with the exact same amount of gravity I am."

You bet your ass I wouldn't go to Twitter.

All of that said...

The disaster in Japan is one of the saddest, scariest events of my lifetime. The magnitude and reach of the tragedy makes me breathe harder, and makes my hands shake whenever I see anything about it. My heart goes out to the people of Japan. I pledge to post this blog today in the hopes to let you know how trivial I acknowledge my blog to be, in comparison to just about everything. At this moment, especially when comparison to the suffering of the millions of people, this dumbass rambling should mean even less.

Make a real difference, instead of NOT blogging:
Click here to donate real money to the relief efforts.

The Sex-Crazed Mormon Basketball Star

2011-03-06T23:01:00.004-05:00

I promise not to use the phrases "tiger blood" or "duh, winning!" or "goddesses", Oh, and I promise doubly to not mention Charlie Sheen, or the drug of the same name.

I'm a big sports fan, and among my favorite sports, college basketball is near the top. Late last week, a really interesting situation arose at everyone's favorite Mormon University and their basketball team.

Brigham Young University's basketball team has been exceptionally good this season. Possibly the best they've ever been. They have a breakout star on the team, whose name is Jimmer. He's a scoring machine, and largely as a result of his dominance, BYU has shot up the national rankings.

Late last week, though, BYU kicked their 2nd best player, Brandon Davies, right the hell off the team. A move that significantly hinders their chances in the upcoming NCAA Tournament.

So, what did Davies do? He didn't assault a fellow student. He didn't cheat on an exam. He didn't get caught doing drugs. He didn't go to the Salt Lake City Zoo, murder a tiger, wear it's tiger pelt, and drink it's tiger blood (SHIT!!).

He had sex with his girlfriend. And then admitted to it.

Yup... That's all. Not to steal the comments of others, but all Davies did was exactly what I planned and hoped and plotted to do every minute of every second of college with any number of goddesses (DAMN!!) , except during the select few moments I succeeded.

Had there been a chance that this kind of thing could get me kicked out of school, or out of a play or whatever, I would have almost certainly risked it.

And here he owns up to his actions to his university, and they summarily remove him from his team, and threaten to remove him from the school.

The thing is... I think the school isn't wrong, exactly.

When a student goes to BYU, the rules are made crystal clear. You can not drink. You can not smoke. You can not consume drugs (including caffeine). You can not engage in pre-marital sex. Even with your serious girlfriend. These are known going in.

It's not like with me, at my job, when after 3 years of being paid a certain way, I was told that my whole pay structure was changing, and I could either accept it or find a new job. That's changing the rules after I'm waist deep in it.

Brandon Davies knew the rules before he decided to go to BYU. He knew them well enough that he told on himself after he broke the rules.

The rules are clear, the punishments are detailed beforehand. The school simply followed through with the ruling that they say was predetermined 100 years ago or whatever.

So, maybe the school wasn't wrong. Exactly. But I wonder if it's the right decision anyway.

I wonder if it's fair to the rest of the basketball team, and the dedicated fans who have longed for a successful team. I know in the military (at least in the movies), the actions of one soldier can result in the punishment of the whole unit. Is that legit? Wouldn't the argument be that poor Jimmer and the rest of team has had one goal for a whole season, which is, you know.. duh, winning, (FUCK!) and one horny player getting his rocks off with his girlfriend has potentially short circuited that goal.

I wonder if it's really fair to the student. Listen, I'm not saying that the oath they take is unimportant. I think it is important, but I also know how I was when I was 20. Promising not to have sex while I'm sitting in a sterile Dean's office signing an oath is a lot different than asking me to stand by that promise when I'm sitting on my couch watching some sexy movie with my sexy girlfriend. It's a lot to ask from a kid. Ask Charlie Sheen (CRAP!) how difficult self-restraint is. Maybe it is reasonable to ask, and maybe I'm cutting the kid too much slack, but what about the responsibility a school has to educate?

When I was a freshman, I was cut from a musical theater program for some reason or another, and was basically told that I needed to go to school somewhere else if I wanted to learn about what I cared about. I've always wondered if that was really serving the function of an institute of learning. If I was passionate, and willing to learn, and try to get better... how could they justify kicking me to the curb, even if I made mistakes.

Shouldn't the school give the kid a chance to correct himself? Isn't there a probation? Isn't there leniency to be had since he admitted it?

I dunno.. I see both sides, but I am also troubled by the situation on a human level. Logically, yes... Brandon Davies broke the rules that he knew were rules. He was basically punished exactly as expected. But damn... I feel for the poor horny kid who made a mistake that had it been any other kid at any other school, he would have simply exchanged high fives with his teammates.

I guess this is starting to head toward being more a "Are Mormons, or ANY religions for that matter, responsible to adjust their expectations to a more modern slant." Maybe it's not realistic anymore to expect a passionate celibacy.

But that's for another blog. That's what we call a teaser, because THAT'S how I roll.

Flabbergasted

2011-03-02T23:16:00.005-05:00

Okay, so back in January, I wrote this blog where I talk at length about the sad, sad people who have to have negative political bumper stickers.

I then received a lengthy, and virulent response (to which I responded.)

Little did I know that the depth of the bumper sticker insanity had barely been marked at all.

This afternoon, I was on my way to pick up the Tofu Muchacha from work, and I was driving through downtown Cincinnati. Cincinnati isn't known as being the most tolerant place on Earth. It's a city known recently for the racism of their sports team owners and race riots.

So anyway, I'm driving, and I stop downtown at a red light. A car pulls up next to me, and honks their horn. I look over, and the windows are tinted, so I can't see the driver. They honk again, and I roll down my window.

The next part is a little bit of a blur.

It happened in regular speed, but you know sometimes something is so surprising that your brain can't give it the proper context quickly enough?

So this dude is leaning over toward me (he's on my driver's side, but he's like.. leaning into his passenger's seat). And I expect him to say something like "Your back tire is low" or "Do you know which way is Plum Street?", but no...

"HEY! HOW'S OBAMA TREATING YOU????"

It takes me a second to even register what in the hell he's talking about, but I realize he's seen my "Obama/Biden" sticker on the back of my car.

So I sort of stammer for a second, (as an ode to Colin Firth's Oscar win), and then I say:

"UM... I.., uh... have no complaints?"

He cuts me off toward the end by shouting:

"JACKASSSSSS!!!"

And then he rolls up his window. I admit to flipping him the bird, but I don't even know if he saw me. It was a fucking drive-by heckling.

About a sticker on a stranger's car.

I mean... aren't there a lot of issues with this? Does anyone else think that this sort of stinks of a lack common sense? Would you randomly shout angry things at a person you've never met? What if I had a gun on my passenger seat, and I'd just been all "Okay.... That's one fewer bullet for the spree I was planning, but what the heck!"? Is that a risk someone should be willing to take to shout a couple of angry curses about the alleged political views of a person?

What if I was just borrowing my sister's car? What if I bought it used and just hadn't had time to cover that sticker with my "Buck Ofama" sticker? What if I sported the sticker ironically? (none of the above, by the way.. I really did vote for Obama, and I would again.)

Kind of difficult to have any sort of meaningful exchange with a person when they're shouting from a neighboring car.

My point is...

Who's he convincing, exactly?

Is being menacing (and barely articulate) supposed to talk some sense into me?

I dunno.... Just some thoughts.

I wish I could Cook like these Crazy-Ass People

2011-02-20T22:01:00.006-05:00

As I always seem to do when I can't figure out what to blog about, I'm going to blog about my favorite television shows...

This is the Top Chef Edition

I have never been an enormous fan of reality TV, but I've occasionally been sucked into a season or another of some show... I especially enjoy competitive reality shows.

I used to love American Idol, but Adam Lambert ruined it for me. I'm fairly certain that he can never be topped, so I just decided to stop watching.

Survivor was a staple for years, but it became too meta for me. When people are referencing the strategies of former competitors, and former competitors are referencing themselves because they've been brought back or whatever. It's just got too dumb.

I've started gravitating toward the competitive shows that don't rely on strategy... The ones that are taken one episode at a time. Basically, I don't care about personality for personality's sake. I like having people to root for, but I want them to win because they are good at something or another, not good at plotting and scheming.

So my current favorite reality show is Top Chef.

I fucking love Top Chef. It's the only reality show that's been a staple of my TV watching for the last few years. Top Chef combines a perfect combination of people who have a skill I wish I had time to develop, interesting challenges, and contestants with just enough arrogance that I find them entertaining.

The current season is "All Stars", and I think All Star seasons kick ass. There's no catch-up time to learn about the people, and in these kinds of shows, there's at least a small expectation of heightened quality... I mean the people all lasted long enough in their respective seasons to become "All Star" worthy. Richard Blais is among my 5 favorite reality show characters ever. He's super cocky, but also seems to have a bit of self awareness and the ability to be amused by things. He's got serious skills. If he doesn't win, I'm fairly certain the show is a sham. He should have won his first time around. (And yet, oddly, the winner of his season, Stephanie, was also pretty deserving. Hence, the beauty of Top Chef).

The original Top Chef is excellent indeed, but not by any means the only good version.

Top Chef Masters has the same qualities as the regular version, but is enhanced by the established success and virtuosity of the contestants. It's amazing to watch incredibly talented, successful people break the hell down under the pressure of television. There's a special thrill in watching these chefs, who are usually older and occasionally know each other from out in the real world (at least by reputation) throw down against each other in challenges similar to those many of them have judged as guest judges on Top Chef (regular edition). Also, as opposed to some Top Chef winners (Ilan Hall, Hosea Rosenberg) who not only seem just barely good enough to win, but dropped off the face of the Earth after, each and every contestant on Masters a legend. If I want to eat some Rick Bayless food, it's not a matter of figuring out where the hell Rick Bayless is, but deciding which of the Bayless restaurants to check out.

Oh.. and then there's the absolutely, utterly delightful Top Chef: Just Desserts.

It's un-fucking-believable. I admit that at least a portion of my enjoyment here has nothing to do with the actual challenges. As far as I'm concerned, there's a limit to exactly how interesting high end pastry can be. It's harder to imagine the flavors than it is with regular food. The most interesting desserts (in my opinion) are the baked goods that all of these pastry chefs look down upon (like cookies, cake, and pie).

But the crazy? The crazy is oh-so-delicious. The thing I learned about pastry chefs is that they are all either insane misogynists, insane bitches, insane mama's boys, or just insane. I don't know what it is, exactly, about pastry that turns people into raving, bitchy, horrid human beings who don't seem that they'd be able to function in society otherwise, but damn... they make good TV.

I can't really describe it all in words, so here...

Okay... So I realize you don't really get even the remotest taste of it... just the very beginning, and I have searched and searched for the rest to no avail, but I can tell you that it included him screaming the words 'I did it for my mommy!" and clutching the guest judge.

I think my favorite thing about this is that it happened in the 2nd episode... Not after weeks of pressure building up. This guy was insane going in. And not just kind of wacky, but rather absurdly, amazingly absolutely fucking insane.

That's good television.

So what's the difference between the insanity of this guy and some crazy person on Big Brother or Jersey Shore? (I assume... I watched one season of Big Brother, and one episode of Jersey Shore). The crazy people on those shows are cast because they're crazy people. The crazy people on Top Chef: Just Desserts are only crazy incidentally. They're actually really talented people, who were cast because they can make some damned good chocolates. The crazy is just a bonus.

So watch Top Chef. It's awesome.

Adventures in NetFlix

2011-02-05T23:24:00.003-05:00

Does anyone else think that Netflix online streaming is the greatest effing invention ever?

I love it for a couple of reasons...

I've discovered some really excellent TV series that I either never got a chance to see while they were on at all (Dollhouse) or never would have been able to catch up through re-runs (Eureka). Well... when I say "excellent", I don't really mean excellent like The Wire was excellent, or Six Feet Under. I mostly mean excellent in that sort of campy, cheesy way.

Dollhouse especially is both terrible, and wildly entertaining. Filled with this insane mix of great acting by completely unknown people (Fran Kranz and Enver Gjokaj are especially awesome. Those are real names. Oh... and there's bad acting too. Eliza Dushku is hot, but just horribly, horribly bad. It's sort of the de-evolutionary Alias in a way.

On the other hand, Eureka is just this awesome little sci-fi show with horrible, wretched disasters befalling this town full of geniuses. I am currently waiting for Season 4 to come available online, so I don't have to use the DVDs for it. I assume Season 5 is going to be starting soon on TV, and I'm looking forward to starting with it.

You know what else is awesome?

Blogging.

Some day I'll have more to say again. I promise.

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